Tell us where it hurts
Sometimes we all need a shoulder to cry on--a big meaty torso joint to collect our facial rain--but what about those who don't have anyone? No best buds, no human tissues, no uncomfortable acquaintances we've just now met? For these people, there are the advice column agony aunts, society's self-proclaimed 'masters of love' and gossip page sages. Never mind the fact that you've just trusted your love life to a perfect stranger, these guys are gurus, and no one's going to pay a moron to write gibberish all over the Internet, right? Right??!?
Of course, you don't need to be real to feel. Video games are practically overflowing with cases of unrequited love, broken tickers, and borderline personality disorders. Fictional creatures need love too, and some just want to spill their guts without the aid of a chainsaw. Enter, LoveRadar, the one stop shop for virtual hang--ups, insecurities and awful, impractical advice. It Begins!
'Grrr-us' (Mass Effect)
I've recently begun a romantic relationship with a rugged, brooding alien from the Trebia system. He isn't much for small-talk, but we're still hugely compatible as people. The bad news is that whenever we try to get it on together, neither one of us has any clue what to do. I suppose it doesn't help matters that our 'parts' are hilariously mismatched--what with my you-know-what and his what-on-earth-is-that. Just last week I spent over 2 hours giving him a thoughtful back massage. When I'd finished he told me that I'd crippled his neurological system for life. Please LoveRadar, re-calibrate our love life!
I'm guessing your beau isn't an Asari, or even a Hanar (those guys are like a floating Adults-only emporium), so here's how you deal with the rest. Turians: ruffle his feathers, swallow an earthworm or two, yanno--bird stuff. Elcor: trade some Shakespeare. Salarians: leave that body armour on and hope for the best. Quarians: check in to the local STD clinic ASAP. Krogans: Go wild, these guys are the galaxies' resident swingers, with absolutely zero chance of any unwanted pregnancy!
'Mi Amore' (Super Mario Bros.)
My girl, she's-a always-a playin-a hard-a to get -- says am a not a boyfriend-a material. Every other week she's-a back-a together with this overgrown-a meathead and every week amma there to pick uppa da pieces. And-a why? A bright-a red mohawk? He's-a naked from the neck down for crying out-a loud! Then there's-a me Mario: sporting success, luxurious moustache, and a low paying job in the sanitation department, what's-a not to love? Help me LoveRadar, amma trapped in the friendzone 1-1!
Sounds like this girl really gets your flagpole flying. Have you tried telling her how you feel, or better yet, melting her on-again / off-again boyfriend in a vat of molten steel?
'In the Navi' (Legend of Zelda)
I'm in a bit of a bind right now and I was hoping you could help. It's actually kind of ironic. I'm regarded as this big local hero when it comes to time manipulation, but I just can't seem to find the time to meet women. In desperation I've hooked up with my hugely irritating travel companion, and immediately regret the decision. She's just so clingy, and obsessive, and chirpy--it's driving me nuts. When I try to block her out, it's even worse, she keeps blathering away, screaming "LISTEN!" in my ear and pulling my face towards hers. Last week my pet bunny went missing from the garden, and later that night we had boiled rabbit for dinner, coincidence? Please LR, offer me an out--the edge of my master sword is beginning to look mighty tempting.
Maybe you should just Minish things with this girl and enjoy your Twilight years alone I'll see myself out
'Maybe Baby' (Dragon Age: Origins)
So I meet this crazy emo chick on my travels, and she's totally not into me. She's real hot, kinda distant, but whatever, I'm way into her, so I go for it--I'm pulling out all the stops: casting sexy spells, whipping up love potions, pimping my tightest armour, and still--nothing. It's like I'm invisible to this girl. So anyways, I'm about to throw down with this gigantic f****** dragon when this chick just up and decides to jump me. She says she'll go all the way TONIGHT so long as I don't mind creating some weird demonic baby thing. Normally, I'd figure, what the hell, but my buddy Varric says that antichrist babies cost DOUBLE the child support! So, yeah, like what am I supposed I do? Also, I already did it. Advice?
First things first, are you and your partner over the (Dragon) Age of consent? *awkward wink towards camera* Also, you should know that caring for any child is a big deal--especially one that turns out to be the embodiment of all worldly evil. On the plus side, your little tyke will enjoy excellent job prospects in the emerging 'nightmare fuel' sector.
Hardly a free man (Half-Life)
I'm absolutely desperate to come out, but I'm afraid of what people might think of me when I do. I've been telling folks that I'd reveal myself for the last 7 years now, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Some close friends have even begun to doubt my authenticity, while my own father--who knows the truth--refuses to acknowledge my existence. At times, it can feel like I'm only living half a life. I have enough trouble talking to people as it is--how can I possibly temper their expectations?
Please, for the love of god, just come out already. Please!
'Locust Lover' (Gears of War)
I sometimes feel like my spouse and I are becoming distant. Ever since she was first abducted by rampaging alien hordes it's like there's been this huge subterranean rift between us. I mean, it's not like I'm not attentive to her needs--I dream about her all the time, and I'm always discussing our relationship with my buds. I guess you could say I've become less attracted to her since she decided to become wildly emaciated and lose most of her hair, but come on dude, I'm super ripped, and she can't even moisturise properly? Sounds pretty selfish to me.
Locust infestations can put a lot of stress on a marriage. It might be best to put an end to your mutual suffering.
'Pretty pathetic prey' (Metal Gear Solid)
My company is currently staging an 'aggressive sit-in' protest in the Alaskan northwest, and I could really do with some advice. The job site is a remote military installation that's practically overflowing with scrawny, love struck scientists. I managed to silence the first few suitors who came my way, but I'm close to running on empty. Now, one of the sappiest, pants-wettingly-pathetic specimens won't leave me alone. I've tried to let him down gently, but he just won't let up. Last week I made the mistake of lending him a handkerchief and not 5 minutes later found him sniffing at the thing so hard I thought he was going to inhale it. He also insists I call him 'octagon', but he doesn't look like the MMA type to me? Help me LoveRadar! How can I shake this flake?
Some men just have a wolfish appetite when it comes to powerful women. If you really want to give this guy the old heave-ho then you're better off staying out of his way altogether--try finding the most isolated part of that base and sticking to it. Maybe lay a few friendly landmines while you're at it.
'You cheated on me?!' (Contra)
I'm beginning to suspect that my super soldier hubby--and all-round American beefcake--is cheating on me. The signs of his unfaithful play are everywhere--one moment he's Up, Up, the next: Doubly Down, an avowed Lefty this minute, a devout Righty the next--and then all over again! Just B A man for crying out loud! During a recent trip to the Galuga islands, he even suggested that I go back to the hotel alone one night 'considering as how I was completely spent'. Since when did he tap into these extra reserves of energy? Is he Contradicting himself or am I just playing Contrarian?
It seems like you and your hubby are slowly growing apart. Have you ever considered eviscerating wave after wave of mercenary scum together?
Show and tell
Has your heart been crushed by an end-level boss? Do paragons always finish last? And is the union between Bowser and Peach actually... anatomically possible? Answer these questions and more by scrolling on to the comments section below and leaving your thought-smatterings.
While you're just hanging around with nothing to do, why not check out more features? Here's one on Why The Real Villain In Watch Dogs Is... You, and another on 11 Stupidly Tough Game Dungeons... That Almost Made Us Rage Quit.