7 incredibly festive Christmas carols (about non-festive video games)
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Here's to you Xmas music, slowly transforming our retail staff into mindless, hate-filled husks. Believe it or not, Christmas jingles like these were once viewed a valid form of entertainment. Yes, it's true! Before being weaponised by the likes of noted war criminal Michael Buble, these chipper ditties were once utilised to 'warm the very cockles of our hearts' - though what business a man's genitals had in being that close to his aortic valve I'm sure I don't know.
Today's very special seasonal article takes a good long look at these yuletide tunes, before asking the obvious question of why? Why hasn't anyone thought to turn these festive themes into appalling video game renditions! After all, what's more Christmassy than games? So dust off your carolling clogs (patent pending), re-mine that chimney space and cuddle up next to somehow you don't actively detest. It's time for a GamesRadar Christmas sing-along!
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Half-Life
'It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas'
It's beginning to look a lot like Half-Life
Is ne-ver going to show;
Take a looksie at Gaben's chin, glistening once again
With revenue streams and fanboy tears aflow.
It's beginning to look a lot like Free-man,
Is trapped forever more,
But the nastiest sight to see, is the brainstem that should be
In Eli's head, not spattering the floor
A pair of HEV suits and a pistol that shoots
Is the wish of Barney and Breen;
Antlions that squawk and will go for a walk
Is the hope of Judith and team;
And Isaac and Arne can hardly wait for Christmas deals on Steam.
It's beginning to look a lot like Half-Life
Everywhere you go;
There'll be six games of Port-al, and a Day of Defeat se-quel,
Before we get that game we crave, you know?
It's beginning to look a lot like Half-Life (Half-Life) x4
Dead Re-bels
Dashing through the snow
On a hunt for easy prey
Over the fields I go,
Respiring all the way
Warning sirens ring,
Rebels turn in fright
Oh what fun to slash and swing
My slaying blade tonight
Oh, dead re-bels, dead re-bels
Vader's on the way
Oh, what fun it is to slice
Mutilate and slay
Oh, dead re-bels, dead re-bels
Dark side all the way
Vader's dicing Ackbar up
For a tasty fish souffl
Oh, dead re-bels, dead re-bels
Solo's going to pay
Let's see him quip, and jibe and jest
With a saber through the face
Oh, dead re-bels, dead re-bels
Choking out Pad-me
Ani might have needed you
But Vader needs his space
Here comes (not quite) Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus, not quite Santa Claus,
Right down Novigrad lane
Axii and Yrden and all his castings
Pullin' on Roche's reins
Spells are flingin, foetus monsters singin'
All is evil and blight
So hang some deserters and slay beserkers
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Here comes Santa Claus, slimmed-down Santa Claus,
Right down Vizima lane
He's got a bag that's filled with foglet,
Warg and nekker brains
See folks first mingle then start to tangle,
Oh what a maddening sight
So drop that club and run like hell
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Here comes Santa Claus, two-sword Santa Claus,
Right down Oxenfurt lane
He doesn't care if you're rich or poor
He'll extort you just the same
Santa Claus knows we're all too weak
And that his might makes right
So fill his boots with the last of your loot
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Here comes Santa Claus, stone-heart Santa Claus,
Right down Loc Muinne lane
He'll come around when the beasties scream
It's feeding time again
Peace on earth will come to all
If we pay him just right
So lets give thanks to the school of wolves
That not quite Santa Claus comes tonight!
Snake Will Crawl
Snake will crawl in active camo, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Bandana signifies infinite ammo, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Don we now our cardboard boxes, La La La Li Li Li Lu Le Lo!
Seeing the sights, Nikita rockets, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Smoking the lasers flash before us, La La La Li Li Li, Lu Le Lo!
Another glowing cig endorsement, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Follow me now you piss-soaked scientist, La La La Li Li Li, Lu Le Lo!
Putting an end to your wolfish love tryst, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Fast away the ninja passes, La La La Li Li Li, Lu Le Lo!
Crushed to death by robot chassis, La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Screaming of joints! The beast comes ne-ar! La La La Li Li Li, Lu Le Lo!
Bugger me, its Metal Gear! La Li Lu Le Lo, Li Lu Le Lo!
Damn Dark Souls!
Oh the demon outside is frightful
But bonfires are so delightful
And since my health bar is low
Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls!
It doesn't show signs of stopping
And my blade just keeps on chopping
I'm encumbered and moving slow
Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls!
When I finally face the blight
How I'll hate going out in the swarm!
But if I can just get in tight
Oh now I've been thrown at a wall!
Now it seems I'm slowly dying
And, my face it stings from crying
But I'll give it just one more go
Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls! Damn Dark Souls!
Clockin' in at around 50GB
'Rockin Around the Christmas Tree'
Clockin' in at around 50GB
It's the pre-game install stop
An eight-hour patch that's sparing me
From a massive framerate drop
You will get some patch notes, they're detailing, what is here
"We've fixed that glitch and we are sorry; This wont affect your product warranty"
Clockin' in at around 60GB
You won't play this game today
Guess you should tread more warily
Before choosing what to play
Clockin' in at around 80GB
Time to curse your shitty ping
Later it stalls, reboots and dies
Now the dev's abandoning
You will get a fa-miliar feeling, When you hear
Voices whinging "Damn you Sony, Xbox sucks, screw online-only"
Clockin' in at around 20TB
What a retro way to play
Progress halts arbitrarily
In a new ooold faaaashioned waaaay!
Marcus the Brooding COG Gear
'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'
You know Damon, and Anya, and
Tai, and then Wallin,
Cole Train, and Carmine, and
Stratton and Young Kim
But do you recall
The most famous Gear of them all?
Marcus, the brooding COG Gear
Assumes a little roadies' pose
and if you ever saw it
you'd say he never even slows.
All of the other COG Gears
Used to stop and take their aims
They'd ne-ver let poor Marcus
Share the safest barricades.
Then in prison he's reprieved
Santiago came to say:
"Marcus, you so love to fight,
won't you lead my Gears tonight?"
Then all of the COG Gears loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Marcus the brooding COG gear,
You can take a 'nade for me!
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