In a deep, dark cave sits an ancient dragon. He sees all. He knows all. He even understands the final episode of Lost . And to him travels a young seeker of knowledge, desperate to know what happens in the next episode of Merlin . You’d think after four weeks of this nonsense he’d have given up by now…
“Oooooh, shiny!”
“What? Who? Oh it’s you again, you irksome young inquisitor. Don’t you ever tire of these games?”
“No. What are you hiding, Great Dragon?”
“Nothing.”
“Yes you are. It‘s no use curling your tail over it now. I saw a big stash of something. They were shiny.”
“It’s gold, okay. And no you can’t win it by tricking me with a riddle. This isn’t bloody Middle-earth, you know.”
“That wasn’t gold. Gold doesn’t shine with that intensity. It was more like the faraway diamonds that twinkle in the ebony cloak of the night.”
“You mean the stars.”
“Yes, the blazing pinpricks punctuating the eternal nothing…”
“Please, by the great triple goddess, cease the puerile pubescent poetry before my ears melt.”
“Then admit it, or you get an encore. Admit you’ve got some stars hidden under your great, big green scaly…”
“Ah, so you’ve rumbled me. Yes. These are the stars that next week’s episode of Merlin will be getting.”
“How many?”
“That’s for me to know and you to… erm… not know for now But be assured, I have counted them all and I’ll know if you’ve pilfered any, you suspect young tatterdemalion.”
“It looked like there were loads.”
“There were indeed.”
“It’s a good episode then?”
“It is indeed. One of the best. But I may be biased.”
“Why?”
“Because it has a quite wonderful guest appearance in it from one by whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of referring to by use of the perpendicular pronoun?*”
“Eh?”
‘It is I.”
“Oh. Do you make any sense in it for a change?”
“Not much. I love messing with Merlin’s mind.”
“Well, things don’t sound promising so far…”
“Oi!”
“So why’s it so great?”
“It’s momentous. And epic. And pivotal. It’s a huge episode for Mordred, but more crucial still for Arthur and Merlin. Merlin is caught between a rock and a hard place, and has to make a decision – well a number of decisions, actually, but one in particular – that rips his very soul apart. Not in a magical way, you understand, but Colin Morgan’s quite brilliant acting leaves you in no doubt that Merlin is more conflicted than he’s ever been.”
“Ye gads, it sounds heavy.”
“It is. But it’s also action-packed, magic-packed and laced with humour. Especially when Mordred goes about something entirely the wrong way. The knights have a big involvement. There’s some gratuitous rune vandalism. Someone gets the point. And there’s another prophecy of sorts… though no-one seems quite sure if it’s actually a threat. Be assured, there will be repercussions.”
“What about Guinevere?”
“She’s beginning to become a bit of a revenge widow, but she has her moments.”
“And what’s a Disir?”
“It’s an anagram of Idris.”
“Oh my stars and garters… it’s a Doctor Who crossover!”
“Um… no.”
“Oh well. One more question.”
“Yes?”
“What’s that smell?”
“What smell?”
“That burning smell.”
“Ow! Ow! Ow! That’ll be these bloody stars burning my balls off. Even dragons have their limits of fiery endurance. So if you wouldn’t mind vacating the cave while I get some air to my nether regions, or there’ll be no more baby dragons…”
Merlin “The Disir”” airs on BBC1 on Saturday at 8.15pm.
• Read our Merlin series 5 reviews so far
(* Verbiage courtesy of Yes, Minister – the Great Dragon is a fan)
