Here’s a new line of Hatewear for you to try on. We’ll trot out a beloved sacred cow franchise and give you five simple reasons why it may not be the hippo’s nipples after all. We’ll be here all week, making lists of things to hate about the things you like. Will we pick on your favorite franchise? Check back tomorrow. Until then, see what’s not to like about Half-Life.
1. Fact: Alyx Vance is overrated
She somehow manages to constantly make fanboy dream date lists (our own included-link), but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a one-trick pony. The only reason she stands out at all is purely by contrast to the hyper-sexualized vixens that normally appear in videogames. You (meaning “the internet,” not you individually) claim that Alyx is the best because she isn’t objectified, then you go and objectify her in countless mods and fan art.
Above: Tits ahoy! Valve can’t control what you do to the game after it’s been released
2. Gordon Freeman is a shallow hipster icon with no real substance
Even more than Alyx, Gordon Freeman is lauded for characteristics that are largely generated by the wishful imaginings of his fans. He’s the ultimate synecdoche (a portmanteau of “synthetic” and “douche” if I remember my lit crit correctly), in that his glasses and crowbar are more than simply a substitution for the rest of him: they actually constitute the totality of his character.
Art hastily doodled by Tyler Wilde
3. They will never explain G-Man
Put forth as many watertight, bulletproof theories as you like. It’s just too easy to trot him out every time they need a deus ex machina or red herring to throw at the player. The second Valve explains G-Man and his motives is the second Half Life has to start making sense, and therefore dies. Remember, strong-silent-guy, there are things about this world that you were never meant to know.
Above: If G-Man knows, he isn’t telling
4. A crowbar does as much damage as a gun?
We’re not theoretical physicists, but we’re pretty sure we’d rather be hit with a crowbar than shot with a gun. Yet somehow, magically, in the hands of a mild-mannered mute with enormous glasses, the crowbar becomes orders of magnitude more powerful. Maybe a trick Gordon learned at MIT? Funny in a game lauded for it’s realistic physics!
5. Valve takes their sweet ass time with everything
I thought the goal of episodic content was to have quick turnaround times? Instead we get sequels to games we weren’t even tired of playing yet (Portal, L4Deeeeeeeeeeznuts). So what’s the holdup Valve? Having already conquered videogame physics, maybe they’ve moved on to modeling the best dang astrophysics you’ve ever seen. Look out, 2015, Gordon is gonna get heliocentric on your ass!
Mar 24, 2010