How to make a game that’ll sell a million copies

It’s all about bountiful bosoms. The more you stick in your game and plaster on your box, the more likely you are to shift enough units to go swimming in a sea of gold coins Scrooge McDuck-style. The uninformed masses don’t care about 18 hit combos, sophisticated countering techniques or iconic finishing moves. All they want is double D-cups, and plenty of them.

The cynical components you'll need

1. Woman fighting in their undercrackers

Preferably in mud.

2. A sexy vixen with giant hooters in a metal fighting bikini

Preferably covered in mud… but absolutely, definitely, positively not Princess Leia in her metal bikini, honest.

3. Weapons that look like… but absolutely, definitely, positively aren’t lightsabers

Look, they’re laser sticks. Alright? No need to go blabbing to Uncle George.

4. One hugely cheap, button-bashing friendly character

Because no one wants to learn complicated, lengthy button inputs when they can just mash on the pad with their chipolata fingers. You’ll sell a few thousand more copies if said character is a cartoon animal of some sort.

5. Really advanced breast jiggling physics

Nail your double G-cup physics early doors and no one will care that your game’s collision detection is shot while they hypnotically hand over their 50 notes.

The totally trendy title

Get the word boob in and you could stick kittens getting stabbed on the box and horny, sex-starved, beat ‘em up enthusiasts would still happily trample over their grandmother’s head to buy your game.

The awesome end result

Next up

The survival horror game that'll scar your soul and suck your wallet dry.