Love is in the air, like a thousand tiny spores
Ah, Valentines Day. Where would true love be without an annual directive aimed at enforcing sweet, saccharine sentiment, whether the sickeningly, mutually smug targets can even be bothered getting involved or not? "I hate my significant other, but I'll be damned if I'm the one to break with tradition, even if that means engaging in a mutually destructive arms race to see who can gift the most useless tat. Can't I just put on a sultry Spanish accent and lounge around naked like last year? Surely that's treat enough?"
No you may not dear reader, no you may not. Thankfully for us real world types, video game creations are just as hopelessly screwed as we are. So desperate are they to not be run out of town on the nearest available railroad, like the rest of the stinking singletons - thereafter to be mulched into some sort of nutritious paste - that they must engage in all sorts of humiliating escapades in order to comply with calendar-sanctioned amour. Things like awful love letters and embarrassing romantic verse. So come along won't you, as we take a whistlestop tour of video gaming's greats, pouring out their hearts in the form of deliciously twisted poetry. Begin!
Metal Gear Solid - A sonnet from Snake
How solid was my snake,
When first I gazed upon thee.
A beguiling Russian fake,
I'd spotted from a tree.
Tatyana was her name,
Or so she alleged.
A nonsensical claim,
But to me she was pledged.
A chest-bearing temptress,
Known far and wide.
As a golden-haired goddess
Who knew how to ride.
A motorcycle, that is you filthy old troll,
Eva my love you completed my soul.
Half-Life 2 - Freemanhood
Oh my dear Alyx,
I wish I could speak.
Without blurting out nonsense
In shrill girlish squeak.
Better yet to be quiet,
And gaze from afar.
Than to say something brainless
Just like your dear sweet old Pa. Sorry, too soon?
It's been seven odd years.
I'd have thought that by now
You'd have run out of tears.
And so here I stand, in customary silence,
To channel my rage through man-on-bug violence.
God of War - God's gift
Attention wenches,
And listen up ladies.
The fates have foretold,
And I'm hotter than Hades.
Ask Aphrodite,
She'll say I'm a gent.
My love lasts longer
Than a quick-time event.
Stronger, faster,
More macho than Conan.
This Spartan ghost
Aint wearin' no Trojan.
Love is a battlefield, so I'm callin' a truce,
Craving your lovin and calling out ZEUUUUUUS!!!!!
Hitman - Heartache for Hitman
What kind of hitman
Can't hit on men?
I gatecrash the parties
And dress up like them.
But when it comes
Right down to the kill.
I flush up and babble,
And claim that I'm ill.
Barcode me a coward
And brand me a fake.
I'd have to brandish a bat,
Just to land me a date.
They sit and they mock me with every last breath.
They'd soon as buy me a drink as fake their own death.
Grand Theft Auto 5 - Shall i compare thee to a GTA?
The nombre's Trevor,
And you'll think I'm a hick
For beating up bikers,
And tugging my dick
ensian trailer all through the state.
You think it's a dump,
but I think it's great.
Sinful and stinking,
I'm all outta class,
For shooting up troopers
An' hiding drugs in my ass
tronomer's scope,
theyll never check there.
Dreamin of love and a full head of hair.
So wadda ya say?
Let's hook up at once.
Don't ask my friends,
Or they'll say I'm a nonse
nsical dreamer
With my head in the clouds.
Take you up to the mountains, and away from the crowds
Excuse me now, dolls, I don't mean to gloat.
Just pass me that mike, so I can rip out his throat.
Halo - Rampant Love
Cute and caring,
Those are my quirks.
Occasionally mental,
But we'll make it work.
What's that you say?
You need some more space?
Threaten to leave me,
And I'll show off your face.
But not to the people,
That won't do at all.
I'll rip off your helmet,
During freefall.
So as you cry out for air, facing the end,
Remember this Chief; I could've been your girlfriend
Devil May Cry - Devil may seek therapy
A devil may cry,
Or so I've been told.
A heart may be shy,
But love must be bold.
Fancying chicks,
Who look like my mum.
My sweet lady Trish,
Straight Oedipus, son!
I'm dripping in babes,
Mo' piece than a dove.
Lady's a fave,
But you're my true love.
Lucia or Lilith, I'm loaded and locked.
Ebony and ivory, I don't go off half-cocked.
Batman: Arkham series - You must be joking
Oh Mr J,
Your love's all I need,
So take a lesson from Ivy
And plant psycho seed.
I'm talking babies, okay?
A little villain at that.
To shore up our empire,
And bamboozle the Bat.
Just think of the scene,
Junior running around.
Pulling out fly wings,
As Gotham burns to the ground.
That pointy eared freak, he needs to pay,
So let's have us a gas this Valentine's day.
Super Mario series - A haiku by Mario
Peachy like the fruit.
My own kidnap-prone princess,
Arrayed all in pink.
Mass Effect - Shep got rep
Vorcha are red,
Asari are blue.
I'm sure we've made love,
But which one were you?
Gears of War - Locust lover
Dear sweet Maria,
I hope you don't mind,
If I go drinking with Marcus,
And leave you behind.
What's the worst that could happen?
The ground opens wide,
And bodybuilding termites creep out
From inside?
Don't be so drastic,
Just sit here at home,
While I go out and pound,
Some brewskis with bros.
Just contemplate this, that wherever you were
A half-shaven head is a deal-breaker.
Sonic series - Done in a flash
Amy Rose, it is said,
Your boyfriend is blue.
But no hedgehog alive,
Could bare to stand you.
The Legend of Zelda - A Limerick by Link
There once was a lad from Hyrule,
Who thought it'd be rather cool,
If he smashed up a pot,
Then blew up the lot,
If only to be your fool
Uncharted - A thief's sore end
Chloe in red,
Elena in blue,
I didn't use protection
With either of you.
xxx
Loved up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A
That's about all we have from our ultra-amorous icons - chime in with some disgusting poetry of your own in the comments sections below, and be sure to leave a few hateful slurs down there while you're at it - yanno, to balance out all the unbridled love and happiness...
Still not sated? Require EVEN MORE WORDS? Check out the following related, Valentine's Day type stuff. It's 100% cynicism-free, I promise. Okay, maybe not The Top 7... ways games lie to you about love, but at least The 'best' erotic video game fanfiction is all about happy endings. And a fair amount of abject, soul-sucking dread too, but hey, whatever.
