During a recent interview, Mark Wahlberg confirmed he’s going to star as Nathan Drake in the movie version of Uncharted. A geek tragedy on the scale of Bill Shatner dying from a small fall in Star Trek: Generations, the news sent the interwebs into impotent fury. Honestly, we don’t know what everyone’s moaning about. It's not as if Marky Mark doesn't have experience of starring in video game movies. Hello, Max Payne? He’s also an Oscar-nominated actor. So here are five (almost completely tongue-in-cheek free) reasons why the lord of the Funky Bunch will make an ace Nate.
In the games, Nate loves a bit of light swearing. A little ‘shit’ here, a naughty ‘bastard’ there. Now, add Marky Mark in full on Departed mode to this already potty-mouthed mix, and we can see big screen Drake calling pirates ‘motherf*ckers’ as he pops a cap in their ‘shitting’ asses.
Above: No one tries to shoot Staff Sergeant Dignam without being told what's what
Well, he fought fake-ass looking monkeys in Planet of the Apes. And Nate has fought a bunch of sun-deprived demon rejects from The Descent and feral yeti men. There’s definitely some sort of monster-murdering tenuous link in there, right? Thus proving the Mark to the Marky times two is the perfect choice for Uncharted’s lead role.
Above: Talking monkey men, cave-dwelling monsters; it's all the same
As most PS3 gamers who harbour a secret man-crush of the Drakester will attest, by far the best thing in both Uncharted games is when Nate dunks himself in some H20. By Victor Sullivan’s full manly moustache; we love a bit of wet shirted Drake. Geez, this has gone a tad dark, hasn’t it? What we meant to say is, Nathan is an adept swimmer. Wahlberg is pretty experienced in this regard, too, thanks to his experiences working on the Perfect Storm… eh, except he kinda drowned in that.
Above: We hear Mark has a badass butterfly stroke
Hey, you never know. The producers might decide to take the Uncharted movie into the 'hero’s a useless, fat tool’ waters. If they do, there’s no better actor we can think of to play a bumbling 20 stone goliath than the man who likes to get his funk on in Calvin Kline undercrackers.
Above: Eh, something you want to tell us, fat Drake?
We've also got another reason why the movie will be amazing in general. Lest we forget Bobby DeNiro and Joe ‘I want to snap Macaulay Culkin’s adorable neck’ have also been attached to the project. They’re currently down to play Drake’s father and uncle, respectively. Screw the uncle. For us, we can’t envisage anyone more suited to playing one of Uncharted 2’s feral yeti imposters than the latter, tiny, stabby actor.
Nov 25, 2010
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