How to make a game that’ll sell a million copies

1. Your hero should rock ‘dude looks like a lady’ chic

Kitting your game out with some soulful sort with a permanently earnest expression etched on his effeminate face will attract that elusive female audience to your game like a pyromaniac moth to a flame. Add some massive, impossibly sad eyes into the mixer and the ladies will be throwing their credit-card stuffed purses at you faster than your emoed up hero can flutter his luscious eyelashes.

2. Get in some top drawer voice talent

Including a totally gripping narrative with voice work from a stellar cast is always a good money-spinning scheme. Well, we say get in some top drawer thesps, but in reality that’ll cost way too much, so you’ll have to improvise. Why not rope in Liam Neeson’s second cousin to play the hero’s old man or get some Patrick Stewart look-a-likey in as the mystical king? We suggest paying them in sandwiches, too.

3. A wealth of weaker life forms to enslave

Humans rule. Everything else sucks. Heed these words when constructing your RPG and give the player loads of fluffy animals to trap, berate and command. Those WWF sorts may complain, but you’ll suck up the Pokémon and Cabela's Dangerous Hunts crowd in a second.

4. Loads of customisation options

Emo’s great and all, but you need a safety net to maximise your game’s appeal. A character creator covering all the major ethnicities, ranges of facial hair, monocles, baseball caps and form-fitting body suits is the perfect solution. This way, you’ll offend nobody and cater for everybody. Translation: chi ching!

5. Good/evil choices to mould your character

Anyone with a shred of patriotism and a willingness to add to capitalist culture likes being a properly evil bastard when it comes to RPGs. But, unfortunately, there are do-gooder types out there you’ve got to pander to if you want to reach that mythical million copies. Stick in a couple of choices that let you rescue/set fire to an enchanted cat in a tree and you’re set.

The totally trendy title

Your game name has to scream emotion from the touchy feely rafters. Nail this, and you’ll land the female and overly sensitive man-child crowd hook, line and sinker.

The awesome end result

Aug 9, 2009

Beloved games turned into movie monstrosities

May not be representative of in-game footage...