Switch 2 has the weakest launch lineup of any Nintendo console I've owned, but I'm still just one good single-player game away from dropping $500

Like a PC exhaust fan put through the wringer, I am ready to whine. The Nintendo Switch 2 is out at last, and while it sadly hasn't made the world a better place overnight – granted, what could meet that tall order apart from perhaps a large asteroid – it is a rock-solid little console. It's like a Switch, but it has a 2 on it and it's way more expensive. How do those folks at the house of Mario think of this stuff?

To put it mildly, the Switch 2 is a better version of everything the Switch was. Stronger hardware, improved frame rates, and surprisingly good Joy-Con-enabled mouse controls make it a more comfortable third-party destination and could enable ambitious new Nintendo experiences. I say could because I am still waiting on those experiences. To put it less mildly, the Switch 2 is a lovely little console with absolutely zero games that I care about enough to drop $500.

Slim pickings

Consoles exist to provide no-fuss entry points to high-end gaming, and to play exclusive games that may or may not demonstrate what makes their consoles unique. In a sea of games that came out years ago on platforms with better hardware, exactly three exclusives stood out to me among the Switch 2 launch games: Mario Kart World, Nintendo Switch 2 Welcome Tour, and Bravely Default Flying Fairy HD Remaster (thank you for this name, Square Enix).

Our very own Rollin Bishop's Mario Kart World review agrees: this right here is more Mario Kart, bigger and quite arguably better than ever. Nintendo has done some genuinely cool stuff with the world design, expert players are cracking open the vehicle mechanics like pecans in a vise, and darn it all I just can't bring myself to care.

Mario Kart has always sat alongside Super Smash Bros. as the type of game that I'm not super into, but which is so fun with friends that it gets a seat at the table. I don't particularly like PvP or racing games, so Mario Kart World was always kind of doomed to a paddle-less fate up a creek, but I'm omnivorous enough to enjoy them when the situation calls for it. It's just that, to me, Mario Kart is a side dish. So when Nintendo tried to make a whole meal out of it, positioning Mario Kart World as the tentpole Switch 2 launch game, I was not wowed. There's that, and the fact that going to Nintendo for online multiplayer is like going to Burger King for a salad.

This will sound far-fetched coming from the man underwhelmed by a new and universally acclaimed Mario Kart: Nintendo Switch 2 Welcome Tour ain't doing it for me, either. Buying a Switch 2 to play this glorified demo would be like buying a PS5 to play Astro's Playroom, I thought. Then I realized it's actually worse, because Astro's Playroom is free and – again according to reviewers (and again including Rollin, please pray for Rollin) – better. So that's a wash.

Square Enix gets the win here because Bravely Default FF HD is the only game of these three that I really want to play. Bravely Default, and especially Bravely Default 2, are some of my favorite JRPGs of all time. They've done more for turn-based combat than almost any other game of the past decade. I'd love to revisit the first one on a big screen that doesn't hurt my rapidly aging eyes. Yet at the same time, I have tons of JRPGs to play elsewhere, and spending $450 plus peripherals and games to replay something that I beat on Nintendo DS a decade ago is the kind of thing I could never possibly explain to my conscience when it comes knocking at our next scheduled 2am review of all my regrets.

Save me, DK

It's just a fabulously mediocre launch lineup for my tastes, and such a perfect storm too. Metroid Prime 4: Beyond was tragically pushed back. What I'd give to have it today (hint: about $500). And the Switch 2 is just powerful enough to play games like Cyberpunk 2077 and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild – now that's a launch game with some chest hair – much better than Switch, but not so much better that I simply have to play them here. I was going to get a Switch 2 and use it to play Fantasy Life i: The Girl Who Steals Time, but then I found a good OLED monitor and decided to play it on PC because at this point I will take any excuse to look at this freakin' monitor. Have you seen these things?

What I want is a meaty, colorful, single-player adventure that feels like the kind of thing only Nintendo could make. Games like that are the reason I buy Nintendo consoles, not the third-worst version of Cyberpunk. The Switch 2 just does not have that right now. 'More Mario Kart Except It's $80' ain't it. There's no Super Mario 64, no Breath of the Wild, no Luigi's Mansion. Hell, even the Wii U launched with a Mario game that I could fully enjoy on my own.

Right now, the bearer of my hopes is an unlikely hero: Donkey Kong. We've had a complicated relationship. I'm a fan of his early work but ol' DK is probably my least-favorite Nintendo mascot – Yoshi and Kirby absolutely clear him, sorry bud – plus I didn't click with some of his modern platformers, which had too much ice level slidiness for me. But it looks like DK has really been cooking, and by cooking I mean ripping off Tears of the Kingdom harder than he rips peels off bananas. Donkey Kong Bananza looks like everything I wanted out of a Switch 2 launch game. It's just, you know, a few weeks late. Will it be enough to finally pry $500 from my fastidious hands? Probably, because I am legitimately desperate for an excuse to buy this thing. Come on, Donkey Kong. Give me a reason.

Nintendo's suddenly made Switch 2 release dates for Metroid Prime 4 and Kirby Air Riders a lot easier to guess as it reveals an August launch for its Rocket League-style wheelchair basketball game.