Did you spot Satoru Iwata in this feature?
All of your favourite games involve cute animals and physics
Youve never seen a bald-headed space marine. You know not the ways of the armoured wielder of steel, nor the decades-honed skills of the stoic martial artist. Youve never fired a gun, or sliced a dragon, or summoned the very Chi energy coursing through your body into the form of weaponised fire. No, you much prefer to make birds fly over things. Or make birds fly through things. Or make birds fly into things. Or make sweets fly over, around and through things to feed a monster.
You like doing that. Birds are cute. And so are monsters. Making them do things with physics is fun. All you need to do is hold your thumb down. Youre like some kind of crazy, physics-bending thumb-wizard. God, games are fun. And cute.
Your gaming sessions last five minutes or five hours. There is no in between
An hour or two of gaming after work? Not for you. People might think youre softcore, but youre a gamer of extremes. A quick blast while waiting for a bus, or an entire, game-devouring day, thats how you roll. Those supposedly dedicated part-timers just dont get it. Youre in it for intensive bursts or utter marathons, and nothing else. Both provide a more vigourous challenge than the relaxed, short-term schedules those guys use. They just have no idea how badass your holding-your-thumb-down skills really are.
How did it end up this way? Youre not really sure. There just seems to be something about the games you play, You wouldnt say that theyre disposable, exactly. They really, really require all of your hard-trained skills in thumb-holding-down. Its just that if outside circumstances (like the arrival of the aforementioned bus) do stop you playing them, you seem to forget all about them, instantly. If you have an uninterrupted block of time though, youll be hypnotised, indefinitely. You wont even notice the passing of an entire day. Its almost like the games you play are built around the kind of never-changing repetition that prevents the human brain from processing a meaningful temporal narrative. Like your mind isnt really fully engaged. Like theres an absence of the usual workings of your mind. Like the games are in some way mindless.
You pay barely anything for your games, but somehow spend a lot on the pastime
90% of your games are free. So why the hell is your credit card bill always astronomical?
Sure, you throw the odd bit of cash into a game from time to time, just to speed things along. But you dont spend that often. And anyway, it would be impossible to blow the kind of money listed in your statement on a mere video game. The kind of business model that drove that sort of spending would require a really cynical kind of thinking, designed purely to prey on the weak-minded. And no-one would make games like that now, would they?
Gaming gives you all the deep, satisfying nourishment of eating popcorn
Some gamers talk about their games in terms of deep, challenging journeys of discovery and long-term, committed explorations of new worlds and new skills. But who wants that stuff, right? Sounds like a load of old hard work. Games are supposed to be fun.
The games you play arent so much five-course dinners as large snack-bags filled mainly with sugar and air. But thats fun. Thats what games are supposed to be about. Simple, undemanding diversions that imprint upon ones life in no meaningful way, positive or negative. Theyre just time-wasters. Theyre just fun. Fun, you know? Youre not missing out on anything. Youre not missing out on anything at all. Holding your thumb down is just fine. You have cute things. And, and physics And thumb-holding What more do you possibly need in life? Art? Adventure? Emotion? No, your games are just great. Really. No, really, they are.
You dont know what a mech is. Is it a kind of bird?
What are its physics like?
Can you control it with a thumb?
Youre a mobile gaming fanboy
You dont really know what games are. You only really heard about them four years ago. Youre pretty sure that theyre just a thing that people do when theyre bored, or have a spare five minutes, and you only play the things that the guys at work tell you theyre playing. They were right about that thing with the birds. You really enjoyed it. Or at least you think you did. You certainly played a lot of it, and thats the same thing, right?
You have never heard of any other format, and you do not know what a fanboy is, even though you sort-of are one. You are almost certainly not reading this, so we can say what we want about you, smelly-pants.
How did you do?
Still clicking through? Either you've fallen asleep on / died at your keyboard / smartphone, or you don't fit into any of the categories we listed here. Maybe you just wanted to read all the funny words (if so, we love you). Anyway, hope you enjoyed the feature and, as always, please leave your comments below. There's bound to be some fanboy arguments starting up real soon, so enjoy that, yeah?