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Princess Diana was murdered...
The Conspiracy: Anti-monarchists have long asserted that the untimely death of The Queen Of All Our Hearts (TM Daily Mail) was not just a tragic accident, but actually the culmination of a plot to stop her marrying again and causing the Royal family further embarrassment. Note: this theory has largely been propagated by professional loon Mohammed Al Fayed, whose son also died in the crash. So, you know, it might not be that reliable…
The Movie: Doe-eyed Gwyneth Paltrow plays the saintly Diana, whilst Michael Gambon plays the Duke of Edinburgh, the leering, cackling villain of the piece. Hugh Grant is spluttering oddball Prince Charles, whilst truth and justice’s crusader in chief, Chairman Mo, is played by a steely-eyed Art Malik. Stephen Frears occupies the director’s chair.
The Big Twist: It was Al Fayed what done it! It was all part of a fiendish plot to bring more punters through the door at Harrods! (Lawyer’s note: he didn’t really. Honest.)
NASA faked the moon landing...
The Conspiracy: NASA supposedly pulled the wool over the eyes of a trusting global public, by mocking up a lunar surface out of various household materials and having some astronauts sheepishly prance about on it. The theory is based largely around photographs that show shadows falling in odd directions, camera crosshairs visible behind rocks and Buzz Aldrin’s flag moving in a strange way. Needless to say, all such qualms have been discredited, but why should that spoil all the fun?
The Movie: We could imagine this as a comedy in which Ben Stiller’s struggling movie director is roped in to NASA HQ to mock up a spoof film of astronauts landing on the moon. Stiller must cope with shoddy effects, demanding bosses and a cast of washed-up hams (including Alec Baldwin as preening luvvie “Buzz Aldrin”) in his attempts to fool a nation and pay his rent.
The Big Twist: The film’s final scene, in which a real crew of astronauts attempts to make contact with base to no avail. In all the confusion, NASA have forgotten the crew they really did send up there!
Elvis is alive...
The Conspiracy: Elvis didn’t die! He’s Elvis! He won’t go until he’s good and ready. Yep, this one is largely perpetuated by The King’s army of rabid fans, many of whom claim to have spotted his blue suede shoes everywhere from Bognor to Bali. The theory goes that Elvis faked his own death, for various reasons, and is now living peacefully outside of the spotlight’s glare…
The Movie: A biopic of the King’s later years in which he is portrayed as a hard-drinking old curmudgeon who hates his songs and hates his fans even more. Sick of it all, he decides to fake his own death and goes to ground. However, with every Tom, Dick and Harry recognising him wherever he goes, disappearing proves harder than he thought. As for who should play Elvis, there’s no question. It’s Bruce Campbell all the way. Did you not see Bubba Ho-Tep ?
The Big Twist: In the film’s final scene Elvis comes face to face with his father…his long dead father. So he was dead after all! All the stuff that happened after the “fake” was his soul’s way of coping with oblivion…or something.
Paul McCartney is dead...
The Conspiracy: The polar opposite of the Elvis theory, this barmy conspiracy posits that McCartney died in a car-crash back in 1966 and was replaced by a look-and-sound-alike by the record company. At least that would explain why Wings were so shite…
The Movie: A look-and-sound-alike? That’s too unrealistic. Replacing him with a robot would be much more believable. This Tim Burton directed oddity would feature Elvis (yes him again), bumping off various pop stars and replacing them with robots, pre-programmed to write terrible songs, so as to preserve his legacy as the world’s greatest artist. Johnny Depp stars as the scientist Elvis ropes in to help out.
The Big Twist: Heather Mills actually turns out to be human! We could have sworn she was some sort of replicant…
Aliens crashed at Roswell...
The Conspiracy: This one is the daddy, isn’t it? One of the longest-standing conspiracies amongst tinfoil-hatted attic-dwellers is that a UFO crashed at Roswell, New Mexico, sometime before July 7, 1947. Despite initially fanning the flames by claiming it was an alien craft, the US Military later revealed that the fallen craft was actually just a weather balloon. Yeah right…
The Movie: There have been loads of films inspired by the Roswell “cover-up” but we’d love to see J.J. Abrams do a treatment of it. A retro sci-fi movie would be a welcome antidote to the crash-bang-wallop apocalypse movies we’re so often treated to. Battle: LA coming soon folks….
The Big Twist: Aliens did land, stupid! Bet you didn’t see that one coming! Oh, did you? Damn.
The Philadelphia Experiment...
