Top 7... Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of

3. Jake, Advance Wars: Dual Strike / DS - (AKA “Peppy Youth,” “1337 Speak Guy,” or “That Annoying Bastard”)

Not only is there no point to this character’s existence besides a marginally cool theme song that warrants attention onYouTube; he’s also an insult to all that is Geek. Thanks to the cutesy art style of Advance Wars, Jake’s “peppy youth on the who inspires hope within the grim meat hook reality of war,” is redundant and totally ineffective because he's not that cute. And tacking on his quasi-1337 speak (“You got owned!”) is insult to injury and more than enough incentive to dream of driving a hammer into his skull as many times as it takes to make him somehow not annoying.

How we’d do it:
Beat him with a copy of the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language until the little prick learns to talk right.