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Stealth
Why developers thought it would rock:
Stealth games provide a new spin on the same ol’ run-and-gun gameplay by neutering your balls-out slaughterthons and replacing with suspenseful stalking. Take a super spy, add loads of murderizing weapons and James Bond-esque ultragadgets, and then drop your solider in a dank environment. Poof! Your typical action-shooter becomes a stealthy puzzler.
Why it sucks:
Here are some kick-ass weapons - now don’t use them. Why dangle the carrot of advanced military tech if your main goal is to lurk around corners? With an explicit desire to remain hidden, a four-hour game increases to twenty.
Also, like bullet time, stealth gameplay renders you almost completely helpless against impervious enemies, which is great if you’re looking for grown-up hide and seek. The most offending games throw stealth bits into an action game to “break the flow,” yet usually frustrate gamers by taking away their arsenal. We’re looking at you Getaway: Black Monday or GTA: San Andreas.
Let’s not forget that “boring” doesn’t even begin to describe creeping down a hallway. Check out that flickering lightbulb; isn’t that suspenseful? How about that faint heartbeat sound or the deranged dialogue from your pursuers? It’s almost like the game’s ambience is having more fun than we are.
Minigames
Why developers thought they would rock:
The minigame is a distraction nestled within a larger game in the hope that you won’t be bored by repetitive gameplay. Sure, as the countless grinding in your favorite RPG reaches the 80-hour mark, we’d be thrilled for a snowboard race or a grueling round of Blitzball.
Why they suck:
These integrated minigames proved to be popular enough to worm their way into almost every major game release since their inception. For every training camp simulation in Madden, you get Pipe Dream hacking bonanzas in BioShock. Have we really become so desensitized to normal gameplay that we need constant stimulation away from our constant stimulation?
Apparently. Enter minigame collections and their gaming experiences pared down to ADD-level bursts of excitement. “Casual” games now exist as a collection of life-wasters meant to demonstrate how smart you are or how fast you can pour mustard on a hot dog. If Grandma wants to play games, she should crack her arthritis-mitts over a controller and learn how to say “fag” over Xbox Live like the rest of us.
