Citizen Zane

Just as The Expendables assembled the greatest action cast ever, so Machete Kills is assembling the craziest.

Lindsay Lohan may have been jettisoned, but just when you thought it was safe to start insuring a movie, Charlie Sheen joins it as the US President, a decision best described (for want of a better defunct catchphrase) as “Winning!”

With Mel Gibson on board as the drug-lord villain, here’s hoping the next call is to Gary Busey. “Hi Gary! You still crazy?” Busey: (wearing a unitard and covered in jam) “Lobster, lobster, gibble!” “Great! You’re hired!”

Alan Partridge is getting his own movie .

I’ll understand if you’re not totally excited. Sure, there’s been a handful of bad Brit comedies over the years, but this could be the new Shaun Of The Dead . Or yes, the new Lesbian Vampire Killers , Guest House Paradiso , Magicians , Fat Slags , Three And Out , Sex Lives Of The Potato Men or Carry On Columbus .

Still, the way Partridge parodies a format – whether TV or radio – means a film version could be something special. Or the new Kevin And Perry Go Large, Mad Cows or St. Trinian’s ... Or Bean . Or Blackball .

Dear Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver...

Great that you’re working on the script for Jurassic Park 4 . As a big fan of Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes I’m particularly excited.

While I don’t mean to interfere with how you guys go about writing a film, I do have a tiny request, DON’T YOU DARE PUT A KID IN THIS ONE.

I do not want to see another Velociraptor get taken down by someone’s spawn hiding in a kitchen unit, doing some sodding gymnastics, or whatever that Stig-Of-The-Dump looking one in part three did.

Yours, Alex. P.S. Andy Serkis to mocap a Triceratops.

As the saying goes, “You can’t keep a good plastic robot down!” or something like that.

So Transformers 4: Assignment Miami Beach (working title) is heading our way. After pretending he wasn’t going to direct it for about seven minutes, Michael Bay has revealed that more of the film will be set in space and that he plans to shave $30m off the budget.

That shouldn’t be too hard as none of the original cast are returning, probably because they’re tired of having Bay setting off squibs in their faces while screaming: “Look at this Bay-eautiful Bayhem I’ve crea-Bay-ted!”

Deep Rising was brilliant, The Mummy was good, and then Stephen Sommers’ love affair with CGI got heavy.

He got needy to the point that CGI was telling him to back off or it’d call the police. Van Helsing was a mess, so for once a reboot is welcome.

And as for Tom Cruise as the vamp slayer? I’ll take that. Having proved his vocal ability in Rock Of Ages , let’s have a musical version: Van Hel-SINGS! “Those creatures of the night will get such a fright, when I’m a–hunting!”