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Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Here's to you Xmas music, slowly transforming our retail staff into mindless, hate-filled husks. Believe it or not, Christmas jingles like these were once viewed a valid form of entertainment. Yes, it's true! Before being weaponised by the likes of noted war criminal Michael Buble, these chipper ditties were once utilised to 'warm the very cockles of our hearts' - though what business a man's genitals had in being that close to his aortic valve I'm sure I don't know.
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Half-Life
'It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas'
It's beginning to look a lot like Free-man,
Is trapped forever more,
But the nastiest sight to see, is the brainstem that should be
In Eli's head, not spattering the floor
A pair of HEV suits and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of Barney and Breen;
Antlions that squawk and will go for a walk
Is the hope of Judith and team;
And Isaac and Arne can hardly wait for Christmas deals on Steam.
It's beginning to look a lot like Half-Life
Everywhere you go;
There'll be six games of Port-al, and a Day of Defeat se-quel,
Before we get that game we crave, you know?
It's beginning to look a lot like Half-Life (Half-Life) x4
Dead Re-bels
Oh, dead re-bels, dead re-bels
Vader's on the way
Oh, what fun it is to slice
Mutilate and slay
Oh, dead re-bels, dead re-bels
Dark side all the way
Vader's dicing Ackbar up
For a tasty fish souffl
Oh, dead re-bels, dead re-bels
Solo's going to pay
Let's see him quip, and jibe and jest
With a saber through the face
Oh, dead re-bels, dead re-bels
Choking out Pad-me
Ani might have needed you
But Vader needs his space
Here comes (not quite) Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus, slimmed-down Santa Claus,
Right down Vizima lane
He's got a bag that's filled with foglet,
Warg and nekker brains
See folks first mingle then start to tangle,
Oh what a maddening sight
So drop that club and run like hell
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Here comes Santa Claus, two-sword Santa Claus,
Right down Oxenfurt lane
He doesn't care if you're rich or poor
He'll extort you just the same
Santa Claus knows we're all too weak
And that his might makes right
So fill his boots with the last of your loot
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Here comes Santa Claus, stone-heart Santa Claus,
Right down Loc Muinne lane
He'll come around when the beasties scream
It's feeding time again
Peace on earth will come to all
If we pay him just right
So lets give thanks to the school of wolves
That not quite Santa Claus comes tonight!
Snake Will Crawl
Don we now our cardboard boxes, La La La Li Li Li Lu Le Lo!
Seeing the sights, Nikita rockets, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Smoking the lasers flash before us, La La La Li Li Li, Lu Le Lo!
Another glowing cig endorsement, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Follow me now you piss-soaked scientist, La La La Li Li Li, Lu Le Lo!
Putting an end to your wolfish love tryst, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Fast away the ninja passes, La La La Li Li Li, Lu Le Lo!
Crushed to death by robot chassis, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Screaming of joints! The beast comes ne-ar! La La La Li Li Li, Lu Le Lo!
Bugger me, its Metal Gear! La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Damn Dark Souls!
It doesn't show signs of stopping
And my blade just keeps on chopping
I'm encumbered and moving slow
Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls!
When I finally face the blight
How I'll hate going out in the swarm!
But if I can just get in tight
Oh now I've been thrown at a wall!
Now it seems I'm slowly dying
And, my face it stings from crying
But I'll give it just one more go
Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls!
Clockin' in at around 50GB
'Rockin Around the Christmas Tree'
You will get some patch notes, they're detailing, what is here
"We've fixed that glitch and we are sorry; This wont affect your product warranty"
Clockin' in at around 60GB
You won't play this game today
Guess you should tread more warily
Before choosing what to play
Clockin' in at around 80GB
Time to curse your shitty ping
Later it stalls, reboots and dies
Now the dev's abandoning
You will get a fa-miliar feeling, When you hear
Voices whinging "Damn you Sony, Xbox sucks, screw online-only"
Clockin' in at around 20TB
What a retro way to play
Progress halts arbitrarily
In a new ooold faaaashioned waaaay!
Marcus the Brooding COG Gear
'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'
Marcus, the brooding COG Gear
Assumes a little roadies' pose
and if you ever saw it
you'd say he never even slows.
All of the other COG Gears
Used to stop and take their aims
They'd ne-ver let poor Marcus
Share the safest barricades.
Then in prison he's reprieved
Santiago came to say:
"Marcus, you so love to fight,
won't you lead my Gears tonight?"
Then all of the COG Gears loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Marcus the brooding COG gear,
You can take a 'nade for me!
