Bond Month: Real-life celebrities who should be Bond villians

To date, the only black villain Bond has confronted on screen has been drug lord Dr Kananga in Live and Let Die. If the 007 producers ever needed a successor, though, they could do a lot worse than checking if the Zimbabwean president is available.

A white-hating despot with a deep dislike of the capitalist West, he is bound to prove a formidable adversary. Not only that, but now that he’s been forced to enter a power-sharing agreement with Morgan Tsvangirai, he’ll probably have a bit of time on his hands. Ask him nicely and he’ll bring his own machete!

With doubts circulating about the North Korean leader’s health, Eon had better move quickly if they want to secure the services of the diminutive dictator with the bouffant hairdo and Elvis sunglasses.

As a die-hard movie fan whose video collection is said to include 20,000 titles, he’s sure to be up for adding ‘film star’ on his CV – right under ‘international terrorist’ and ‘delusional lunatic.’ If they do hire him, though, the Bond producers had better make sure he has a trailer the size of Pyongyang. That said, they could always just borrow the puppet from Team America: World Police.

Having pitted Bond against a fictional media mogul in Tomorrow Never Dies, isn’t it time the 007 team found out how he fares against the real thing? Who knows: perhaps the Australian billionaire could use some of his patented strike-breaking tactics to cut James down to size.

If that doesn’t work, he could always try throwing a few Page 3 stunnas in his path to weaken his resistance, or getting a fake sheik to feed him some misleading information. And if all else fails, he could always just drown him in ink or drop a satellite dish on his head.

After masterminding the slaughter of thousands of Bosnians and Croats, the Serbian war criminal is probably in need of a fresh challenge. Why not give him a break from that stuffy trial and give him a role in the next Bond film?

Better yet, why not let him escape from the Hague and get 007 to track him down? Maybe he could let that beard grow again, or make clones of himself like Blofeld did in Diamonds are Forever. Our hero would find him at the end, of course, dispatching him with a suitable quip. How about “Consider yourself cleansed?”

How many times has 007 stopped some fictional power-crazed madman from starting World War Three? More than we care to mention. Why not up the stakes by bringing in someone who wants to do it for real?

On the outside, Iran’s new president appears perfectly sane. Underneath, though, we bet he’s as nutty as Stromberg and as cracked as Drax with a nuclear program that represents a genuine threat to world security. If that isn’t a job for Her Majesty’s Secret Service, we don’t know what is. You never know: maybe Bond can deal with the Ayatollah while he’s over there.

Now China is emerging as a world superpower, isn’t it time it produced its own Bond villain? If so the country’s bespectacled president fits the bill, having sanctioned more human rights abuses than 007 has had vodka martinis.

Perhaps he could have a secret missile base underneath the Great Wall, or a nuclear submarine in the Yangtze River – something that would justify James blowing up a few tanks in Tiananmen Square or the Birds Nest Stadium. Hell, maybe the Dalai Lama could turn up to give him some moral and spiritual support. (“No need for a Lama!” Bond could deadpan.)

Put Dr No, Goldfinger, and Scaramanga together and you’d still struggle to equal the villainy of this particular character. Warmonger, draft dodger and serial abuser of the English language, Dubya could pose James with his most daunting challenge to date: a Grade-A moron with no scruples whatsoever and some nuclear launch codes at his disposal.

“Good evening Mr Blond! I’ve been expectorating you!” he’d say, inviting 007 into the Oval Office so he could explain the details of his most evil scheme yet. Yes, you’ve guessed it – a $700 billion Wall Street bail-out destined to bankrupt the entire global economy!