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The Top 7… sexy horses every stud should ride

It’s not easy being a horse, especially a diabetic horse who loves sugar cubes and games. As a proud member of the Equidae family, I don’t give a damn about the new protagonist in Assassin’s Creed II or the stupid non-animal flying device he’ll pilot. I just want to know if Ezio will be riding a freaking horse through the Tuscan countryside. Will he get to mount a Salerno, or perhaps a San Fratello? Even though it wouldn’t be historically accurate, I’ve always been a big fan of the American Saddlebred; their chiseled bone structure and high-stepping gait makes them hard to resist. That would be nice. But I digress.

You see, I’ve been brought here to add some horse-cred to the mostly hoof-less (and quite frankly, boring) editorial content here at GamesRadar. So today, we’re here to admire the fine form of gaming’s greatest mounts, the tireless equines that carried helpless protagonists across rivers, through caves, and over mountains.


7) Epona

The games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, The Minish Cap, Twilight Princess
The rider: Some human boy dressed in green

Epona was born and raised at the Lon Lon Ranch. The bashful filly was originally destined for a lifetime of servitude between the cold unloving thighs of Ganondorf. I hate seeing good girls lowering themselves before unworthy riders. Luckily for Epona, some kind kid with a sword freed her from a cruel future with this unsightly villain.

Can you hear the soft clip-clop of happy hooves prancing through the verdant plains of Hyrule? That’s Epona, giving a free ride to the luckiest boy in the world.


Above: Epona’s silver mane and golden haunches are pleasing to the eye. But it’s her gentle nature that will win over your heart 


Above: Happiness is petting Epona 

Know your horse: Epona was named after a Celtic goddess who protected horses, donkeys, and mules. She reappears in Majora’s Mask and rides through even more battles in Twilight Princess. Astute fans will remember Epona’s cameo in The Minish Cap, where she can be seen towing a cart of Lon Lon milk for Malon, her greedy capitalist oppressor.


Above: We change our mind. When it comes to riding, this human boy in green doesn’t know shit about crap


6) Acherus Deathcharger

The game: World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King
The rider: Some Death Knight

Why do good stallions always fall so hard for evil mares? Maybe it’s a way for us to buck against the reigns of our conservative sires, to rebel against our agrarian roots. Or maybe mares just look incredibly hot when wrapped in a naughty coat of armor that has “I’m a bad girl,” written all over it. Either way, the Acherus Deathcharger isn’t the sort of gal you’d bring home to meet your parents. But that’s what makes riding her so exciting.


Above: Thanks to their undead background, Deathchargers get along great with boney non-ponies, like this skinny Blood Elf 


Above: Deathchargers can always bear the weight of fully armored tanks 

Know your horse: This is a very fast mount. It will increase your movement speed by no less than 100% and is exclusive to Death Knights. In order to earn this sweet ride, you’ll need to complete the quest called “Into the Realm of Shadows.” Just talk to Salanar the Horseman in the Scarlet Enclave.

Topics

Buttercup

141 comments

  • Jadernader - July 26, 2010 9:53 p.m.

    Epona > all other horses
  • shopping88 - June 8, 2010 1:40 p.m.

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  • jnewco81 - January 2, 2010 8:55 p.m.

    Unfortunately they would probably end up shooting Agro... Horse + Broken Leg = Bad news :-(
  • jackthemenace - December 9, 2009 8:24 p.m.

    :O shadowmere wasn't on there! but at least you did mention the ES:IV horses. on a side note, can you use the horse armour to armour shadowmere?
  • FanofSaiyan - December 5, 2009 2:15 a.m.

    Is it me, or do the people at Gamesradar have a LITTLE too much time on their hands?
  • Kytl - October 6, 2009 12:03 a.m.

    Epona is best
  • Counternub - August 7, 2009 9:07 p.m.

    For oblivion you should have put shadowmere
  • Conman93 - July 23, 2009 2:04 p.m.

    I was really really sad when agro 'died'. That is such an awesome game
  • Cyberninja - July 14, 2009 4:14 p.m.

    sweet horses write articles now and i was right about you guys runing out of ideas
  • killer98 - July 11, 2009 4:15 p.m.

    this is a weird subject!
  • RebornKusabi - July 10, 2009 8:24 p.m.

    I love the idiots that either didn't get this article or took it seriously.
  • ClusterShart - July 10, 2009 7:22 p.m.

    Best. Fucking. Article. Ever. .
  • cassadinechik - July 10, 2009 2:06 p.m.

    Yeah, Epona being named alone puts her above Assassin's Creed's and Oblivion's random horses. I agree, horseshit.
  • Frootaloom - July 10, 2009 2:37 a.m.

    mmmmm, look at them fine stallions.
  • skyguy343 - July 10, 2009 12:26 a.m.

    @kacebaad07 pay attention to the industry. ever heard of last guardian? christ.. anyways, i aboslutely knew agro was going to be at the top of this list cuz he was and is the best sidekick i have ever seen in a game and touched me enough to make me shed a tear when he bravely gave his life for me
  • gatornation1254 - July 8, 2009 10:37 p.m.

    I will like to see more articles from B. Buttercup.
  • PrincessPeachesTampon - July 8, 2009 8:12 p.m.

    Oooh Buttercup! I wanna ride you so hard!
  • reroxas - July 8, 2009 4:46 p.m.

    Yes Agro won (but i thought it was Aro in the U.S. version which I have)he was totally the coolest ridable animal since who knows when
  • Hydrohs - July 8, 2009 3:24 a.m.

    ...WTF DO YOU MEAN EPONA IS NUMBER 7? BULLSHIT. ... Wait... I MEAN HORSESHIT.

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