I mustache you a question...
They say that you can judge a man's character by the quality of his mustache. Wait, they don't? Well, at least I say that. Just as mustaches can convey a sense of heroism and charm (like a certain pair of mustachioed plumbers), the hair on one's upper lip can also inspire fear, chaos, and a general feeling of "yeah, that dude is evil."
Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog)
Who he is: Sonic's arch-nemesis, Dr. Eggman (or Robotnik if you refuse to let go of the '90s) is a supremely evil dude with a supremely evil mustache. He's an ambitious man--if your idea of ambition involves creating your own empire on the backs of its animal-turned-robot citizens. And if you follow the lore of the cartoon show (and who doesn't?), he's even responsible for turning Sonic's dad into an unfeeling automaton--an evil deed worthy of the name "Robotnik."
Dr. Wily (Mega Man)
Who he is: Dr. Wily was once a kind, good-hearted scientist. He worked with Dr. Light to build the robots that contributed to society in the year 20XX, letting humanity focus on the things that truly mattered, like watching reality shows about celebrity chefs. After some creative differences, Dr. Wily (with mustache in tow) broke from his partnership and reprogrammed all of his robots to kick the tar out of the general populace, only to be stopped by the one thing he didn't count on--Mega Man.
Wario (Super Mario Land 2)
Who he is: What do you get when you cram the Japanese character for "bad" into the name of the world's most popular Italian plumber, then give it a spiky, angular mustache? You get Wario, the evil villain of Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins. Since his turn as Mario's slovenly nemesis, he's taken on his own role as Nintendo's avaricious anti-hero--allowing Nintendo to explore its naughty side.
Waluigi (Mario Tennis)
Who he is: Waluigi is pretty much the worst character ever. Want proof? The only reason for his existence is because Wario needed a tennis double. Sure, Waluigi's name makes sense (literally meaning "bad Luigi" in Japanese), but it lacks the cleverness of his fatter, more successful partner. Turn an "M" upside-down, you get a "W." Turn an "L" upside-down? You just get an upside-down "L." His evil deeds range from mischievously playing sports, to riding dirty in Mario Kart. Diabolical.
LeChuck (The Secret Monkey Island)
Who he is: LeChuck has been through a lot of life changes over the years. First, he tried to take over the Caribbean as a ghost, then as a zombie, then as a flame-encrusted demon. Unfortunately for him, his nefarious plans have been foiled every time by the naive pirate wanna-be Guybrush Threepwood. Still, building an evil theme park and gentrifying the tropics with themed sushi restaurants is an impressive feat, even if both were destroyed by a man with the mindset of a ten-year-old.
Dracula (Castlevania)
Who he is: As the famous quote goes, "What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets, incapable of growing a slick mustache quite like Dracula, the king of the vampires." Based on the Dracula of literary fame (in turn based on the infamous Vlad the Impaler), Castlevania's version of the fabled bloodsucker isn't interested in kidnapping maidens as much as he is in being the ultimate personification of evil. Through countless games he has haunted the Belmont family and inflicted numerous terrors on the countryside--always to return after every supposed defeat. And always wearing a badass mustache on his face.
Lance Vance (Grand Theft Auto: Vice City)
Who he is: Lance Vance is the cocaine-happy drug dealer who helps protagonist Tommy Vercetti on his Scarface-like rise to the top. He's also an impulsive loose cannon, and doesn't take kindly when it seems that his efforts are underappreciated. Pissed at playing second fiddle, he sells Tommy out to his old mob boss, culminating in a show-down on par with every 1980s action movie ever made. In short, don't mess with Lance Vance.
Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid)
Who he is: Despite his inauspicious roots as a Russian Spetznaz officer (with an odd American accent), Revolver Ocelot quickly grew into the megalomaniacal tyrant he is today. Feared across the world as the mythical "Shalashaska," Revolver Ocelot's expertise with his titular weapon (a weaponized Ocelot) and his uncompromising stance on nukes, torture, walking battle-tanks, and other happy beams of sunshine make him and his glorious mustache a force to be reckoned with.
Andrew Ryan (Bioshock)
Who he is: Is man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? Or, in this case, his meticulously cultivated mustache? Andrew Ryan thought so--and built the underwater objectivist utopia of Rapture to escape persecution from the clean-shaven plebes. No one bothered to think about who would be responsible for cleaning up everyone's mess, however. After a great war, Rapture was left in ruin, leaving Andrew Ryan king of his underwater prison--and thus the sole admirer of his kempt lip hair.
Soda Popinski (Punch-Out!!)
Who he is: As a stop on Little Mac's "Punching Through Ethnic Stereotypes" tour, Soda Popinski is one of Punch-Out's more formidable foes. With the power of soda (not vodka, Nintendo assures you) and a singular Fu Manchu adorning his otherwise bald visage, Popinski towers over Little Mac, assailing him with massive uppercuts and recharging his health with a refreshing dose of carbonated water (again, totally not vodka).
Heihachi Mishima (Tekken)
Who he is: Heihachi is one bad mother, probably the baddest of the entire Tekken franchise--and this is a series with a boxing velociraptor and a demonic samurai. You don't throw your son into a ravine and end up with the "Father of the Year" award, and you don't take over a military conglomerate and run the most brutal fighting competition in the world without breaking a few bones. He may look like an old man with graying hair, but you do not want to mess with his spiky coif--and his even spikier 'stache.
King of All Cosmos (Katamari Damacy)
Who he is: Perhaps the worst kind of villain is one who doesn't know he's a bad guy. The King of All Cosmos has a tendency to unknowingly destroy all of the stars in the universe in the midst of his drunken escapades. What's worse, he sends his poor son to clean up the mess. As if things couldn't get more depressing, the King does not tolerate failure--so when his son slacks on the clean-up job, the King blasts him with lasers from his eyeballs as punishment. This is bad parenting on a whole new level.
Mecha-Hitler (Wolfenstein 3D)
Who he is: In addition to being responsible for countless war crimes, Adolf Hitler inspired his Nazi regime to partake in weird and esoteric experiments. Wolfenstein 3D took this to its most extreme conclusion--what if the Nazis actually succeeded in creating an army of undead soldiers? And what if they were able to bionically enhance existing soldiers with mounted gatling guns and robotic armor--with Hitler leading the charge? Man, that guy was a dick.
...But I'll shave it for later
Be wary if you attempt to sport any of these nose neighbors. People might think you're in league with this dastardly band of misfits--unless that's the kind of look you're going for. Just don't blame me if someone mistakes you for a mad roboticist with delusions of grandeur. Did I miss your favorite fiendish face follicles? Let me know in the comments below!
