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BLOG What Was R2-D2 Really Saying?

Why did Artoo bleep and whistle? SFX Blogger Steven Ellis reckons they were actually just bleeping out his original comments…

Since the Star Wars prequel trilogy came out there have been critics of it. The worst critic is R2-D2 himself. All through the original films his comments were changed to beeps and whistles to hide the inconsistencies he kept pointing out in the plot and story. Here for the first time is what Artoo really said:

STAR WARS EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE

INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER – MAIN PASSAGEWAY . An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2) and See-Threepio (C-3PO) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway. Both robots are old and battered. Artoo and Threepio. Another blast shakes them as they struggle along their way.
THREEPIO: Did you hear that? They’ve shut down the main reactor. We’ll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!
ARTOO: Hey, this the exact same corridor where they decided to get your memory erased. We’re standing in the exact spot. Remember? After Yoda delivered the twins? End of the Clone Wars? Remember? Oh, erased memory. Yeah… never mind.
THREEPIO: We’re doomed!
ARTOO: Yeah, yeah,yeah…

INTERIOR: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER. Threepio stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Artoo is nowhere in sight. The pitiful screams of the doomed Rebel soldiers can be heard in the distance.
THREEPIO: Artoo! Artoo-Detoo, where are you?
A familiar clanking sound attacks Threepio’s attention and he spots little Artoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl stands in front of Artoo. She finishes adjusting something on Artoo’s computer face, then watches as the little robot joins his companion.
THREEPIO: At last! Where have you been?
ARTOO: Chattin’ with the Princess. Her dad built you, you know? And you’ll never guess who her real dad is!

Stormtroopers can be heard battling in the distance.
THREEPIO: They’re heading in this direction. What are we going to do? We’ll be sent to the spice mine of Kessel or smashed into who knows what!
Artoo scoots past his bronze friend and races down the hallway. Threepio chases after him.
THREEPIO: Wait a minute. Where are you going?
ARTOO: We’re going to find Obi-Wan! Remember him? Serious looking guy with the beard? Oh, yeah, you don’t remember. Never mind...

EXTERIOR: TATOOINE – DESERT – LARS HOMESTEAD – AFTERNOON. The Jawas mutter gibberish as they busily line up their battered captives, including Artoo and Threepio, in front of the enormous Sandcrawler, which is parked beside a small homestead. The Jawas scurry around fussing over the robots, straightening them up. Out of the shadows of a dingy side-building limps Owen Lars, a large burly man. His reddish eyes are sunken in a dust-covered face. As the farmer carefully inspects each robot, he is closely followed by his slump-shouldered nephew, Luke Skywalker.
ARTOO: Damn this place looks familiar. My God! It’s the Lars farm! That’s Owen Lars! Hell, he looks ancient! Guy can’t be more that 50. Hey Threepio? That guy used to own you. We stole you off him. Years ago. Me and Anakin and Padme. We just upped and ran off with you without so much as a goodbye… Good job you’re a different colour now.
OWEN: I have no need for a protocol droid.
THREEPIO: (quickly) Sir – not in an environment such as this…
ARTOO: See, he doesn’t recognise you. Hope he doesn’t spot me.
OWEN: What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.
THREEPIO: Vaporators! Sir, my first job was programming binary load lifter... very similar to your vaporators. You could say...
OWEN: Do you speak Bocce?
THREEPIO: Of course I can, sir. It’s like a second language for me...
OWEN: All right shut up! ( Turning to Jawa ) I’ll take this one.
THREEPIO: Shutting up, sir.
OWEN: Luke, take these two over to the garage, will you? ( He points at THREEPIO and a RED R2 type droid ) I want you to have both of them cleaned up before dinner.
ARTOO: Bloody Hell! He called that kid Luke! That's Luke! Blimey. He's the Leia's secret twin brother!
LUKE: But I was going into Toshi Station to pick up some power converters...
OWEN: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now come on, get to it!
LUKE: All right, come on! And the red one, come on. Well, come on, Red, let’s go.
Owen is negotiating with the head Jawa. Luke and the two robots start off for the garage when a plate pops off the head of the red astro-droid’s head plate and it sparks wildly and dies.
LUKE: Uncle Owen...
OWEN: Yeah?
LUKE: This R2 unit has a bad motivator. Look!
ARTOO: Jeez this kid is a real whiny git isn’t he?
OWEN: ( to the head Jawa ) Hey, what’re you trying to push on us?
The Jawa goes into a loud spiel. Meanwhile, Artoo has sneaked out of line and is moving up and down trying to attract attention. He lets out with a low whistle. Threepio taps Luke on the shoulder.
THREEPIO: ( pointing to Artoo ) Excuse me, sir, but that R2 unit is in prime condition. A real bargain.
LUKE: Uncle Owen...
OWEN: Yeah?
LUKE: What about that one?
ARTOO: Yeah, what about me??
OWEN: ( to Jawa ) What about that blue one? We’ll take that one.
With a little reluctance the scruffy dwarf trades the damaged astro-droid for Artoo.
LUKE: Yeah, take it away.
R2: That was a close one…
THREEPIO: Uh, I’m quite sure you’ll be very pleased with that one, sir. He really is in first-class condition. I’ve worked with him before. Here he comes.
ARTOO: Lucky that other droid blew up, eh?
Owen pays off the whining Jawa as Luke and the two robots trudge off toward a grimy homestead entry.
LUKE: Okay, let’s go.
THREEPIO: ( to Artoo ) Now, don’t you forget this! Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity!
ARTOO: ’Cos you love me!
Artoo sees the steps up ahead.
ARTOO: Whoa. I hope they cut the scene before I reach those steps – there’s no fuel in my leg rockets.