5. Trying to score - The Sims (series)

What happens:
When we started playing The Sims, there were only two things we really wanted to do: kill some people and get busy. Killing was easy (remove the ladder from the pool), but making cumsies proved to be as difficult as real life because our mate never seemed remotely interested. Like many of us, we created a facsimile of our ideal mate and dropped her in a house with us. We’d forgive the fact that she’d leave dishes strewn about the floor and tried to get our attention with Sim-ish when she was bored. Hell, our male counterpart character was hardly perfect, oftentimes pissing on the sofa right in front of us. Bad Sim!

Above: How do you do this!?!?

But we digress. After living the Stepford life (raising a child, bringing home the bacon and cleaning up after her), we’d think it would be easy to “make things happen.” Not so. First you have to get your Friend rating to 50 percent (already there if you live together) to progress up the dialogue tree. Then we were able to joke around. As soon as she laughed, we tried to kiss Carla (we named her Carla) and she resisted our advances. Damn. Next we tried tickling her. Once more we were punked! Where’s that infernal sex button?

Above: After much failure, we turn to peeping

Blue Balls:
Just like high school, we incorrectly read all of our mate’s signs. And just like high school, we paid $50 for something that turned out disappointing and ended in tears. Seriously, if sex exists in a videogame (the whole point is fun, right?), then it shouldn’t be difficult to initiate it. Sadly, it was our fault for thinking sex would be easy in a game called The Sims.* We should have taken a cue from John Hughes documentary Weird Science and realized that not every woman you create is obligated to have sex with you.

*Of course we know it’s easy to rock the casbah in The Sims. Just play along, ‘k?