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Friedberg and Seltzer Suck
Vampires Suck is out this today! Woo-hoo! It's been a long, testing wait, but finally, after two long years, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are back!
But where else is there to go? They've tackled nearly every genre- scary, epic, Spartans...
What else is there for these masters of mirth to sink their teeth into? Dare to dream.
Arthouse
Plot: Carmen Electra stars as Pee Dolly, whose meth-cooking father (played by Fred Willard, who really should know better) is on the run as a fugitive. With the help of a pot-smoking Frank the rabbit and El Topo, who wears a bra and gets hit in the crotch a lot, Pee goes looking for him inside the head of a man who looks a bit like John Malkovich. They eventually discover him masturbating in front of the Three Colours Trilogy: Red (obviously).
LMAOROFL scene: At one point the Malkovich lookalike says a line from Con Air. Three people in the audience smile because they got the reference.
Film Noir
Plot: A man who looks and sounds nothing like Humphrey Bogart, but was prepared to be vomited on by a cat, plays Dick Blaine, who goes on a quest with Harry Lemon (Ha!) and Carmen Electra, to find The Blue Brahlia. No effort is made to make this look anything like a film noir. But a cat vomits. Twice.
LMAOROFL moment: Optimus Prime gets an erection. This has nothing to do with film noir.
Woody Allen
Plot: Crispin Glover plays Pretzel, a neurotic, Jewish, New York intellectual, who must go on a quest (because a quest element seems to be the only way of adding some sense of cohesion to this dross), along with Annie, a bikini-clad bimbo with a lolly in her mouth (played by Carmen Electra), and, for some reason, a number of the minions from Despicable Me, to prevent a Wagner concert from taking place in Madison Sq. Gardens. Manages to out-crap Cassandra's Dream. No, really.
LMAOROFL scene: Pretzel ends up on a small Latin American island. Annie does something lewd with a banana. See what they did there?
Silent Film
Plot: A man who Friedberg and Seltzer found doing a Chaplin impression outside Mann's Chinese Theatre plays Chaplin, who, along with a Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd impressionist, goes on a quest to find sound
Pointless cameo: Carmen Electra plays Maria, the robot from Metropolis. She has sex with R2-D2, who's played by Tony Cox. He says 'Aw, hell no...'
LMAOROFL moment: Nosferatu farts. But it's silent. So no one knows.
The Coen Brothers
Plot: Essentially a spoof of The Big Lebowski, widely regarded as one of the greatest comedies of all time, this centres on The Dood, played by the cheapest man with a beard that Friedberg and Seltzer could find, who arranges to have his wife kidnapped by the Hulk. Why? We don't know.
LMAOROFL scene: In one hysterical sequence, the Dood mistakes a semen sample for a White Russian. Oh no he di'nt!
Sci-fi
Plot: An astronaut, played by an ex-soap star who's hit rock bottom (Daniella Westbrook?), lands on a planet populated by apes. That breakdance.
LMAOROFL scene: In a rare moment of genuine creativity, the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey, meet the apes from PotA. Then challenge them to a breakdancing competition.
Sci-fi
Plot: An astronaut, played by an ex-soap star who's hit rock bottom (Daniella Westbrook?), lands on a planet populated by apes. That breakdance.
LMAOROFL scene: In a rare moment of genuine creativity, the apes from 2001: A Space Odyssey, meet the apes from PotA. Then challenge them to a breakdancing competition.
David Lynch
Plot: This manages the near impossible feat of being more incomprehensible than Inland Empire. A woman who looks a bit Laura Dern, turns out to actually be someone who looks a bit like Kyle MacLachlan. They go on a quest to find the highway. Because it's lost. Heh.
Pointless cameo: A confused Grace Zabriskie slips in shit in a scene that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. This may not be a spoof...
LMAOROFL scene: Henry Spencer's hair is large. Like a willy. One audience member laughs, but only because he's tired of crying.
David Lynch
Plot: This manages the near impossible feat of being more incomprehensible than Inland Empire. A woman who looks a bit Laura Dern, turns out to actually be someone who looks a bit like Kyle MacLachlan. They go on a quest to find the highway. Because it's lost. Heh.
Pointless cameo: A confused Grace Zabriskie slips in shit in a scene that has absolutely nothing to do with anything. This may not be a spoof...
LMAOROFL scene: Henry Spencer's hair is large. Like a willy. One audience member laughs, but only because he's tired of crying.
World Cinema
Plot: A sweet young lady called Spamelie, who's in a fat suit for no apparent reason, decides she's going to help people. In order to do so she must go on a quest (sigh) with a young Bengali, Apu Roy, who says 'Thank you, come again', about once every five minutes, and Lieutenant Werner, who, it is heavily suggested, once had sex with a submarine. What the quest is for, nobody knows, because the film was written in an afternoon and went into production the next day.
LMAOROFL scene: There isn't one. Even the idiots who usually lap this shit up vow never to watch an American film again.
