We love games. We love girls. Would it be wrong to question which we love the most? Probably. So let’s do just that.

If you’re on this website, it’s probably safe to say you love games. It’s also highly probable you love girls too. (By far most GR readers are guys, of which, according to accepted academic thinking, approximately only one in ten is gay.) So the vast majority of you love games and girls. You’ll spend a massive amount of time, and effort, not to mention money, trying to touch both.

But which do you love most? What if you had to choose? What if it was nailgun-to-head-time and you had to say, finally, officially, which was best? Which gives you the most pleasure vs effort? Which gives the best return on your investment? Which couldn’t you dream of living without?

In order to get to the bottom of the question literally nobody is asking, we’ve broken it into categories - Availability, Obtainability, Quality, Time, Cost, Reward, Social Benefits and yes, Sexual Gratification. The most asinine shit you’ve read all year? Probably. Hold tight people, we’re about to get politically inappropriate.

You can’t take a quiet stroll on a leafy street without getting spazzed in the face by games. Ads for games, people playing portable games, games on TVs, games on the side of buses, people screaming about games, people crying over games, people cuddling games, people going to war over games, games, games, GAMES, GAMES, GAAAAAMMMEZZZZZ!

Above: Everywhere 

Don’t know where to get games? You’ve got an ass for a brain. Games are everywhere. Cheap ones, expensive ones, shit ones, good ones, gay ones. Ones you play with a stylus. Ones you play with your whole body. Got no money? Look in a bin, you’ll find some games. Take a shit and a game will come out.

Games are everywhere. Technically if you’re under 17, some games aren’t for you. But you know how to get them. Oh yes you f****ing do.

Availabilityness: Everywhere. Always. Forever

Inarguably girls are even more everywhere than games. Admittedly out of a global population of 6.7 billion, 50.24% are male. So if you are a blindfolded dude in the street wildly grabbing at passersby to kiss, statistically you’re more likely to kiss another dude. And get arrested. Either way, compared to games, there’s a shit-ton of girls around.

Above: This happens virtually all the time, everywhere 

There are, of course, issues of quality to consider. But for the sake of examining pure numbers you can hardly take a public piss without some girls gathering and pointing and laughing. They’re everywhere. They’re in line ahead of you at McBurger. They’re laughing at unfunny scenes in films. They’re sucking their bellies in at the gym. They’re buying too-tight shoes in Steve Madden. They’re giving you the come on then wanting to ‘just be friends.’ They’re looking at pictures of Matthew McConaughey.

The globe is dripping with girls. And if you can’t get one there’s something wrong with you. It’s your fault. Yes it is. Make changes loser.

Availabilityness: Even more everywhere. Always. Forever

Dude, they’re everywhere. Go get one.

At the strictly mainstream level 60 bucks (or 40 quid for our UK brethren) will buy you most games. Point your snout at the bargain bin and it can be much less. Go underground bypassing Mommy, Poppy, the global legal system, the government, the police, the military and whiney-faced celebrity activists, and stuff can be ‘obtained’ via the dark arts of the internet at no cost at all. But this is illegal. Avoid breaking the law by never going here: http://isohunt.com/, http://www.mininova.org/ or http://thepiratebay.org/.

Above: The old-fashioned way will save you a trip to the pokey 

Even with no money, no web, no console and no TV, it’s conceivable you’ve got a friend with games that he’ll let you play. Although with no money, no web, no console and no TV it also conceivable you’ve got no friends.

Basically if you don’t want to become a plaything yourself in the big-house showers, sooner or later you’re going to have to cough-up the moolah.

Obtainabilityness: Gotta drop the green

Contrary to popular belief, obtaining girls isn’t just about having money. There are many other equally superficial things too. Handsome face, good body, career prospects, what car you drive, where you live...

‘Good sense of humor’ is often offered as highly attractive by delusional types desperate to avoid a spanking from the limp dick of political correctness. This is presumably why girly-celeb-rags like US Weekly are always full of pictures of hunky Larry David, Garry Shandling and David Cross.

