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Hurry down the chimney, yeah?
When Eartha Kitt rudely requested Santa come and trim her Christmas tree in the multiple-entendred festive tune, she clearly wasnt picturing the strange assortment of stand-ins below to dive down her chimney. These weirdos range from a fat megalomaniac to a time-controlling cat to a mournful spider lady. But they share a common trait: theyd all be awesome Father Christmases.
Professor Oak (Pokemon)
Oak Oak Oak, Mareep Christmas! Thats what the legendary Pokmon prof and well-known master of puns would definitely say all the time if he decided to don a beard and become Father Christmas. It wouldnt even get old. Imagine it, a new Pokmon for every girl and boy on Christmas morning. Transporting them wouldnt be too hard for Oak - hed need only grab a few hundred pokballs and toss them out to bug catchers, campers, youngsters and lasses of Kanto. He could even ride a sleigh pulled by Deerlings and Stantlers. And for the naughty kids? Give em a lump of Torkoal.
Quelaag (Dark Souls)
A big part of the whole Santa Claus experience revolves around knees. More specifically, kids sitting on knees, explaining what they want for Crimbo. And annoyingly, old Kris Kringle only has two of them. Weak. Whatever your thoughts on the man are - and lets be honest, hes a divisive character - thats pretty disappointing. This is why Chaos Witch Quelaag from Dark Souls would be an excellent stand-in because, with a whopping eight legs hosting 16 hairy knees, she would boost knee-sitting frequency in Lordran tenfold. Thats simple science.
Tingle (Zelda)
Tingle bells indeed. This notorious middle-aged fairy man comes festively dressed as standard, what with his tasteful all-green bodysuit, bulbous belly, and smart red thong. Simply dye his wispish facial hair white and hell be the spitting image of Old Saint Nick. Old Tingle's a cartographer, so he already knows where all Hyrulian children live (in a non-creepy way), and he travels by way of ultra-safe and convenient hot air balloon, which allows him to drop rupees into the wallets of fairy boys and girls everywhere. Kooloo-Limpah! Thats what he says.
Blinx (Blinx: The Time Sweeper)
Einstein famously disproved the existence of Father Christmas when he selfishly declared that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. NOT EVEN SANTA. But hold on a merry minute: did Einstein ever mention a time-controlling cat called Blinx whos able to alter the so-called immutable laws of the universe. No he most certainly did not!
Wario (Mario series)
Ok, so Wario is less of a Santa and more of a grinch, shaking down fools for treasure, shrewdly managing a microgame-making company, and in Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coin even tricking poor Mario out of his castle and taking hard drugs in the throne room. But what if the greasy idiot used his powers of greed for good? Why, hed be able to give children of the world a positively golden shower of unimaginable riches, possibly contributing to the formation of a new 1% and removing the secret elite lizardmen from their seats of power.
Faith (Mirror's Edge)
I'm pretty sure celebrating Christmas is banned in the dystopian, whitewashed city of Mirrors Edge, but then The Man tells you not to run fast or scare pigeons or kill people in cold blood with a series of deadly firearms and Faith does it anyway. Because shes rebelling against the system, yeah? Barring a poor bit of signposting or amateur-grade level design or something, nothing would stop our nimble Nike ninja from delivering you presents speedily, provided theyre not a tiny bit heavy. Youd need to ask for an iTunes gift card or some stamps - something she could fit in a bumbag.
Mike Haggar (Final Fight)
Santas whole mythology is based on him making snap judgements about people. Oooh, youve been naughty, youve been nice. Dude, you dont even know me. Who made you the world's moral adjudicator? People dont get tattoos with only God can judge me (and also Santa). It just seems a bit of a dick move to be dealing in absolutes, especially around Christmas. Luckily, thats Mike Haggers whole spiel. And he does it with a lot more class.
Merry Christmas - have a shiny box
Well, there are my picks for the video game characters who would actually make great Santas. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to decorate my home with festive, parasitic wall-huggers, such is the tradition in my family. If you have comments, and your fingers aren't too full of gifts, leave comments below. On anything, really, I don't mind.
