Tell us where it hurts
Sometimes we all need a shoulder to cry on--a big meaty torso joint to collect our facial rain--but what about those who don't have anyone? No best buds, no human tissues, no uncomfortable acquaintances we've just now met? For these people, there are the advice column agony aunts, society's self-proclaimed 'masters of love' and gossip page sages. Never mind the fact that you've just trusted your love life to a perfect stranger, these guys are gurus, and no one's going to pay a moron to write gibberish all over the Internet, right? Right??!?
'Grrr-us' (Mass Effect)
Dear LoveRadar,
I've recently begun a romantic relationship with a rugged, brooding alien from the Trebia system. He isn't much for small-talk, but we're still hugely compatible as people. The bad news is that whenever we try to get it on together, neither one of us has any clue what to do. I suppose it doesn't help matters that our 'parts' are hilariously mismatched--what with my you-know-what and his what-on-earth-is-that. Just last week I spent over 2 hours giving him a thoughtful back massage. When I'd finished he told me that I'd crippled his neurological system for life. Please LoveRadar, re-calibrate our love life!
FemShep09
'Mi Amore' (Super Mario Bros.)
Ciao LoveRadar,
My girl, she's-a always-a playin-a hard-a to get -- says am a not a boyfriend-a material. Every other week she's-a back-a together with this overgrown-a meathead and every week amma there to pick uppa da pieces. And-a why? A bright-a red mohawk? He's-a naked from the neck down for crying out-a loud! Then there's-a me Mario: sporting success, luxurious moustache, and a low paying job in the sanitation department, what's-a not to love? Help me LoveRadar, amma trapped in the friendzone 1-1!
Wahoo!69
'In the Navi' (Legend of Zelda)
Dear LoveRadar,
I'm in a bit of a bind right now and I was hoping you could help. It's actually kind of ironic. I'm regarded as this big local hero when it comes to time manipulation, but I just can't seem to find the time to meet women. In desperation I've hooked up with my hugely irritating travel companion, and immediately regret the decision. She's just so clingy, and obsessive, and chirpy--it's driving me nuts. When I try to block her out, it's even worse, she keeps blathering away, screaming "LISTEN!" in my ear and pulling my face towards hers. Last week my pet bunny went missing from the garden, and later that night we had boiled rabbit for dinner, coincidence? Please LR, offer me an out--the edge of my master sword is beginning to look mighty tempting.
KinkintheLink
'Maybe Baby' (Dragon Age: Origins)
Dear LoveRadar,
So I meet this crazy emo chick on my travels, and she's totally not into me. She's real hot, kinda distant, but whatever, I'm way into her, so I go for it--I'm pulling out all the stops: casting sexy spells, whipping up love potions, pimping my tightest armour, and still--nothing. It's like I'm invisible to this girl. So anyways, I'm about to throw down with this gigantic f****** dragon when this chick just up and decides to jump me. She says she'll go all the way TONIGHT so long as I don't mind creating some weird demonic baby thing. Normally, I'd figure, what the hell, but my buddy Varric says that antichrist babies cost DOUBLE the child support! So, yeah, like what am I supposed I do? Also, I already did it. Advice?
TheLayWarden
Hardly a free man (Half-Life)
Dear LoveRadar,
I'm absolutely desperate to come out, but I'm afraid of what people might think of me when I do. I've been telling folks that I'd reveal myself for the last 7 years now, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Some close friends have even begun to doubt my authenticity, while my own father--who knows the truth--refuses to acknowledge my existence. At times, it can feel like I'm only living half a life. I have enough trouble talking to people as it is--how can I possibly temper their expectations?
AFreeMan.3
'Locust Lover' (Gears of War)
Dear LoveRadar,
I sometimes feel like my spouse and I are becoming distant. Ever since she was first abducted by rampaging alien hordes it's like there's been this huge subterranean rift between us. I mean, it's not like I'm not attentive to her needs--I dream about her all the time, and I'm always discussing our relationship with my buds. I guess you could say I've become less attracted to her since she decided to become wildly emaciated and lose most of her hair, but come on dude, I'm super ripped, and she can't even moisturise properly? Sounds pretty selfish to me.
DumbbellDom
'Pretty pathetic prey' (Metal Gear Solid)
Dear LoveRadar,
My company is currently staging an 'aggressive sit-in' protest in the Alaskan northwest, and I could really do with some advice. The job site is a remote military installation that's practically overflowing with scrawny, love struck scientists. I managed to silence the first few suitors who came my way, but I'm close to running on empty. Now, one of the sappiest, pants-wettingly-pathetic specimens won't leave me alone. I've tried to let him down gently, but he just won't let up. Last week I made the mistake of lending him a handkerchief and not 5 minutes later found him sniffing at the thing so hard I thought he was going to inhale it. He also insists I call him 'octagon', but he doesn't look like the MMA type to me? Help me LoveRadar! How can I shake this flake?
xxSniperWolfxoxo
'You cheated on me?!' (Contra)
Dear LoveRadar,
I'm beginning to suspect that my super soldier hubby--and all-round American beefcake--is cheating on me. The signs of his unfaithful play are everywhere--one moment he's Up, Up, the next: Doubly Down, an avowed Lefty this minute, a devout Righty the next--and then all over again! Just B A man for crying out loud! During a recent trip to the Galuga islands, he even suggested that I go back to the hotel alone one night 'considering as how I was completely spent'. Since when did he tap into these extra reserves of energy? Is he Contradicting himself or am I just playing Contrarian?
MadDog87
