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You currently feel like the weedy, bullied kid at school
Youre not quite sure what happened. You used to be the most respected kid in the playground. 8-bit and 16-bit were the glory days. Even the 32 sorry, 64-bit generation was a great time to be gaming, despite the hiccups. You missed out on a few things, but good Lord, were people still jealous of your exclusives. Things calmed down a bit after that. The following generation saw you take a more sedate back-seat in gamings grand chest-beating contest, but you were happy with the quiet stream of excellence you enjoyed over the long-term. History has vindicated that period for you.
But now? Its like the first day of primary school, and everyone hates you. You have not a friend in the world, and no-one looks to be coming forward. Youve got stuff to offer, you know you have. But the other kids have identified the weak member of the pack, collectively decided that he smells, and are now all too scared of getting cooties to risk even speaking to you. Everything you do is rubbish, before you even do it. No-one will give you a chance.
You calibrate every game by testing it out with 14 different controllers
Youre much luckier than the owners of other home console formats. You know that while those guys might get more games, each exclusive bestowed upon you is actually a whole bunch of games in one (and not just because of all the minigames). No, every major game on your machine gives you umpteen different possible controller set-ups, actually making it multiple completely different, completely meaningful, accessible, immersive experiences in one.
Do you use the normal controller? The one with the big screen in it? The wavey-stick? The wavey-stick with the flail-cable attached to it? Okay, so theres a 99% chance youll try them all before immediately going back to the normal controller, but youve got the options. Thats the important bit.
You have the highest percentage of great home console games, but no-one seems to care
The good-bad ratio of games on your current-gen console is off the chart. Actual fact. The reason for that? AAA development is lead and dominated by some of the brightest and best studios in the damn world. Seriously, you could buy almost any major release blind and know youre picking up something of serious worth.
Okay, so that high hit-rate might because there are only about four and a half games available for your home console, and the vast majority of them since launch have been published by the platform-holder (who just happens to be one of the best developers of the last 30 years). But thats not the point. Its quality, not quantity, that matters. Who cares if theres nothing to play from one November to the next? Those Novembers are just bloody brilliant.
You're always looking to a brighter future. Surely this year is the year
Its just been a slow start, thats all. This has happened before. Itll work out fine eventually. Hell, this always happens with a new console. They just take a bit of time to find their feet. Things are going to get better soon. This E3 will be the one. This summer, that will be when they being out the big guns. Because the big guns are coming. They have to be. Why else would the release schedule have been so quiet so far?
This June, everything will change. The big, as-yet unreleased franchises will come back (all three of them, meaning at least one big game a year for the next three years!). And all the third-party support will be revealed. Obviously its only looked to be lacking for the last 16 months because it takes a long time to develop innovative new exclusives for innovative new controller options. But at E3, your consoles line-up will absolutely kill it. Or maybe sooner than that. Surely theyll at least lay out plans for the great turnaround during the next direct webcast. Then again, you did say that about the last one. And the one before that. And the one before that. And the one before that. And the one before that. But youre not delusional. No, its everyone else whos crazy, not you.
One of your exclusives has mechs. The game is a mystery, but mechs, right?
Okay, so you still know nothing about the aptly-named X. And to the rest of the world it might look incredibly desperate that the one big game you have on the horizon not developed by the platform-holder (aside from Bayonetta 2, whenever the hell that's coming) is an obscure JRPG thats nigh-guaranteed to tank everywhere outside of Japan. But mechs, right?
That means youve got a big, proper, AAA game too, yeah? Youre just as good as the other guys. Theres no need to be jealous of their line-ups. Your machine is just as good as theirs you say as you force a twisted grin through the torrents of salty tears pouring down your red face. Fire up the handheld, look away from that disappointing box under your TV, and breathe. Itll all get better soon. Of course it will.
You're a... Nintendo fanboy
Its a tough life for the dedicated Nintendo follower. Sure, the 3DS is doing great, but that /$350 proper console you bought last year? Hmmm. You look upon Xbox and PlayStation owners with a mixture of jealousy and revulsion, incredulous at the vast number of games they enjoy, and how little those uncultured, gun-hungry boobs actually deserve them.
You see PC fanboys as the yin to your yang, loaded as they are with horsepower, deep, complex games released at an astonishing rate, and a decent online infrastructure. Youre also rather suspicious that that Oculus Rift thing is just a great big rip-off of the Virtual Boy. Why does Nintendo never get the credit it deserves? As for mobile gaming, screw those guys. Nintendo will never release its games on mobile, no matter how many times you ask!
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