The Conspiracy: Yeah, this one is a bit out there, but stick with us. This theory (made popular by the Charles Berlitz novel of the same name) asserts that experimentation at a naval base back in 1943 took place with the view to rendering US Navy destroyer Eldridge invisible. What they actually managed was to rip a hole in the space-time continuum, sending the Eldridge into the high seas where it reappeared sometime later. The navy denies that any such experiment took place, but then, they would wouldn’t they?
The Movie: This one has already been made, believe it or not, as an ‘80s sci-fi, but we’d remake it and play it for laughs, with Will Ferrell starring as the bumbling scientist at the heart of the mishap. When he accidentally trashes a naval craft in an attempt to make it invisible, a panicking Ferrell tells his gullible bosses that he accidentally transported it through time. Coincidentally, that was the next development the military higher-ups wanted him to work on, leaving Ferrell with the tricky proposition of delivering an actual time machine…
The Big Twist: Ferrell’s bosses reveal that they knew he was bulshitting all along, but wanted to catch the public imagination to distract from the alien landing they were covering up…
Shergar was kidnapped by Gadaffi...
The Conspiracy: A rare bit of truth to this one for a change, in that champion racehorse Shergar was actually kidnapped by armed gunman on February 8th 1983. However, what happened to him next is a mystery. Some say he was pinched by the New Orleans mafia, but we prefer the idea that the IRA pinched the nag for Colonel Gadaffi in exchange for weapons!
The Movie: Colin Farrell stars in this knockabout crime caper, as part of a gang of thieves hired by a shadowy figure to steal the horse. In a nod to the theorists, the gang are constantly speculating as to who they’re doing the job for throughout this snappy thriller directed by In Bruges’ Martin McDonagh.
The Big Twist: The film’s final scene sees a postcard arrives on Farrell’s doormat, with the single word “thanks” printed on the back. The postmark is from Libya…
Pearl Harbour was allowed to happen...
The Conspiracy: Franklin you bastard! Apparently, President Roosevelt not only knew about the Pearl Harbour attack before it happened, but actively provoked it. Why? So he could convince a sceptical American public and Congress that entering the war in Europe was a necessity.
The Movie: If nothing else, this would be an opportunity to make up for the Michael Bay version, which was so riddled with historical inaccuracies, it makes the conspiracy theory look credible. We’d like to see the whole episode given a revisionist treatment, with Roger Donaldson (director of the underrated Thirteen Days ) stepping in for Bay.
The Big Twist: Roosevelt’s great-great-great-grandfather turns out to have been Japanese, further explaining the President’s treacherous turn.
Fluoridation is keeping us weak...
The Conspiracy: There is a significant fluoride content in a lot of drinking water. This much we know to be true. But did you also know that it’s deliberately being put there by pharmaceutical companies who hope to benefit from a sickly populace (tests have shown some negative health implications from the chemical)? Or that the government is happy to let them do it, as it precipitates a kind of chemical dumbing-down of the masses? No, thought not.
The Movie: Crusading journalist Russell Crowe gets wind of a massive scandal involving a pharmaceuticals giant in this pounding thriller from director Paul Haggis. Naturally, he expects resistance from the corporate suits when he tries to tell his story, but what he wasn’t expecting was just how far up the corruption goes. It goes right to the top, dammit! Best get those fists punching, Russ!
The Big Twist: Crowe has been infected with a particularly high dose of fluoride and has been slowly dying throughout the film. He crawls to his keyboard with his last breaths and manages to email the story to his editor. His life was not in vain!
Lizard-Men rule the Earth...
The Conspiracy: Oh, haven’t you heard? Obama, Cameron, Sir Alex Ferguson…they ain’t human, yo! So says one-time Beeb reporter David Icke, who claimed that various powerful figures were actually an alien race of shape-shifting lizards. How did he know? Princess Diana confirmed it apparently. No wonder they wanted her dead…
The Movie: A good old-fashioned creature-feature starring David Arquette as a presidential aide who stumbles upon the big man’s secret identity and must convince Bruce Willis’ bad-ass army general to help mobilise America’s troops against the lizard menace within. Aaaargh!
The Big Twist: The President lies dead, Arquette having rammed the stars and stripes through his reptilian skull. However, he hasn’t seen what’s happened to Bruce, who’s standing behind him. OMG…he’s a lizard too!
Plastic coffins foreshadow US fascism...
The Conspiracy: Just outside Atlanta, next to a major highway, sit 500,000 plastic coffins, supposedly owned by the Federal Emergency Management Agency. A bit bleak you might think, but probably quite sensible in the occasion of large-scale disaster. Or alternatively, you might think that this is evidence that martial law is on its way, and FEMA have also built a number of concentration camps to house those who resist. One or the other.
