Hurry down the chimney, yeah?
When Eartha Kitt rudely requested Santa come and trim her Christmas tree in the multiple-entendred festive tune, she clearly wasnt picturing the strange assortment of stand-ins below to dive down her chimney. These weirdos range from a fat megalomaniac to a time-controlling cat to a mournful spider lady. But they share a common trait: theyd all be awesome Father Christmases.
How? Why? Read on and well explain all in our follow up to the feature that looks at game characters who would make the worst Santas! I say we. Its actually just me slouched in an office chair writing this without a shred of warmth or humanity visible on my stoney face. Merry, er, something!!
Professor Oak (Pokemon)
Oak Oak Oak, Mareep Christmas! Thats what the legendary Pokmon prof and well-known master of puns would definitely say all the time if he decided to don a beard and become Father Christmas. It wouldnt even get old. Imagine it, a new Pokmon for every girl and boy on Christmas morning. Transporting them wouldnt be too hard for Oak - hed need only grab a few hundred pokballs and toss them out to bug catchers, campers, youngsters and lasses of Kanto. He could even ride a sleigh pulled by Deerlings and Stantlers. And for the naughty kids? Give em a lump of Torkoal.
Oak would have competition though. See, Santa actually exists in the Pokmon universe, first appearing in the anime episode Holiday Hi-Jynx where he employs an army of Jynx to prepare presents for Christmas.
Quelaag (Dark Souls)
A big part of the whole Santa Claus experience revolves around knees. More specifically, kids sitting on knees, explaining what they want for Crimbo. And annoyingly, old Kris Kringle only has two of them. Weak. Whatever your thoughts on the man are - and lets be honest, hes a divisive character - thats pretty disappointing. This is why Chaos Witch Quelaag from Dark Souls would be an excellent stand-in because, with a whopping eight legs hosting 16 hairy knees, she would boost knee-sitting frequency in Lordran tenfold. Thats simple science.
Yes, shes not very child-friendly what with her vicious nature and toplessness, but give your kid an estus flask to chug on and take them away before she starts spewing fire and theyll be alright. Probably. Her home of Blighttown contains many suitable gifts, including a plank shield, pyromancer robes, and the extra special Tin Banishment Catalyst, as well as bunch of friendly faces to help her deliver them, from giant mosquitoes to bloated leeches to that old festive favourite: the parasitic wall hugger.
Tingle (Zelda)
Tingle bells indeed. This notorious middle-aged fairy man comes festively dressed as standard, what with his tasteful all-green bodysuit, bulbous belly, and smart red thong. Simply dye his wispish facial hair white and hell be the spitting image of Old Saint Nick. Old Tingle's a cartographer, so he already knows where all Hyrulian children live (in a non-creepy way), and he travels by way of ultra-safe and convenient hot air balloon, which allows him to drop rupees into the wallets of fairy boys and girls everywhere. Kooloo-Limpah! Thats what he says.
See, Tingle loves collectibles of all kinds - in Four Swords Adventures its Force Gems, and in The Minish Cap its Kinstones - so his sack would be positively bursting. His generosity takes on darker implications when you consider that in the DS game Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland it is explained Tingle needs Rupees to live. Does does Tingle have a death wish?
Blinx (Blinx: The Time Sweeper)
Einstein famously disproved the existence of Father Christmas when he selfishly declared that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. NOT EVEN SANTA. But hold on a merry minute: did Einstein ever mention a time-controlling cat called Blinx whos able to alter the so-called immutable laws of the universe. No he most certainly did not!
Star of the 2002 Xbox platformer, and another in 2004 that was even worse, this tuna-crazed temporal tabby is billed as the worlds first 4D action hero (CATction hero? No) thanks to his crazy (CATrazy? No) vacuum cleaner that can slow, stop, reverse and fast-forward the very fabric of time. Hey Einstein, imagine how useful that would be at delivering presents, you know-it-all. Lets just hope Blinx doesnt use his powers for evil, like freezing time and stripping everyone naked! Haha, oh Blinx. Never change.
Wario (Mario series)
Ok, so Wario is less of a Santa and more of a grinch, shaking down fools for treasure, shrewdly managing a microgame-making company, and in Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coin even tricking poor Mario out of his castle and taking hard drugs in the throne room. But what if the greasy idiot used his powers of greed for good? Why, hed be able to give children of the world a positively golden shower of unimaginable riches, possibly contributing to the formation of a new 1% and removing the secret elite lizardmen from their seats of power.
Plus hes got an awesome assortment of fast-ass vehicles, including two cars, a tractor, a plane, and a bike, on which to deliver presents. Obviously he couldnt ride them all at once, but were sure he could recruit his WarioWare mates like Kat, Spitz and Mona and to help out. Also his good buddy Dr. Crygor (half robot) once fixed Warios GBA, so its extremely likely hed know how to programme an advanced AI into these vehicles so they could drive themselves. Yeah...
Faith (Mirror's Edge)
I'm pretty sure celebrating Christmas is banned in the dystopian, whitewashed city of Mirrors Edge, but then The Man tells you not to run fast or scare pigeons or kill people in cold blood with a series of deadly firearms and Faith does it anyway. Because shes rebelling against the system, yeah? Barring a poor bit of signposting or amateur-grade level design or something, nothing would stop our nimble Nike ninja from delivering you presents speedily, provided theyre not a tiny bit heavy. Youd need to ask for an iTunes gift card or some stamps - something she could fit in a bumbag.
Nope, not low-hanging pipe, steam vent, nor small, jumpable gap would stand in Faiths way. And lets not forget her loyal band of runners, just as fast but a touch more forgettable, wholl no doubt help her with her haul. Careful though, because one or more of them are bound to betray her at some point. That just makes for a better narrative.
Mike Haggar (Final Fight)
Santas whole mythology is based on him making snap judgements about people. Oooh, youve been naughty, youve been nice. Dude, you dont even know me. Who made you the world's moral adjudicator? People dont get tattoos with only God can judge me (and also Santa). It just seems a bit of a dick move to be dealing in absolutes, especially around Christmas. Luckily, thats Mike Haggers whole spiel. And he does it with a lot more class.
From the Final Fight series, this former professional wrestler turned mayor rules over Metro City with an iron fist and a waxed chest and a class moustache. If youre naughty, like the Mad Gear gang who kidnap Haggars daughter and send house prices in the area plummeting, Haggar wont just shove a lump of coal in your face, but a signature reverse elbow too. And if youve been nice? Expect a platter of delicious pavement turkey and possibly a confiscated blade or two. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas - have a shiny box
Well, there are my picks for the video game characters who would actually make great Santas. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to decorate my home with festive, parasitic wall-huggers, such is the tradition in my family. If you have comments, and your fingers aren't too full of gifts, leave comments below. On anything, really, I don't mind.
Want more Crimbo features? Here's one about Murdering Santa Claus, and here's a different one about GTA Online's Festive Gubbins. Enjoy!
