Top 7... Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of

1. Tails, Sonic series - (AKA “Miles Prower,” “Bad Pun,” or “Sonic’s Number One Bitch”)

What began as "oh cool, Sonic has a friend" morphed into the first of many terrible, terrible sidekicks that choked the life out the franchise. He started as a quiet pal who had no purpose in Sonic 2, then a helpful ally in Sonic 3, and shortly after that he gained the "tech nerd" status and started talking about quantum fluctuations and portals to other dimensions. Seriously, go look up some of his dialogue in Sonic Rush, Rivals or any of the other 50-gajillion games, stare us in the eye and say you don't want to smack him upside the head.

Now before the Tails Sky Patrol descends upon GamesRadar, wailing and whining about us casually talking about brutalizing one of their favorite fan-fiction subjects, realize that most of us who say we love this guy actually only love Sonic 2 Tails. The one that didn't talk, the one that was cute without being a nuisance. The one today, the one from the past 10 years, is an annoying piece of shit that should keep his mouth shut and disappear into the depths of hell where he and all the other Sonic pals spawned.

How we'd do it:
Fire up one of his fabulous contraptions that he won't shut up about and drive it all over his stupid face. We don't condone peeling out wildlife, especially the cunning fox, but this two-tailed mutant mastermind of machinery must be murdered. Mwa ha ha!

That's it for Top 7 this week, kids. Check out ourTop 7 Compendiumfor more in the way of itemized lists.

Apr 21, 2008