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Youre playing a lot more indie games these days
AAA gaming is dead. Well, until the new Man-Stabber game comes out in 1080p, and lets you play as Johnny Facebottler as an exclusive, unlockable character. Ex-clu-sive, yeah? Apart from that (And the new Call of Gun game. Oh, and Quest Taker 4: DragonKicker looks pretty awesome too. Damn, Footballgeddon looks sweet too. But thats it!) AAA is deader than a dodo in a Hawaiian shirt and flares.
Your new thing is indie. Indie games are superior to other games, and because you love them--even though sometimes you dont really understand them, and actually find them a bit boring (you certainly wouldnt pay money for them, but luckily most are free)--that makes you superior to other gamers. Have you played Potato Muse by SomeDude Games? Its an incredible existential journey through 1960s Paris. Shits all over Titanfall, buddy.
Youre currently feeling a vast wave of vindication
Well arent you a smart little mouse? All those consoles for sale, and you chose the one that is a) selling the best, and b) people are saying nice things about. You love the fact that your console runs games at 1080p, and you swear to all your buddies--the ones who own OTHER consoles--that their games looks like total shithouse compared to the ones on your wonderbox.
The people who charged you /$100s for your console of choice are making heaps of cash: and that delights you. In the past, when your favourite console wasnt selling that well, it was all about the quality of the games, not the number of people who bought them. Now youre always dropping phrases like units sold and attach rate into arguments with friends, citing them as hard facts about your choice of console as if they were etched by God himself onto bare fucking stone tablets.
Youve recently completely changed your attitude towards monthly subscriptions
Time was, only assholes paid for monthly subscriptions. Online play was freer than OJ Simpson attending a '60s-themed love in at a hippy commune in Glastonbury. Now, you understand that spending /$50 per year is VITAL to the maintenance of online play in Call of Gun 6: Revengegasm, after the makers of the game spent so long finely crafting the online system.
Yessir--free online play is now theft. Its the equivalent of dropping a deuce directly onto the Lead Multiplayer Designers second-hand Honda. Plus, you also get loads of free things every month. But thats beside the point, yeah. Its all about supporting the devs.
Your handheld is in a drawer, but you still believe that one day it will be great. Surely this year is the year
One of the best things about my new console, yeah, is that you can hook up your handheld device and use it as an ammo counter for Gun-User 3. Totally worth the /$300 I paid for it, a year ago. Yup, now that your powerful new console is safely installed underneath your 42 OLED TV, you can finally start using that portable console you bought last year.
Why? Reflected glory, my friend. Having a new console in your home automatically makes all your other products by that manufacturer 100% more awesome. You can use them as a second screen! Or as something else! YEAH! Who needs actual games, competitive pricing, decent branding, or clear marketing? This second-screen stuff is the future, bro!
Who needs mechs? Robot owls are better anyway
Even as you boisterously type the words Who needs mechs? Robot owls are better anyway into the comments field of a review of Titanfall, you hear the faint sound of a nagging voice inside your head. Even over the noise of keyboard keys being mashed with zealous fervour, that voice persists. Its saying something. Its asking But, are robot owls really better than mechs?
Then, as you hit send on your comment, you hear the voice again. Louder this time. You sit back and take a swig of Mountain Dew. Silence. A thought begins to form in your head, small at first but it grows rapidly, sprawling like Tetsuo at the end of Akira. Really? Robot owls? What the fuck were you thinking? Theyre awful. Pathetic. Theyre the worst bit about your favourite new game. Actually, now youre thinking. The whole game is crappy. You were fooled by the shiny graphics--you never really enjoyed a nanosecond of that game. Its TERRIBLE. Curse you, owls!
Youre a PlayStation fanboy
Hello there, proud owner of a PS3, PS4 or maybe even a PS Vita. You love yourself a bit of Sony. When Jack Tretton announced he was leaving the company this month, you probably wept openly into the arms of your confused co-workers. You bought Killzone: Shadow Fall and pretended to love it. You bought Knack and pretended you quite liked it. You are genuinely excited for inFamous Second Son, and may well name your as-yet-unborn child Delsin. Dont.
You look down on Nintendo fanboys--you think theyre overgrown man-babies. You hate Microsoft fanboys, prancing around with their Titanfalls and their awful Kinect thingies. You think the PC master race are a bunch of nerdy snobs. You dont really understand anyone who plays games on iOS. Until these games get ported to PSN...
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