How to make a game that’ll sell a million copies

The million-selling shooter

Attention Mr. Money Man: there are certain key rules you have to keep in mind if you want to make a shooting game you can retire to the Galapagos off the back of. Firstly, the primary reason people play these games is to murderise things they hate. And, secondly, they want to play in a world that’s had all emotion sucked out of it. After all, everyone knows feelings are just for women and communists and they’re clearly rubbish at games.

The cynical components you'll need

1. Biceps

The bigger the better. If the star doesn’t have forearms twice the size of his head then his game’s clearly shit and not worthy of a gamer’s precious time, which could be better spent venting all that aggression by smashing third party peripherals.

2. Give the hero claws for hands

Because fingers are lame. Oh, and robotic legs. Because human shins are even lamer.

3. Set half the levels in the hood and half in some hellish, Mars-style, ravished planet

This way your game will not only include that all important grit and street cred, but it’ll also lead nicely into the following…

4. Loads of aliens to shoot. Failing that, foreigners

Better yet, aliens who look French. That’s just a win/win situation in hatred-flaming marketing terms

5. Give your hero the biggest gun ever

Because less isn’t more. And anyone who tells you otherwise knows nothing about peddling interactive entertainment products to the gullible masses. They probably shoot small defenceless animals in their spare time, too.

The totally trendy title

Make sure to include blood in the game’s name. Only wimps don’t like a bit of the old claret of life. Inclusion of the letter X also adds mystery and is guaranteed to make your product sell 114% more copies.

The awesome end result

Next up...

The ultimate money-making racer.