You know the layout of your games better than the devs do
You know the quickest way to grab the key to the Room of Death, which contains the Wazzo Cannon--you need that to kill the Uber Robot Mandrill guarding the exit. Its easy: if you look behind the third boulder on the left, theres a secret passage leading directly past the mega-lasers where the key is hidden. Duh. Why do you have such intimate knowledge of this level? Because some vindictive chump at BumSoft Games says that you need to finish it in under 5 minutes to unlock a Trophy. And you cant get your 90th Platinum without the Mega Mandrill Murder bronze Trophy that youve spent the last 7 hours attempting to unlock. AAAAAAAAAGH.
An 8-hour game is actually a 40-hour game
"Have you really finished Man Shooter 4? you ask your bemused-looking friend. Have you found every collectable Op Sat Intel Beacon Box? Ha Didnt think so. Yes, while other players are getting on with their lives, youre still searching for meaningless collectables long into the night. You scour every corner of every map searching for briefcases, tiny flashing trinkets, and fucking TV sets that mean precisely fuck all to anyone ever. Honestly--who the hell watches TV during a nuclear attack on an ammunition factory? And why didnt the nukes totally fry the TV, saving you the bother of having to spend hours looking for it?
You have some really embarrassing kids games in your pile
"Yeah, that copy of Avatar: The Last Air Bender belongs to my, er, cat you mumble as someone questions the list of games on your profile. Youve got some stinkers on there--real dross--but they all count towards your impressive virtual cabinet, filled-to-bursting with Platinum Trophies and burning shame. Yeah, I bought Disney Pixars Cars for er, the son were having. And now you need to have a baby. And get married. Good luck with that.
You hate it when the hardest setting needs to be unlocked
Youve played this game to completion three times, and wonder of wonder, youve just unlocked Ultimate Mega Terror Hyper Mode, which gives you one life, kills you with a single bullet, and wipes your entire save file if you die once. Normally, no-one would even consider playing the game on this setting--certainly not after playing it three times previously. Yet there you go, pad in your shaking, sweaty hands as you crack open another keg of Red Bull. Dont worry--youll get another 15 Gamer Points for your trouble.
Youre not sure if you actually enjoy playing games any more
Lets face it, youre only in it for the virtual rewards now. You skip all the cut-scenes, dispassionately shoot your best virtual friend in the face to unlock the Trophy for taking the bad option, and youll happily burn through every game with one eye on a guide. Youre a mess, buddy. Try to remember the joy of playing a game to experience the story. Or to beat a friend or AI opponent without being patted on the back and presented with a shiny piece of pixilated chaff. At the very least, you should stop trying to pick up girls by waving your Windows phone at them and crooning the line: Hey ladies, check out the size of my Gamerscore.
You're an... Achievement/Trophy Whore
This generation has messed you up bad. You used to play games for the fun and stimulation. You've always had a naturally explorative nature, and have always enjoyed pushing yourself to see everything that a game has to offer. But the advent of Achievements and Trophies took that innocent, healthy spirit and twisted it into a dark, obsessive completism. Part carrot, part stick, all pain, those virtual points and trinkets have turned play into work. Addictive, addictive work, You can probably stop any time you want to, mind. You just don't seem to ever want to.
Not you? Right, onto the next section then. Let's see if we can find your gaming identity there.
You have a packed game shelf, comprising four different titles
You have the past six years worth of sports games lined up neatly in a row. You think, now that Tim Tebow is cut by the Patriots, you just HAVE to get the next iteration of Madden. You glance away from this computer screen and see these titles exclusively on your shelf: Fallout, FIFA, Madden, CoD, and maybe Borderlands 2. But you only bought it to help out your nerdy friends with co-op, and because the live-action ad was pretty cool. In truth, that game is a bit needlessly complex for your tastes.
You can see differences between sequels that no-one else can
And they mainly revolve around bloom and particle effects, not that youd necessarily know what those terms mean. Things get shinier, cutscenes get more real, gun recoils begin to exist, its all very pleasing to you. Maybe the combat system gets totally ruined between near-identical sequels, but theyll probably fix it in that sequels sequel.
Your console gets used for TV as much as Microsoft would like
During the Xbox One reveal you were totally enthralled by the ability to snap a TV show to the side of the screen while playing a game. You already have a Nextflix and Hulu Plus account, so that extra Gold Live membership isnt too big of a deal. Sure hardcore gamers might blame you for the multimedia direction of the Xbox One, but for you a console that just plays games isnt really what you're looking for in a post-Chromecast era.
