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The Top 7… sexy horses every stud should ride

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It’s not easy being a horse, especially a diabetic horse who loves sugar cubes and games. As a proud member of the Equidae family, I don’t give a damn about the new protagonist in Assassin’s Creed II or the stupid non-animal flying device he’ll pilot. I just want to know if Ezio will be riding a freaking horse through the Tuscan countryside. Will he get to mount a Salerno, or perhaps a San Fratello? Even though it wouldn’t be historically accurate, I’ve always been a big fan of the American Saddlebred; their chiseled bone structure and high-stepping gait makes them hard to resist. That would be nice. But I digress.

You see, I’ve been brought here to add some horse-cred to the mostly hoof-less (and quite frankly, boring) editorial content here at GamesRadar. So today, we’re here to admire the fine form of gaming’s greatest mounts, the tireless equines that carried helpless protagonists across rivers, through caves, and over mountains.


7) Epona

The games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, The Minish Cap, Twilight Princess
The rider: Some human boy dressed in green

Epona was born and raised at the Lon Lon Ranch. The bashful filly was originally destined for a lifetime of servitude between the cold unloving thighs of Ganondorf. I hate seeing good girls lowering themselves before unworthy riders. Luckily for Epona, some kind kid with a sword freed her from a cruel future with this unsightly villain.

Can you hear the soft clip-clop of happy hooves prancing through the verdant plains of Hyrule? That’s Epona, giving a free ride to the luckiest boy in the world.


Above: Epona’s silver mane and golden haunches are pleasing to the eye. But it’s her gentle nature that will win over your heart 


Above: Happiness is petting Epona 

Know your horse: Epona was named after a Celtic goddess who protected horses, donkeys, and mules. She reappears in Majora’s Mask and rides through even more battles in Twilight Princess. Astute fans will remember Epona’s cameo in The Minish Cap, where she can be seen towing a cart of Lon Lon milk for Malon, her greedy capitalist oppressor.


Above: We change our mind. When it comes to riding, this human boy in green doesn’t know shit about crap


6) Acherus Deathcharger

The game: World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King
The rider: Some Death Knight

Why do good stallions always fall so hard for evil mares? Maybe it’s a way for us to buck against the reigns of our conservative sires, to rebel against our agrarian roots. Or maybe mares just look incredibly hot when wrapped in a naughty coat of armor that has “I’m a bad girl,” written all over it. Either way, the Acherus Deathcharger isn’t the sort of gal you’d bring home to meet your parents. But that’s what makes riding her so exciting.


Above: Thanks to their undead background, Deathchargers get along great with boney non-ponies, like this skinny Blood Elf 


Above: Deathchargers can always bear the weight of fully armored tanks 

Know your horse: This is a very fast mount. It will increase your movement speed by no less than 100% and is exclusive to Death Knights. In order to earn this sweet ride, you’ll need to complete the quest called “Into the Realm of Shadows.” Just talk to Salanar the Horseman in the Scarlet Enclave.

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Buttercup

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141 comments

  • sgloomy - July 6, 2009 9:28 p.m.

    I really like the one from assassin's creed and i really don't like hhow you found a picture to make a horse look gay. oh, and first (this is my second time)
  • Samael - July 6, 2009 9:34 p.m.

    You guys have officially run out of Top 7 ideas.
  • Amnesiac - July 6, 2009 9:38 p.m.

    Wut.
  • Lastn1ght - July 6, 2009 9:47 p.m.

    sgloomy, don't be homophobic, okay? And second, wow, I never thought a horse could be so sexy.
  • cronoman66 - July 6, 2009 9:52 p.m.

    damn sexy horses, you've got me flustered
  • GamesRadarButtercup - July 6, 2009 10:13 p.m.

    Deadgirls; idonnt knoow what you are talkinggz abut/,. bbut i lovve youu tooo./ srrry foir ttypos/ itts mty hoocves
  • Mittenz - July 6, 2009 10:35 p.m.

    Horses grt to write articles, where is the love for cats? Mittenz the Kittenz demands equality!
  • garnsr - July 6, 2009 10:50 p.m.

    Isn't it Argo? And smashing through the crowds of people on horseback in Assassin's Creed was one of the few things that didn't get tiresome in that game.
  • RonnyLive19881 - July 6, 2009 10:54 p.m.

    Epona should have been sexiest but what ever... I hated Shadow of the Colossus but I did like the horse. I was hoping someone would shoot the damn thing in the end, watching it walk was terrible.
  • c1nd3rcell - July 6, 2009 11:10 p.m.

    How is it possible that so many people comment on this top 7?!?!?!
  • symphonicdeathpop - July 6, 2009 11:11 p.m.

    so random, yet so funny. great job Buttercup, you deserve some sugar cubes
  • iKOemos - July 6, 2009 11:13 p.m.

    How the hell do you type with hooves?
  • Obama69DoctorFunkenstein - July 6, 2009 11:16 p.m.

    Sorry Buttercup, you're typing isnt up to pace its time to put you down after years of sweet, sweet love but you'll have a welcome place as GamesRadarGlueFace but awesome article
  • Nin10DOH - July 6, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    how'd you get a horse to write a whole article? thats pretty skilled good article...buttercup
  • Sfetna20 - July 6, 2009 11:19 p.m.

    Did anyone else get the donkeypunch reference... that was pretty funny. If you don't know what it is, go to urbandictionary immediately.
  • GamesRadarButtercup - July 6, 2009 11:22 p.m.

    @ garnssr;: itts agro @ ssymmphoniccdeaathhpp: tthankss @ iiKOOmos; carfluly @ obbamaa69: nno glue joksz plaese
  • Chimpboy - July 6, 2009 11:37 p.m.

    All horse no donkey action what a swizz
  • crumbdunky - July 6, 2009 11:50 p.m.

    Buttercup! Your appetite is very fulsome, is it not? I fear you may get hairy hooves if you aren't careful or go blind, or worse! You do know that it's we humans and our desire for different mounts that provides you with your horny horsey pin ups don't you? There's an odd bloke in the next village who got in some serious trouble when caught, erm, pleasuring a stallion with similar yearnings to yourself and I often wondered why he did it-now I realise that it's pushy perv horses like yourself getting folk that want to care for their loyal mounts to provide them with far more than is strictly needed. You're a sick pony, sick.
  • TURbo - July 7, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    A trend of fictional characters with top 7? Get that horse on the podcast to discuss the article. Don't tell me you put it down.
  • phoenix_wings - July 7, 2009 12:13 a.m.

    I knew something was up when we already had the porn article.... Recaptcha: Bethge trotta....hehe

Showing 1-20 of 141 comments

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