You understand the importance of establishing a strong console launch with Peggle
The other thing about Peggle, you tell a friend, who long ago lost interest in what you were saying, and is now praying for death is that Peggle is pure gaming. Its not casual: its pure. Theres a difference, yeah? As your friend looks for a secure light-fitting to prep the noose, you continue to talk about how your console maker of choice has embraced gaming at all ends of the spectrum--the big and the small--to cater to a wide audience.
Your friend is tugging on the rope to test its tensile strength, but you dont stop talking about Peggle. Its just so addictive, and--in your mind--it completely justifies the /$500 youve so far spent on a console that isnt quite as good as another console. And, as your friend swings from the rafters, you conclude that no-one really pays any attention to the quality of launch games anyway. Its all about the long-term investment, right? Hey are you even goddam listening anymore?
The more people who know your personal details, the better
The way you see it, the more data a company holds on you, the better they can tailor gaming experiences to your specific taste. Buy Spanky Cola. Doesnt matter that you get asked a million or so questions when you turn on your console for the first time--that just makes it more secure. Buy Spanky Cola. When piracy is crippling all your friends' consoles, youll have the security checks and measures to push through the villains. Buy Spanky Cola. Why? Because your console knows that its you.
And you trust your console. Buy Spanky Cola. After all, its just a (relatively) little box sat underneath your TV. Sure the camera kind of freaks you out, and you sometimes think you can hear it scuttling around your kitchen, looking for utility bills in your bins, but its just a console. Buy Spanky Cola. What else would it be using all that information for?
Youre watching a lot more TV these days
Games are boring. Not what they used to be. Meanwhile, TV is awesome. Theres Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, True Detective, and loads of NFL games to watch. Youve only got a finite amount of time since you moved in with the other half, and--although you have a nagging sense that life is passing you by at an alarming rate--you both just have to know what happens in season 5 of Californication.
Plus, you know, your console is all fancy because its a multimedia entertainment device. Only chumps refer to it as a console. Yours can do so much more than play those boring games that other people are playing. Its got Netflix, Amazon Instant, and you can watch regular TV on it. Yessir--your multimedia entertainment device is quite the bargain.
You love the design of your console. Youve missed the 80s
Heres a hard, hard fact for you haters: the bigger a console is, the more stuff you can fit in it. Thats undisputable. And the more stuff you put into a piece of tech, the more powerful it is. Thats why, secretly, you wish the console you bought was actually a little bigger. Sure, you had to buy a whole new cabinet to fit it under the TV, and your friends say it looks like a Betamax player from the '80s, but you dont care. Its big, its powerful.
Whats even better is that the motion-sensing device that comes with it is also enormous. It must be FULL of power. Plus, and this is the best bit--it looks like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, which you own on Betamax. Now, where does the cassette fit into this machine, dude?
You currently love mechs. Theyre the most next-gen thing ever
Whats more awesome than a giant mech? An owl? Jog on buddy! Mechs are basically the most next-gen thing ever. Theyre like robots, only bigger and more powerful. Basically, the new generation of consoles only starts when the massive, hulking mechs arrive.
Doesnt matter that mechs have existed for years--they were just pretenders; blocky sprites clogging up kitsch, old action games. They were slow and boring, tedious machines for tedious people who probably spot trains at the weekend, and eat natural yoghurt. New mechs are cool and modern and totally fucking next-gen. MEEEEEECHS!
You're an... Xbox fanboy
High-five, Xbox One owner. Youve had a crappy 12 months, with everyone mocking your console of choice. Didnt help that Microsoft flim-flammed on their Xbox policies, created a console that looks like a tired Betamax from the '80s, and produced a launch line-up weaker than most American beer. Thats all forgotten now, though, because youre playing Titanfall, while all your buddies with PS4s whine about how they wish it was on their console. Well it isnt, so suck it up PS4 owners.
As an Xbox fanboy you hate Sony fans with their fancy, great value PS Plus, and well designed console. You think Nintendo players are the nerds you used to see at school, rolling 20-sided dice: basically, theyre not your people. Although you dislike the PC master race, you feel a strange affinity with them (maybe its the fact that you can bond over using the same controller). You dont really understand anyone who plays games on iOS.
Not you? Click on...
