Realism. That’s what everyone loves when it comes to driving games. Wait, scratch that. What everyone really loves is totally over-the-top zany, Wacky Races-style action. With nitrous. And some chick with huge cans in place of Mutley. So, we’re clear. What you need to sell a million copies is a hyper realistic, wacky driving sim with semi naked babes and volatile, combustible petrol concoctions.
The cynical components you'll need
1. Lens Flare
The more the better. Anyone who says it’s so 2001 is an asshole. How can you expect to fool anyone into buying your game if you don’t have hyper realistic lightning that makes them crash into billboards every time the sun pokes up from behind a tree?
2. Nitrous
Vin Diesel used it in those kick-ass Fast & Furious films. And everyone still likes a bit of Vin, right? Anyway, advanced business strategies and in-depth market analysis has proven, with zero percent margin for error, that the kids are still totally down with it.
3. Loads of car component thingies to tinker with
Carburetors, fuel… eh, dampers? That big metal thing in the front of the car. An en…gon, is it? It’s all good. Just give players loads of sliders to tinker with and they’ll feel like a regular grease gibbon. That’s the phrase, right? Anyway, just make sure you blab about your sliders on a big sticker on the box.
4. Slow-motion crashes
Consumers love to see fender benders and cars getting involved in metal-mangling, man-mincing crashes in super slo-mo. There’s nothing gamers love more than upchucking their cookies at the slowed-down sight of their car driving 193mph into a tree. Learn this, and that magical million will soon be in sight.
5. Members of the fairer sex in a state of undress
Or smoking hot bitches in bikinis, as consumerist youths refer to them. Packing every pit stop full of rendered babes wearing Ferrari branded g-strings is the only sure way to guarantee your game’s success.
The totally trendy title
Aping other successful games in your title is always a good idea. So try and include at least one word from a successful competitor’s game to try and confuse the public into buying your vastly inferior product.
The awesome end result
Next up...
Boobs and beating people up with our moolah-earning fighting game.
