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Top 7... Blue Ball moments

If we’re not jumping through hoops trying to save a kingdom, we’re fetching some rare Crystal Sword of Infinite Necromancy all out of the kindness of our hearts. What do we get in return? “Ah, gee thanks for risking life and limb to do a big ol’ fancypants favor for me and restoring our world to what it once was from the Dark Ruler of Naught. Here’s a medal, young adventurer. Never mind our bustling cleavage. Now get the hell out, street rat. Sorry ‘bout the hard-on.”

Whaaaaaa? Faster than you can unbuckle your tunic, our 30+ hour courtship is reduced to tee-hees and farewells. Surely, saving a princess or helping a fair maiden will reap just rewards, right?

Not even a harmless peck on the cheek? At least one date? Look, we play games for fun, but if developers are gonna make us sit through a ham-fisted plot and force feed us a love interest, at least provide some sort of worthwhile resolution - something PG-rated at the very least. It’s not fair to sucker us time and again into some dire situation because dangling in our face is the mythic ritual of knocking digital boots. And because we’re forced into caring about banging girls in games so much, we present to you the biggest blue ball moments in gaming.

7. Sylvia’s reveal - No More Heroes

What happens:
Spoilers abound! Seriously, we’re about to go pretty deep into the game. Turn back now. You’ve been warned!

Otaku nerd Travis Touchdown’s primary goal in No More Heroes is to climb the ranks of the United Assassins Association and become the best assassin in the world. Furthering his goal is the lofty promise that Silvia Christel (Travis’s organizer of missions) will screw Travis’s brains out once he becomes number one. Up you go in the ranks, hacking people to bits with your beam katana, while sadistically flirting with the blonde hottie. Interspersed cutscenes show Travis salivating over her body as he oils her body up at the beach or listens to her getting a naked massage over the phone.



Travis’s best “laid” plans go awry when a phone call to Silvia’s house reveals that she’s married. Wait… what? To his twin brother, Henry? Hot damn, we’ve been hornswoggled.


Above: Notice the cupped breast 

Blue Balls:
Apparently, Silvia’s a con artist and has been duping would-be assassins for a shot at her girlie parts for years. But purposefully misleading her husband’s twin brother? That’s just mean. Had Travis been aware of Henry’s existence, he would have certainly adhered to the 11th commandment, “Bros before hos.” Sadly, you can’t keep a good libido down and Travis fell prey to his overactive penis, eviscerating hundreds just to get laid.

Topics

Top 7

15 comments

  • psycho ninja 4 - August 24, 2011 2:36 a.m.

    In No More Heroes you only find out about Henry being your Bro in a alternative ending. That was a really odd moment
  • FreekinIdiot - August 11, 2010 10:14 a.m.

    Wait, wait, wait " Before Link is about to utter “I want you inside me,” Zelda snatches the ocarina and transports him back in time to live out his youth, without sex and feeling like a douche. Roll credits! I'm sure Link wants to be inside Zelda...not the other way round...I hope.
  • D0CCON - February 17, 2010 12:12 a.m.

    I think using the phrase "making WhooHoo!" for the sims is way better than, ahem, making cumsies. need eye bleach
  • Dessel_Ordo - November 9, 2008 5:44 a.m.

    actually, the 11th is "Thou shalt not (rooster)-block thy brother" "bros before hos" is the 12th "thou shalt not mess with another mans junk" is the 13th. sorry, just had to clear that up
  • Bri77777 - September 29, 2008 12:50 a.m.

    Yay! First one!
  • PivotPlurals1 - September 5, 2009 9:43 p.m.

    skykid, do you even know what blue balls is?
  • linkganon - July 30, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    you know, seth macfarlaine, creator of family guy created a mini series called seth macfarlaine's cavalcade of cartoon comedy and one mini episode includes mario saying what he had to do to get to her, he went through 7 castles finding out she's in another castle. search it up on youtube, it's there.
  • marsuveeus - June 15, 2009 5:10 p.m.

    The way that Peach acts in Super Mario Bros. 3 makes you think that she actually does not like Mario, but Bowser! Where did that demented offspring come from any way?
  • AnonymouZ - June 14, 2009 3:19 a.m.

    @Skykid ... hahaha! nice one... like the world really cares what a 13yr old KID thinks!
  • Skykid - June 10, 2009 3:20 p.m.

    GR, did you break out the stupid ideas box again? Don't do that, I really hate it when ya do that.
  • KillerPotato - June 4, 2009 8:07 p.m.

    ...nice
  • Ravenbom - February 10, 2009 5:42 a.m.

    QFT "What a hilarious bitch"
  • Smeggs - July 31, 2009 1:38 a.m.

    "I'm sorry but your princess is in another castle...HAHAHA just kidding" *Punch in the mouth* "I just fought through an entire continent of dinosaurs, dragons, ghosts and who the hell knows what else to save YOU! I'M GETTING A REWARD!"
  • hanky_panky - June 15, 2009 8:52 a.m.

    awww dont be so harsh to Link... he just thought he wuld get cooties..(hes a kid in a dudes body wat u expect??) but later on he wuld start kicking himself in the junk for ruining his chances.. or maybe he'll go back in time and tell himself to go for it... they can even do wat my name says reCAPTCHA: snuffers Mass
  • marioman50 - February 10, 2009 1:54 a.m.

    Haha, couldn't help but laugh at the hilarious bitch caption.

Showing 1-15 of 15 comments

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