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You have no idea who Shigeru Miyamoto is
Hes the guy that makes those Japanese Disney movies your nerdy cousin always talks about, right? One had this really old lady and you think she had a twin or something. Sometimes you even forget that The Legend of Zelda is a Nintendo title. But whatever, because Bethesda makes all of the RPGs youll ever want or need. Some of them even have guns in them.
Youre probably not reading this website
The closest you get to video game news might be whatever gets to the front page of Reddit, and therefore youve probably recently subsisted on a diet of Payday 2, Farcry 3, and Grand Theft Auto 5. Why are you even here, having made it so far through an article on gaming culture? If youre asking yourself this question, then you probably fit into this category.
Youre a... Mainstream Gamer
Congratulations! Youre the median, casual consumer. Your other entertainment ventures might include reading The Hunger Games and watching Game of Thrones with your friends. You probably have loads friends to do that with, since you might be a slightly better-rounded individual than the more hardcore gamer. Go get out in the sun, you! Youd rather be out there than reading a video games website.
But if you feel this isn't you, click on.
There is no current-gen game that you havent found too easy
You laughed when everyone said Super Meat Boy was hard. Youd finished Dark Souls before anyone else had even got past that first boss. And whatever Capcom said to the contrary, you swear that Mega Man 9 was watered down for the modern audience. You want to see a blanket return to the days of 3 lives, no continues and one-hit kills. Everything else is for wusses. Wusses with recharging shields and unlimited wussy respawns.
Horror game has more bullets than enemies? It's basically CoD
In your day, choosing whether or not to use up three bullets on a zombie was like deciding how much of your hapenny piece you should spend on gobstoppers just in case they brought out a new Beatles EP the next week. Games these days throw ammo around with such reckless abandon, but you still feel you should hoard it anyway because its surely going to become scarce at any minute. And then wholl be laughing? You will, thats who.
You feel ripped off when a game box isn't the size of a coffin
PC games come in repurposed cereal boxes, everybody knows that. Its so that theres room for all the floppy discs as well as the manual and the secret map that you need to submerge in bathwater so you that can open the door in level five. How on Earth can they possibly fit all that into a DVD case? They cant. Which is probably why games arent as good as they used to be.
DOSBox is your Steam
Why isnt DOS an active part of the OS any more? Its the most important bit! Good job DOSBox is around to let you play the original Tomb Raider. And thank goodness theres all that abandonware lying around on the internet to let you play the decent games you cant get any more. Er it is abandonware, right? Well, either way, its just the same as copying that ZX Spectrum version of Star Wars on your sisters ghetto blaster. And nobody arrested you for that...
You still believe that Nintendo will be top again one day
The next Nintendo console. Thatll be the one. The one with the best graphics of any machine, including the PC. The one where project reality will return and photorealism in everything will blast the opposition into smithereens. Nintendo has seen off Sega and itll do it again with Sony and Microsoft, just you wait and see! The Wii U is just a stop-gap while the real next-gen behemoth is prepared. And itll have Star Fox and F-Zero and wait, wheres everyone going?
You're a... Curmudgeonly Nostalgist
Current games are all wrong. You were here at the beginning, so you have the experience and the hard-earned right to make that judgement. Everything is too easy, most games are barely interactive, and for the love of God, would they please stop using all of those shiny, well animated graphics in order to sucker in the kind of idiots who like Michael Bay films? What happened to the days when gameplay was king? What happened to the days when developers focused on hard-honed game design instead of falling back on the decedent excesses of visual polish? Next-gen, we need to go 8-bit again. That'll learn 'em. That'll learn 'em all.
