Loki - Avengers Assemble
Upside: Loki's a right old charmer when he's in the mood. One quick flash of that Hiddlegrin and the audience would be on their feet in rapturous applause.
Downside: Though there'd be a small chance that at least some members of that audience will have been brainwashed into doing his evil bidding.
Sample Speech: "Is this not simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave award ceremonies. The bright lure of a golden statue, a mad scramble for acknowledgment. And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress goes to…"
(Oh, and if you're getting into the Oscars spirit, why not watch the Total Film team's winners predictions right here (opens in new tab) or below- do you agree?)
David - Prometheus
Upside: He would be incredibly professional. Also, as he's modeled himself on Lawrence Of Arabia, he'd bring a touch of old-school Hollywood class to proceedings.
Downside: He may well try to poison the winners, for reasons that aren't entirely clear.
Sample Speech: "I can do almost anything that could possibly be asked of me. I can assist your employees. I can make your organisation more efficient. I can carry out directives that my future counterparts might find distressing or unethical. I can blend in with your workforce effortlessly. I can present the award for Best Costume design."
Freddie Quell & Lancaster Dodd - The Master
Upside: One's thing for sure, it'll be a memorable ceremony. It will feature profound beauty, existential debate, and a lone man humping a sandcastle.
Downside: Not everyone will enjoy it.
Sample Speech: "And the Best Supporting Actor Oscar goes to… PIG FUCK… Christoph Waltz."
Thor - Thor
Upside: He's the God of Thunder, so if the power fails (Super Bowl style) he could summon enough electricity to keep the lights on.
Downside: We're not sure if he'd have enough respect for the show to stay there for the whole thing, so someone might have to cover towards the end.
Sample Speech: "This acceptance speech, I like it. Another!"
Richard Parker - Life Of Pi
Upside: He definitely wouldn't play favourites, winners and losers would be treated completely equally.
Downside: He may well try to eat everyone. And yet, we'll still be sad to see him go.
Sample Speech: "Bawr! Bawr!"
Gollum - The Hobbit
Upside: He completely understands the average Oscar attendee's all-encompassing craving to possess a gold object.
Downside: He'll probably attempt to melt the trophies down into a series of cylindrical objects.
Sample Speech: "Just a quick warning for the losers in this category, and I really am terribly sorry to have to tell you this, but if you don't win, I gets to eats you. I gets to eats you whole. Again, I really am sorry about that. Anyway, on to the result."
Wreck-It Ralph - Wreck-It Ralph
Upside: He'd appreciate the chance to be one of the good guys for once, and he'd enjoy the very basic nature of award shows - you complete a task, you get a shiny prize.
Downside: He'll keep the trophy. Also, he might smash up the podium.
Sample Speech: (after watching a clip from Django Unchained): "When did movies get so violent and scary?"
Magic Mike - Magic Mike
Upside: He really knows how to put on a show.
Downside: He might keep bringing a load of mates onto the stage. Also, he'd probably show his penis.
Sample Speech: "We keep getting complaints about noise and underage drinking. Everybody sit down, we're gonna be here for a while! You don't have anything sharp on you that I can stick myself with, do you? Good. Because I do! (pulls out Oscar, everyone screams)."
Ted - Ted
Upside: Ted is hilarious.
Downside: Ted is hilarious partly because he's so ridiculously offensive. Mark our words, the Academy would never let anyone even remotely similar to Ted present their awards ceremony. Not a chance. No way. Never. No. It will literally never happen. What?
Sample Speech: "I went to see Argo with a couple of girls, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they were hookers. So it was fine."
Spock - Star Trek
Upside: He would look damn cool in a suit. Also, if anyone overruns on their speech, he could bust out a Vulcan nerve pinch.
Downside: His sense of humour is dry at the best of times, so don't go expecting him to have them rolling in the aisles.
Sample Speech: "Awards are highly illogical, captain. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor goes to…"
Bane - The Dark Knight Rises
Upside: If there's one thing Bane loves, it's giving a speech.
Even though at least 80% of what he says is borderline ineligible.
