What's your inner fanboy?

You don't care that you get games late. You get them better

Better late than never? Pah! Better late than NOT AWESOME, more like. Yes, your versions of the biggest and best AAA, monster games might arrive a little while after everyone else has already finished them, but have those poor, unfortunate souls really finished them? Have they even really played them? Have they basked in the majesty of better shadows, and the very anti-aliasing of Thor himself? No they have not.

Theyve merely played a half-finished, work-in-progress version of the final, real version of the game. The one that you get. They get preview code, you get the game as it was meant to be, packing all the glory, majesty and truth that only slightly improved graphics can furnish.

You paid more for your machine than any two other fanboys combined, but it does so much more

The Xbox One and PS4 currently come in at roughly /$300-/$400. Your gaming machine probably cost /$600-/$1000. But you know what? Worth it. Because what are Microsoft and Sony players getting for their cash? A box, capable of running games vaguely as well as you can, but whose days in the sun will only last until the autumn of their generation. Your technological Goliath though? It might have cost more, but that extra cash was a long-term investment in a powerful jump forward in a few years time (Okay, that jump will cost a bit more again, but lets not think about that right now).

And what else can those consoles do but play games? Browse the internet? Access Facebook and Twitter? Stream and broadcast video? Alright, so they can now (took them long enough), but you can do it with a keyboard and mouse. In consistently higher resolution. And you can quickly send e-mail and messages to people who are using any machine, not just the same one as you. And you can update your Flash player more easily. Cheap-ass Xbox and low-rent PlayStation. You get what you pay for, and youve paid for QUALITY.

Other gamers' bargains are your full-price indulgences

Whats that, PlayStation Kid? Youre all excited because the PS Store has finally discounted that slightly above average triple-A game from two years ago to the borderline-gift price of 20, for a whole week? You weak, deluded fool. Oh how laughable it is to see you eagerly queue up for a stout kick in the pants, believing like a giddy rube that youre actually getting a good deal.

Those committed to the One True Platform know that a sale such as that is a no more than a slap in the face. The Righteous ignored that very same game upon its (slightly delayed) launch for their machine, when it cost that very same 20 at full price. You waited, biding your time. You filled that time by cracking on with the growing bounty of other cheaply-bought, never-played games padding out your library, until the arrival of the next REAL SALE. At that point, as the PlayStation Kid joyfully throws away the money that The Wise Chosen previously refused to pay, the Fortunate Enlightened buy that same game for almost literally beans, before callously tossing it onto the pile, with all the other cheap, disposable detritus, ready to fill the waiting period until yet another sale, long, long into the future.

You approach a new game like a car tuner approaches an engine

Some people like to buy a game, load it up, have a quick skim of the options, and start playing. But wheres the fun in that? Wheres the personalisation? The satisfaction? The honourable reward that comes from knowing that youve paid tribute to the games developers by finishing off the creation process for them, making those final optimisation tweaks required to truly let their game sing? Those lazy, baby gamers make no effort, and thus they deserve nothing but the sub-par performance they get.

They dont understand the purity of that extra hour spent tweaking texture toggles and anti-aliasing sliders. They dont understand the tension and excitement of re-re-re-starting a map to see whether your insightful tinkering has upped the frame-rate or demolished it. They cant even comprehend the ultimate, glorious act of marching proudly out to the tech shop--like a goddamn warrior!--to bring back a new GPU and a bit of RAM, upon realising that the experience you choose to craft will require more than mere software noodling. Amateurs play what theyre given, wallowing in mediocrity and showing no true appreciation of the gift bestowed upon them. You however, are nothing short of a Professional Architect of Wonder.

You currently love mechs, but you wish they had better texture resolution

Seriously, theyre a bit grubby, arent they?

When you jump on top and start shooting their insides out, it looks like youre playing bloody Minecraft (which you got first, by the way).

You're a... PC fanboy

All are weak but you. None other is as dedicated, stoic, wise and powerful. Every other mortal man is but child next to your monolithic countenance. Your terrible tower of steel and lightning holds all in its thrall. Just look at those pixel shaders. Just bloody look at them.

You have no respect for Microsoft or Sony fanboys. Theyre mere bumbling babies, thinking themselves gamers, but in reality no more than infants waving low-res rattles. Nintendo fans, you have more sympathy with. Their games often at least try to innovate, such as one can within the staunch confines of a console. And they never even pretend that their formats match up to yours technically. Mobile gaming, you see as gods look upon ants. Unless its iOS gamers. Those guys, and Apple alongside them, must be stamped out like the blight-scourge that they are.

Not you? Click on...