5 Rubbish Comic-Book Superheroes

Bouncing Boy, AKA Charles Foster Taine

Special Powers: Inflating himself like a bouncing ball.

Nemesis: Anyone with a pin? Or, in the comics, electro-menace Computo.

Movie Magic: Jonah Hill goes total rotund as the human Space Hopper. Wrestles with rejection from Legion Of Super Heroes before besting Computo (voice: Kevin Spacey) and bedding Triplicate Girl (Emma Stone). Foursome? Tubby triumph!

The Red Bee, AKA Rick Raleigh

Special Powers: None, but keeps trained bees in his belt. Helpful, no?

Nemesis: Nazis, especially Baron Blitzkrieg. And brattish kids with rolled-up magazines.

Movie Magic: Daniel Radcliffe nails a dream post- Potter franchise, donning striped tights and flappy flesh-hued sleeves as the beekeeper. Rupert Grint buzzes and hovers around annoyingly as his trained bee Michael.

Cypher, AKA Doug Ramsey

Special Powers: Decoding and translating.

Nemesis: New villain The Cryptic Crossword, maybe? Plus, turkey lookalike Bird-Brain.

Movie Magic: Michael Cera slumps into half-action as the human Google Translator who’s so ineffectual, Prof X doesn’t bother training him. Thrill as he destroys prolix new villain the Dangling Modifier (Stephen Fry).

Disco Dazzler, AKA Ali Blaire

Special Powers: Turns sound into disco lights.

Nemesis: The Prog-rocker? The Singer-songwriter? Plus, has spat with Rogue, who just isn’t fabulous enough.

Movie Magic: Dianna Agron shines as the singer who defies dad’s plans for her schooling to become a human iTunes Visualiser with the X factor. Studio notes cross-platform tie-in potential and plans trilogy.

Doll Man, AKA Darrell Dane

Special Powers: Shrinking to six inches but keeping full strength. Next summer, ankles will smart...

Nemesis: Terrifying new villain The Infant. Plus, the Queen Of Ants (seriously).

Movie Magic: You little wonder! Tom Cruise plays the chemist who invents a serum to make him shrink. No-one notices the difference as Tiny Tom dangles daringly off vertigo-inducing pavements…

For more comic-book superheroes (including some who are, y'know, good) pick up the new issue of Total Film Magazine . It hits newsstands tomorrow. To subscribe to the magazine, click here .