The only shooter you like is Spec Ops: The Line
Run, shoot, shoot, shoot, cover, shoot, grenade, shoot, brutal melee execution! Oh its all so bloody pointless, isnt it? So many games are about violence, but so few games are actually about violence. Its all such a waste. Why coast by on the cheap thrills of destruction when you can create? Of course, no subject matter is inherently low-brow at its core. In the right hands, anything can be discussed, appraised, or used as a communicative tool with deep, profound meaning. Specs Ops gets it right, with its harrowing, gameplay-driven relation of the dehumanising, soul-eroding futility of war. Everything else though? Its all just shooty-shooty-bang-bang, isnt it?
You're an... Arty Gamer
For you, games are no mere childish plaything. They've long-since grown beyond that. They're a mature, developing artistic medium, at the threshhold of expressive greatness. They combine all of the audio-visual properties of film, music and literature, but the added interactive element gives them the potential to be the greatest, most profound artistic medium ever known to man. Now if we could just erase 90% of them from existence in order to strengthen your argument when people call you a childish nerd at parties...
Still not you? Okay. But surely you're going to recognise something in the next section..
You own a huge number of oft-unidentifiable action figures
Every person needs a hobby, and one of yours just happens to be collecting high-priced toys based on your favourite, obscure games. Whether decorating your home, office cubicle, or car dashboard, these plushies and bits of painted plastic mean a lot to you, even if they mystify your friend. Bonus points if you bought the toys while actually overseas.
An 18-month release petition is a standard part of game hype
Sure, your lame friends can expect a Call of Duty game every year like clockwork, but you know that real gaming satisfaction is earned over time. You have to first hear about a game. You like the sound of it. You wait six months before a publisher says they wont be releasing it. Then you spend the next year filling out online petitions to implore Nintendo/Sony/Square-Enix to please sell you said game. When you finally get to play it two years after its reveal, that start screen feels all the sweeter.
Pink is a perfectly acceptable hair colour
Or blue, purple, and green for that matter. All are totally acceptable amid the rainbow of follicles you frequently enjoy in-game. Brown-haired dudes are boring, though the shaved heads of gross space marines are even worse. You want the leads in a game to have some character, and that starts at the top of their heads. Sure, the protagonists might end up spewing stock dialogue for hours on end, but at least they arent boring to look at while they do it.
Youre not always clear on the gender of your protagonist
Who needs the hulking piles of muscles that star in Gears of War? Speed and skill can just as soon trump power in a fight, meaning a hero can be lithe and well-dressed while still carrying a massive sword. Its true that some of those heroes end up being so androgynous that you have to wait for a line of dialogue to identify their gender, and even then you arent too clear on it. But who cares if theyre a woman or a man when they dress that well?
You often have to explain your games apologetically
You often try to convince your friends to play some of your favorite titles, but you often have to add a few addendums when doing so. This games the best, only you have to play 30 hours before it really opens up. This is part seven in the series, but Im sure itll make sense when you play it. Yes, two of the playable characters look like scantily clad jailbait, but I swear theres a perfectly good explanation for that. Youve said all that and more to get your pals to give your top games a try, often with little success.
You're a... Japanophile
You love the island nation of Japan, and you dont care who knows it. Japanese devs made the best games twenty years ago, and you try very hard to convince yourself thats true today. Why line up for a midnight launch for GTA when you can hunt down the special edition of the recently localized graphic novella starring a psychic high school girl? Now thats groundbreaking.
Still not got to you yet? Okay, let's keep at it.
