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Gaming's ballsiest banana hammocks

Anything that accentuates the male scrotal evil is automatically evil. Like ‘Hitler on a bad moustache day’ evil. Because the human Johnson is clearly an inherently terrible thing, it should be concealed at all times, only be broken out under extreme circumstances. Perhaps, if you need to tie a rope around it to pull a car with, in order to break some sort of World’s Strongest Wang record.

That’s why, simply put, the following banana hammock-harbouring characters deserve nothing less than virtual vasectomies.


Master Miller (Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker)

The inspiration for the feature. Who wants to save the world from nuclear destruction when there's meat and two veg to be stuffed into tiny undercrackers and then flaunted on a beach?


The Meat King (Hitman: Contracts)

Somehow giant Glaswegian nipples, a bloated belly and a brand of underwear that makes hot pants looks like tents just doesn't scream sexy time.


Larry Lovage (Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude)

Hmmmm, we're on board with the zebra print, but we're not sure about the white socks. Still, this is pretty much as sexy as vertically-challenged sex offenders get.


Random perverts (Seven Sins)

Nothing says sexual harassment like a good crotch-suffocating pair of pants. Think of the testicles? For the love of God won't somebody think of the testicles?!


Major Raikov (Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater)


Naked Snake: making stuffing thong-wearing men into closests a professional sport since 1964. Oh, and loving the lightning bolt.


Voldo (Soul Calibur series)

How could we forget the king of the codpiece?

  :(

May 4, 2010


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