Downside: He's probably planted a bomb somewhere in the auditorium.
But don't worry, it won't go off for at least another six months, it'll be fine.
Sample Speech: "Welcome to the 85th Academy Awards, where I learned the truth about despair, as will you.
There's a reason why this event is the worst hell on earth... Hope. Every man who has ventured here over the centuries has looked up to the light and imagined climbing to the podium. So easy... So simple... And like shipwrecked men turning to sea water from uncontrollable thirst, many have died trying.
I learned here that there can be no true despair without hope. So, as I terrorise Hollywood, I will feed its creative industry hope to poison their souls.
I will let them believe they can win stuff so that you can watch them clamoring over each other to thank their agents.
You can watch me torture an entire industry, and when you have truly understood the depth of your failure, we will fulfill Ra's al Ghul's destiny... We will destroy Hollywood and then, when it is done and Harvey Weinstein's cigar is ashes, then you have my permission to do television."
Gypsy Danger - Pacific Rim
Upside: If any kaiju decide to crash the party, Guillermo del Toro's massive Pacific Rim robot should provide adequate security. Should also be able to handle Harvey Weinstein.
Downside: Both of the pilots need to stay sober. If even one of them gets drunk, then we could have some celebrity casualties on our hands.
Sample Speech : "You're my best mate George Clooney, come here for a hug. Go on, I love you. Why are you screaming? Oops. I think I just trod on Angelina Jolie."
Forrest Bondurant - Lawless
Upside: He'll bring his own booze. And it will be amazing booze.
Downside: The ceremony will take twice as long, because it will be punctuated with long silences and awkward mumbles.
Sample Speech : "S'alright, yew folks just gawn an' sit right thar, whirl I, ah, read, that thar Best, hrmph, Picture, um. *coughs*."
Tony Stark - Iron Man
Upside: He'll be the definitive Oscar host. He's charming, witty, looks good in a (metal) suit…
Downside: No-one will ever be able to follow him. He'll be like the Billy Crystal of the Oscars. So, Billy Crystal, then. Also, he might explode stuff.
Sample Speech: (to co-presenter James Franco): "You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?"
Alien - Spring Breakers
Upside: He might bring his friends with him.
Downside: He might also bring his guns. He's very, um, fond of his guns.
Sample Speech : "It's the Academy Awards, bitches!"
Upside: It'll be the most well behaved Oscar audience in Academy history.
Downside: There will be at least seven fatalities. Possibly eight.
Sample Speech: "Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout 'Save us!'… and I'll whisper 'no.' Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mel Gibson."
Dory - Finding Nemo
Upside: She's so bloody likable, she'll have the audience in the palm of her fin within seconds.
Downside: There's a very small chance she'll forget her lines. But it's, like, minuscule. Sorry, what were we talking about?
Sample Speech: "Hello! And welcome to the… Hello! Oooh, look at all the pretty people. Hello!"
Annie & Helen - Bridesmaids
Upside: You'd only need one microphone, these two really are excellent at sharing.
Downside: Annie can get a touch competitive, so the Best Actress category could get a bit awkward.
Sample Speech: Helen: (Crying after the In Memoriam montage has played) "Why are you smiling?"
Annie: "It's just... it's the first time I've ever seen you look ugly... and that makes me kind of happy."
Regan - The Exorcist
Upside: The Golden Globes increased their viewing figures when they hired Ricky Gervais as host two years in a row, with his myth-puncturing presenting style causing controversy and headlines around the world. Time to give someone else who isn't particularly bothered about visiting heaven a go.
Downside: There's a chance Regan might go a couple of steps too far.
Sample Speech: “And thank you to God. For making me an atheist. Also, your mother sucks… Oh, actually, I've been told I can't say that. Cocks in hell.”
Upside: The ceremony won't last as long as it usually does. People often complain that it takes too long to hand out the awards, hiring Godzilla to host will solve that problem.
Downside: Because everyone will be dead.
Sample Speech: *BOOM* *BOOM* *BOOM* "EEEEEARGH!!!" *BOOM* *BOOM* *BOOM*