Join The Community
Watto
The Character: Toydarian merchant, slave-owner and all-round dodgy geezer who 'owns' Anakin Skywalker in The Phantom Menace .
Why So Stupid? In a film littered with dubious racial stereotyping, Watto is the most 'on the nose,' primarily because his hooked nose (not to mention the raspy Middle Eastern voice and greed) recall the kind of anti-Semitic profiling the Nazis might consider too unsubtle.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: He'd never work again.
Endorian Fish
The Character: A talking fish on Endor, who befriended Teebo in the Ewoks TV series and created an air bubble so the teddy bears could travel underwater en route to completing an adventure.
Why So Stupid? The above description is literally all this character does. The writers must have been smoking some serious crack to choose a talking fish over, say, a canoe.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: For starters, he'd need a name. How about Fisho? Then, for merchandising, a Fisho doll that burbled the Star Wars theme tune when you put it under water. Coming up with a plot would come third on this list.
Ikrit
The Character: As seen in the Junior Jedi Knights series, a male Kushiban trained as a Jedi by Yoda, who became best buds with Han and Leia's son, Anakin Solo.
Why So Stupid? Are you kidding? He's (yet) a(nother) rabbit. Wielding a lightsaber. And yet who, according to the timeline, buggered off for 400 years and avoided being slaughtered during the Jedi Purge. More of a pussy than a bunny, then.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: It'd prove he really wasn't paying attention when Howard The Duck was released.
Gormaanda
The Character: Four-armed chef whose shows were a hit on the HoloNet.
Why So Stupid? Comedian Harvey Korman demeaned himself thrice over in the Star Wars Holiday Special , but this performance - in blackface, a fright wig and a pair of false arms - is enough to make you wonder why anybody ever rated the Star Wars movies.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: It'd be perfect for that crossover Star Wars / Masterchef audience, but the other 99% of the audience would probably stay in and order a takeaway.
Waru
The Character: A blob-like being from another dimension governed by the anti-Force. (From the novel, The Crystal Star .)
Why So Stupid? Star Wars at its best worked by synthesising old movie genres: Westerns, war movies, samurai flicks... Waru, in contrast, is straight out of the big book of bad sci-fi. Yawn.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: He'd experience some anti-Force at the box office, too.
Mount Sorrow
The Character: A depressed sentient mountain on Endor, whose tears have the power to heal. (From the Ewoks comics.)
Why So Stupid? Somewhere at Star Wars HQ, there's a department dedicated to creating such outlandish concepts that even the Ewoks look good in comparison. They must have got a hell of a bonus that week.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: There'd be tears, but this sorrow would never heal.
Lumpy
The Character: Technically Lumpawaroo, the son of Chewbacca. As seen in the Star Wars Holiday Special .
Why So Stupid? Aside from foreshadowing Lucas' fondness for cute furry critters, Lumpy is notable for sitting around watching videos while Stormtroopers are on the prowl. Grow some Wookie balls.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: Lumpy by name...
Luuke Skywalker
The Character: Not a typo. The extra U refers to Luke's evil clone, grown from the hand Vader chopped off. (Seen in the novel The Last Command .)
Why So Stupid? First law of the Expanded Universe: eventually the universe will expand enough to encompass the biggest cliche in science fiction. All you need is a rogue limb floating about in Cloud City: it's so handy.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: He'd be so impressed by the prospect of being able to CGI Mark Hamill into having a lightsaber battle with himself, that the climactic duel would last half the film.
Ani Skywalker
The Character: Remember Darth Vader? One of the most fearsome villains in movie history? Well, that's who that little blonde-bobbed moppet will grow up to me.
Why So Stupid? The character arc is fine in principle, but this all-American, Disneyfied tyke kills the prequels' ambition even before the first, flatlining mention of midchlorians. The worst thing is that, following Haydn Christiansen's grumpy glowerer, this is probably Ani's pre-Vader high point.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: Sadly, he built an entire trilogy around him.
Jar Jar Binks
The Character: We hate to remind you, but he's the clumsy, floppy-eared Gungan rebel who somehow got elected to the Galactic Senate and inadvertently brought Palpatine to power.
Why So Stupid? How long have you got? Aside from the grating personality, the infantile humour, the stereotyped, borderline-racist patois and the cartoonish CG appearance, there's the fact Binks is yet Star Wars failure to bear more than a passing resemblance to a rabbit.
If George Decided To Make Him A Movie: There would be rioting in the streets.
