Did you know that owning an iPhone makes you a better person? It’s true. The Department of Made-up Statistics and Lies (DMSL) recently published a study, which claims that male iPhone users who identify with the “gamer lifestyle” are happier, healthier, and have slightly larger penises than their non-iPhone-owning counterparts. Surprised? We are. Because even though we’ve been spending more time gaming on our iPhone, our penises never felt smaller.

Another more concerning problem: most of the Lite demos and free game apps we’ve come across are just too miserly with the amount of content they give you. There’s something about getting slapped in the face with an advertisement to upgrade after we’ve only played for a few minutes that makes us want to delete the app and forget that we ever downloaded it in the first place. Plus, we’re broke from buying an iPhone in the first place! That’s why we sorted through all the free apps we could find to bring you the real gems that are actually worth downloading.

Above: We don’t like the games promoted in the “Top Free Apps” section in the iTunes Store. So we dug through the trash to find the best stuff for you 

iDracula Lite

iDracula Lite is a relentlessly difficult and bloody overhead shooter that pulls no punches. You’ll control your monster slayer’s movements with your left thumb and blast enemies to bits by aiming with your right thumb. As you fight to survive the relentless waves of beasts charging at you from all directions, you’ll earn points that can be used to purchase various perks. Some of them will speed up your reload time and damage, while others will improve your ability to survive.

The Lite version doesn’t feature all the maps, weapons, and monsters that come with the full version. But trying to best your top score in this demo is still entertaining enough to make the download well worth your time.

Above: iDracula captures the action of Smash TV and adds a bit of Diablo-like gore and RPG goodness to boot 

Knights Onrush Free

Knights Onrush (also known as Onrush) charges you with defending a castle from an army of angry medieval men. The game plays to the strengths of the iPhone’s interface by letting you destroy waves of marauders with the tip of your finger – and when it comes to ways to destroy enemies, you’ll have lots of options. You can send a foot soldier flying with a simple flick. Or, you can press down on him and repeatedly smash him into the ground until he explodes into bits of broken bones and plate mail. You’ll also earn gold after surviving each round, which can be used to purchase more structures to aid you in the defense of your fortress. Our favorite: a giant stone pillar with a meat hook. Just drag and drop an enemy on the hook and wait for a giant dragon to swoop onto the screen to swallow him whole; it’s a great way to take tougher enemy units out of play.

Because you get so many fun toys to play with in Onrush’s Endless Siege mode, the free demo doesn’t feel like too much of a tease and is worth holding on to – even if you don’t wind up purchasing the full version.

Above: Flick, smash, and crush invaders. Or, just feed them to your dragon by hanging them on your sacrificial meat hook 

Above: If you decide to purchase the full game, you’ll get more toys to help defend your castle

Taxiball Free

There are a ton of marble games out there that let you roll around by tilting your iPhone. Forget about them. Taxiball’s the best. Rolling over customers with your round cab and racing towards your destination while avoiding obstacles is great fun and makes all other marble rolling games for the iPhone feel like child’s play. Even though the number of cities available for you to bounce and crash through is limited in this demo, Taxiball is well worth the download.

Above: Your passengers want a smooth ride. Bump into too many buildings and they’ll make a very sad emoticon 

iSplume

Lob colorful eyeballs into the air and bounce them off the walls in your never-ending quest to form matches of three. Watching your Splumes bleed bright colors and hearing them squish and pop is strangely satisfying. Like the original web version, iSplume puts a satisfyingly squishy twist on the traditional gem popper gameplay. You can also rotate your iPhone for a gravity effect, causing the Splumes onscreen to droop or rise to help you make the perfect shot.

Above: Popping eyeballs and watching them bleed colorful splashes of paint looks great 

Rolando Lite

Let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way. The main difference between this game and LocoRoco is that this one’s called “Rolando.” As with LocoRoco, you’ll need to tilt and rotate your iPhone - while adding an occasional flick - to guide your Rolando through the winding levels in this puzzle platformer.

Even though this is a Lite demo, you still get several levels to sample, which should keep you satisfied even if you don’t decide to purchase the full version or the sequel, Rolando 2: Quest for the Golden Orchid. As a bonus, the soundtrack is also great – and features kinky songs from British DJ, Mr. Scruff.