Spin Doctoring 2012s Box Office

Picture the scene: Sony’s PR office, Hollywood, 15 December 2009. Four studio suits all sit at a massive desk, tapping their fingers, their laptops open in front of them. Suddenly, there’s the sound of three emails arriving at once.

Suit #1: “Hot diggedy! Will you look at those figures!?"

Suit #2: “Emmerich’s done it again!”

Suit #1: “We have a hit gentleman! 2012 is a gen-U-wine bollockbuster! See what I did there? Bollockbuster!”

Suit #1: “Yeah, very good. Just don’t use it in the press release

Suit #3: “But… but… but… this is a disaster!”

Suit #2: “A disaster? How can $225 million in its first weekend be a disaster?”

Suit #3: “It hasn’t broken any box office records! Variety won’t a story if it hasn’t broken a box office record!”

Suit #1: “It must have broken some kind of record. Best international opening ever?”

Suit #3: “Only… gulp… fifth!”

Suit #2: “Best November opening ever?”

Suit #3: “Argh! NO!”

Suit #1: “Best opening ever for a film with no words in its title?”

Suit #3: “That’s stretching it even for Variety? Oi, Suit #4, haven’t you got any ideas?”

Suit #4: “Shut up. I’m watching ‘Waters Of Mars…’”

Suit #1: “Got it. Best foreign launch ever for a nonsequel.”

Suit #3: “That’s it! I’ll get the press release over to Variety now. How do you spell for-rain?”