We're on to the second day of our massive, winner-take-all character battle, and already we've lost half of our combatants to death, emotional trauma or reasons too ridiculous to discuss here. With the battlefield winnowed down to 32 contestants from yesterday's 64, who will emerge to claim the title of best character ever?
Five of GamesRadar's most powerful editors drew names out of a hat and put their heads together to determine, via stream-of-consciousness discussion, how it would play out. Here are the results:
FROM: Sonic the Hedgehog series /Super Monkey Ball series
The second his opponent steps out on the battlefield, AiAi tilts it at a sharp 45-degree angle with the intent of sending Sonic tumbling over the edge. Sonic, however, is no stranger to steep inclines and sudden changes in terrain, so instead of falling he charges headlong at AiAi and leaps on top of the monkey's ball. He then turns the tables by running in place on top of the ball, spinning it so rapidly that it almost instantly reaches liquefaction speed. As the sheer friction from the spinning ball begins to wear a groove into the ground, Sonic backflips away, sending the plastic ball and its cargo of red monkey goo rocketing into space. Sonic wins.
FROM: Tony Hawk series/The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction
Parts of Tony Hawk are later found in Bruce Banner’s colon. Hulk wins.
FROM: Sly Cooper series/Duke Nukem series
As Sly steps into the arena, he's informed that his opponent is running a little late - no more than 15 minutes at worst. And so he waits. And waits. And waits.
After what seems like an eternity, Duke fails to appear, instead sending a single, signed 8"x10" glossy in his place. A few of the arena attendants act all excited, as though Duke has actually accomplished something by producing a single image. Sly wins by dint of existing.
FROM: Space Channel 5/Disney Skateboard Adventure
Editor 1: Ulala is always in space, and Simba is a lion and can’t breathe in space. Ulala wins.
Editor 2: How does Ulala breathe in space?
Editor 1: She’s fu**ing hot. She’s dancing on a spaceship. And we’re assuming that’s where Simba agreed to fight her, so… pop.
Editor 3: In space, no one can hear you say "Hakuna Matata."
Editor 4: No, wait! Ulala refuses to harm animals, and Simba can only do kickflips. So it comes down to a belching contest. Ulala wins because lions can’t belch.
Editor 1: Whatever.