Top 7... Cutesy Characters We Want to Beat the Crap Out of

6. Professor Kawashima, Brain Age / DS - (AKA, “Dr. Kawashima,” “Brain Age Dude,” and “Bespectacled Man Who Laughs At You”)

For a game that gruelingly tests our patience and our IQ, we need something cute and endearing to keep our spirits up and salve our wounded egos when we score about 12 years below where our brain actually is. What we get instead is a patronizing, passive-aggressive twat that not only makes us feel bad about ourselves for being dumb--er, not “smart,” but he also makes us feel bad for resenting himbecause he’s based on the real life Professor Ryuta Kawashima, who’s really an okay guy. Why can’t his avatar live up to the image?

One of our interns said it best: “So you want to play Sudoku? Okay. Hey, first why not draw a fire hydrant? Just do it. How's that look compared to this example? Not so good huh? Oh well. I'll save it anyway. Want to go to Sudoku now? Did I mention you haven't visited in awhile? I did? It’s pretty early today, thus making my glasses foggy so I might have missed that. Hmm? Oh right Sudoku. Okay. Hey, do you want to know when you choose the wrong number? Well, alright. Anyway, see ya soon, have fun with Sudoku!”

How we’d do it:
Take his glasses and break them. Pick his nose with a pickaxe. And then give him a trashy Britney Spears makeover complete with shaven head. Who looks stupid now? Jackass.