Bars, gyms, food markets, art galleries, concerts, clubs, libraries and aquariums are just some of the places you can have your self-esteem ripped from your body, through your nose, by a barbed hook, made of girl.

If you want to raise the obtainability level of girls to the level of games, you’ll need to do these things to yourself.

• Be more handsomer
• Be more richer
• Have a torso like Matthew McConaughey
• Be a special agent
• Be a spaceman
• Be a superhero
• Drive an Aston Martin (no, driving one in a game doesn’t count)
• Live in Miami, LA, New York, London or a secret island
• Be a bum-witted, identikit toss-piece in a reality TV show in a tight t-shirt, with horrible '90s spiky hair, a spray-on tan and a mind made of elbows.

Above: It helps to be rich 

Failing this, there is, like games, a girl-obtaining underground. But as we’ve established, steal games and you’ll get arrested, steal girls and you’ll get extremely arrested. Best not to, eh?

Obtainabilityness: Gotta drop the green, and be all buff ‘n’ shit

Games are much, much easier to nab. Ladies care about shit you don’t have.

Some games are good. Some are ungood. And if you don’t know which is which, you’re a barnyard-brained simpleton. Sure you can read reviews. And if you’re going to do that, we’re contractually obliged to point you in the direction of the site you’re already on.

Although of course, some people just hear words like Star, or Wars, or Turismo, or Auto, or Grand, or Fantasy, or Metal, in any order, at any time and that’s it. “Good words mean good game," they think, and so they grin like a gibbon and buy it, end of story. Words like Haze, Lair, Crackdown or Okami don’t tend to elicit the same response. But just 'cuz it sells, don’t make it good.

Above: Games are all over the goodness spectrum... 

Still, goodness is in the eye of the beholder. Just as frat-heads the planet over think Halo is "the shit," others just think it is "shit." Continents worth of people think Final Fantasy is a worthwhile use of the one and only life they’ll ever get. Probably even more are happy to sit in the dark prodding at Pokemon with a stylus forever and ever amen.

It’s not as if you even get what you pay for. Most games, at launch at least, come in at around $60 (40 English quidz). It’s an even playing field. Quality is what quality does, which is to say, I’ve got no idea where I’m going with this... Perhaps it can be best summed up thus: If you find a game you like and can overlook its flaws, you’ll be happy. Rather like (seamless segue approaching) girls.

Qualityness: Read reviews on GR - but you still might not like it when you’ve bought it

Girls come in different flavors. Like potato chips, canned beverages and breakfast cereals. For some a bowl of high fiber, organic, Flax-based bracken is ideal, while others prefer the glamorous, high-gloss appeal of stuff that’s frosted, multi-colored and makes you ache after eating. This broad diversity is reflected in girlkind too.

At one end you’ve got the Tofu-hugging, sandal-wearing, bead-threading, right-on gal (or should we say Ms.). She likes: whales, sitar music, trees, hugs. She hates: make-up, celebrities, modern things, other girls. Look closely and you’ll see the first wisps of a femme-beard.

 Above: Women are all over the goodness spectrum too 

At the other end, there’s the product of medialand’s infection by celeb-rabies. Typified by the kind of self-deluding, tottering bovine that wears nothing but H&M and the very worst of airport-lounge Eurotrash ostentation. Always in pink. Always seen pointing and gurgling at the pwitty pictures of Bwittney buying a stupid f***ing burger in a stupid f***ing magazine made up only of pictures. Always, but always, screeching into a cell-phone.

All other girls are in between. Mostly bran, with dark chocolate drizzle. Granola clusters, but with frosting. High in Omega-3, but with Heineken instead of milk. You get the idea.

So them's your choices. Somewhere in between is probably good. The occasional mung bean soufflé is cool, as long as the girl cooking is familiar with the business end of a Gillette Venus.

Qualityness: Horses for courses. But horse-faced women are for British royalty only.

Reviews can help determine the most bang for your buck. Ladies can turn out to be crazy later.