5 Rubbish Comic-Book Superheroes
Bouncing Boy, AKA Charles Foster Taine
Special Powers: Inflating himself like a bouncing ball.
Nemesis: Anyone with a pin? Or, in the comics, electro-menace Computo.
Movie Magic: Jonah Hill goes total rotund as the human Space Hopper. Wrestles with rejection from Legion Of Super Heroes before besting Computo (voice: Kevin Spacey) and bedding Triplicate Girl (Emma Stone). Foursome? Tubby triumph!
The Red Bee, AKA Rick Raleigh
Special Powers: None, but keeps trained bees in his belt. Helpful, no?
Nemesis: Nazis, especially Baron Blitzkrieg. And brattish kids with rolled-up magazines.
Movie Magic: Daniel Radcliffe nails a dream post- Potter franchise, donning striped tights and flappy flesh-hued sleeves as the beekeeper. Rupert Grint buzzes and hovers around annoyingly as his trained bee Michael.
Cypher, AKA Doug Ramsey
Special Powers: Decoding and translating.
Nemesis: New villain The Cryptic Crossword, maybe? Plus, turkey lookalike Bird-Brain.
Movie Magic: Michael Cera slumps into half-action as the human Google Translator who’s so ineffectual, Prof X doesn’t bother training him. Thrill as he destroys prolix new villain the Dangling Modifier (Stephen Fry).
Disco Dazzler, AKA Ali Blaire
Special Powers: Turns sound into disco lights.
Nemesis: The Prog-rocker? The Singer-songwriter? Plus, has spat with Rogue, who just isn’t fabulous enough.
Movie Magic: Dianna Agron shines as the singer who defies dad’s plans for her schooling to become a human iTunes Visualiser with the X factor. Studio notes cross-platform tie-in potential and plans trilogy.
Doll Man, AKA Darrell Dane
Special Powers: Shrinking to six inches but keeping full strength. Next summer, ankles will smart...
Nemesis: Terrifying new villain The Infant. Plus, the Queen Of Ants (seriously).
Movie Magic: You little wonder! Tom Cruise plays the chemist who invents a serum to make him shrink. No-one notices the difference as Tiny Tom dangles daringly off vertigo-inducing pavements…
For more comic-book superheroes (including some who are, y'know, good) pick up the new issue of Total Film Magazine . It hits newsstands tomorrow. To subscribe to the magazine, click here .