Sonic hates a lot of people

He's making a list, he's checking it twice...

Sonic hasn't had a very good few months. First Sonic Boom tanked, then the bailiffs came round to repossess his All-Stars Racing car. Then he wagered Tails' plane trying to get the car back and ended up losing them both. He hasn't told Tails yet. Then there was the speculation in the press that maybe it was time he retired. Even Amy has started only calling twice a day. Needless to say, he blames a lot of other people for the situation he's found himself in which is where this list comes in.

This is Sonic's hit list. It details all the people he feels have wronged him. The ones who will be first against the wall when the revolution comes. Of course this isn't normal or healthy behaviour; Sonic's gone a bit wrong. He tried so hard for so long, kept up his chipper demeanor and even pretended to enjoy playing tennis. Well, now he's snapped. Writing it all down is likely just his coping mechanism and he'll probably never go through with it for real. Probably.

Donkey Kong

Sonic read A Clockwork Orange the other day and was struck in particular by the bit about how Dim would be grateful to Alex for being pulled from water, even if it was Alex that had pushed him in. That's how Sonic feels about DK. Indeed, he fantasises about pushing DK into water. Deep water.

But he wouldn't help him out again. He'd stand and watch as the waves took him over, foaming and crashing like an aquatic recreation of Beethoven's 5th Symphony. He'd viddy good. Real horrorshow, like.

Amy Rose

The Olympic Games are all about athleticism. Training. Speed. Sheer, glorious speed. It's everything that Sonic stands for. Amy? Not so much. It's not even the fact that Sonic had his speed reduced by the judges so that everyone else had a chance. It's that stupid inane grin on Amy's face when she stands on the top step of the podium, and says "That's right, I'm the best".

That's not even slightly right, Amy! You're slow in Sonic Adventure, slow in Sonic R and painfully slow on the uptake when it comes to the fact that Sonic ISN'T INTERESTED. And enough with trying to get him to babysit lost birdies. You're depriving a buzzard of its dinner.

Shadow the Hedgehog

Shadow represents everything that's gone wrong for Sonic, and is basically the opposite of him. When Sonic still actually gave a flying f*** about anything except self-loathing, he stood for eco-friendly, nature-loving, friend-helping goodness. Shadow? He 'likes guns'. And he was so blown up at the end of Sonic Adventure 2. Sonic even got to say one of his best lines: "Sayonara, Shadow the Hedgehog". It was poignant. It was dramatic. It had freakin' piano behind it. And yet who pops up again in everything a few weeks later? Shadow.

To rub salt into the Shadowy wounds, the utterly abysmal Gamecube/Xbox/PS2 game Shadow the Hedgehog is arguably better than Sonic the Hedgehog 2006. He can't be allowed to get away with that. It must all be... erased.

Knuckles

Got your own game, did you, Knucklehead? Well no-one plays it. It's only worth loads of money on eBay because so few people bothered to buy it in the first place. You know how many people have played the original Sonic the Hedgehog? EVERYONE.

This would have all been resolved much sooner if Knuckles hadn't transformed into a walking advertisement for steroid abuse. But Sonic will have his day. Just when Knuckles least expects it, Sonic's wrath will rain down upon him like a ton of lead. But first he needs to ask if Knuckles will lend him a few Benjamins, just till the rent gets paid.

Mario

It's little surprise, but Sonic blames Mario for everything. Every. Thing. The reason it rained during his 14th birthday party? Mario's fault. The reason they keep forcing Sonic to embrace the third dimension? Mario's fault. The reason he can't love Amy? Mario's fault. See, Mario's so under Sonic's skin, he is unable to think of anything else.

That time Princess Elise kissed Sonic to wake him? Sonic only woke up because he dreamed it was Mario. Yes, he is f***ed up. But whose fault is that, really? Mario's.

NiGHTS

USURPER! That's what Sonic thinks whenever someone says the word 'NiGHTS'. Actually, he thinks that any time anyone says the words 'PlayStation', 'Knuckles' or 'Boyz II Men'.

Worse still, NiGHTS only ever exists in dreams, and that includes Sonic's. Ironic, really. NiGHTS is supposed to soothe nightmares, yet Sonic's feverish hallucinations are full of him. Him and that stupid invisible flute. It's always the same: NiGHTS plays it, and Sonic dances. He can't stop dancing. Oh god, how he can not stop.

Bubsy

Everyone hates Bubsy, but at least Sonic can least look down on him. The reason Bubsy's on the list is all about power. Sonic is better than Bubsy. Bubsy is worse than Sonic. This mantra helps Sonic sleep at night and he may, or may not, have scratched it into the walls of his house several hundred times. With his fingernails. Yes, some of the words are written in red.

I should probably add that Sonic's house smells funny, too. And all of the light bulbs need replacing. But even so, I hear that's better than Bubsy's doing these days.

Kirby

He may not know Kirby very well, but it makes Sonic physically vomit at how happy he is. Git.

But Robotnik isn't on the list

Despite what you might think, Sonic and Robotnik actually go for drinks together nowadays. They sit at the bar, clinking their glasses of neat whiskey, reminiscing about all the various buttons that Dr R jumped on to foil Sonic and arguing about whether Sonic's invincibility music was better than Robotnik's boss theme. Happy days.

Sonic still pulls his hand away from Robotnik at the end of the evening, eschewing the manly handshake in favour of blowing a raspberry. 'Gotta blow rasps', right? Robotnik knows it's coming every time, but he still says 'ahh, you got me'. Sonic's toyed with the idea of getting Robotnik to help with the hit list, but the guy's getting on a bit now. He must've been in his late 50s in 1991, and the process of shifting that enormous bulk down from the bar stool looks like a Herculian effort at the end of each evening. Robotnik does a lot of stage work for charity, though. Sonic's considered it, but he can't bear the inevitable humiliation of asking the crowd where his career is.