The Movie: When America’s financial crisis is manipulated by shadowy forces to impose martial law, Sam Worthington and Garrett Hedlund must lead an uprising of rebels to fight the powers that be and liberate those who have been enslaved by a corrupt regime. Renny Harlin directs as the explosions come thick and fast.
The Big Twist: Thos concentration camps were actually evacuation centres designed to protect America from the event of nuclear fallout. In “liberating” said camps, Hedlund and Worthington unwittingly bring about the deaths of all their nearest and dearest. Whoops.
9/11 was a government plot...
The Conspiracy: You’ll probably be familiar with this one, given that the internet speculation has hardly died down in the ten years since the tragedy. Basically, the theory goes that the 9/11 attacks were not a terrorist plot, but rather a government-engineered event to foster public support and justify war in the Middle East. The evidence? All fairly sketchy stuff, but plumes of smoke seen from below the plane’s impact point have been suggested to be a sign of a controlled explosion, whilst the impact at the Pentagon supposedly doesn’t tally with a plane crash. Various scientific journals have rejected all such hypotheses, as have a number of official and unofficial enquiries into the day’s events.
The Movie: It would be controversial beyond measure to create a film in which all of the above plays out as asserted, but a documentary investigating the so-called 9/11 Truth Movement (the most extreme branch of 9/11 theorists) could be genuinely interesting. Nick Broomfield, come on down!
The Big Twist: The earth-shattering revelation that not every terrorist atrocity is an inside job.
Easter Island proves alien existence...
The Conspiracy: Popularised by Erich von Daniken’s 1968 book Chariot Of The Gods , this is the idea that various man-made wonders such as the Pyramids and Stonehenge are the products of a superior knowledge and power than was present in the societies that are supposed to have built them.
The Movie: A sci-fi thriller in which aliens return to Earth at the aforementioned spots. Earth’s population is divided, as debate rages as to whether to welcome these (seemingly peaceful) extra-terrestrial visitors, or to boot them out via force. Moon director Duncan Jones brings a contemplative touch to proceedings in this low-key moral-maze of an alien movie.
The Big Twist: Having decided to annihilate the invaders, things take a bizarre turn at the film’s end, as the Pyramids turn into giant spaceships and the Easter Island heads, are revealed to be sleeping creatures. They weren’t our monuments to defend!
Harold Wilson was a Soviet...
The Conspiracy: This one originates with Soviet defector Anatoliy Golitsyn, who is believed to have claimed that Harold Wilson was a plant by the KGB, and who was secretly acting in Soviet interests throughout his tenure as Labour Leader. Wilson was repeatedly interrogated by MI5, but was cleared of any links to the KGB. They’re cunning though, those Russkies…
The Movie: This could be neatly adapted into a Salt-esque identity-crisis thriller in which Liam Neeson’s British politician believes himself to be wrongly accused of spying, only to find his memory becoming increasingly unreliable. Is the life he thought was his, all a sham? And can he discover the truth before somebody shuts him up for good?
The Big Twist: Neeson finally reveals the truth. His wife is an actress, he isn’t actually Irish and home is actually a little town in Siberia.
MK-ULTRA is being used to carry out Black Ops missions...
The Conspiracy: MK-ULTRA refers to a covert chemical interrogation research programme from the ‘50s, in which American citizens were experimented on by the CIA. The programme was supposedly disbanded in the ‘60s, but theorists claim that MK-ULTRA was continually used in Black Ops missions throughout the coming years, including the assassination of Bobby Kennedy.
The Movie: A CIA-developed mind-control chemical falls into the wrong hands, allowing global terrorists access to a horrifying new weapon. Ordinary citizens are kidnapped and turned into walking killers, briefed to target America’s leaders. Only The Rock’s hard as nails cop can bring the plot crashing to its knees, but it won’t be easy, as every average Joe could be a potential assassin. Wait, isn’t this the plot to The Naked Gun?
The Big Twist: The Rock was an MK-ULTRA test-subject years ago, meaning he too is a ticking bomb. Someone call Frank Drebin!
Vaccine manufacturers are evil...
The Conspiracy: Woah, this one already has two Hollywood stars in place! It’s the rambling claim from recently split couple Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy, that disgraced doctor Andrew Wakefield was actually the victim of a stitch-up orchestrated by vaccine manufacturers. “Dr. Andrew Wakefield is being discredited to prevent an historic study from being published, that for the first time looks at vaccinated versus unvaccinated primates and compares health outcomes, with potentially devastating consequences for vaccine makers and public health officials,” squawked Jim & Jen. Okaaaaaay.
The Movie: Jim Carrey stars as the talented Dr. Wakefield, whilst Jenny McCarthy is the foxy but villainous CEO of Tasty Vaccines Incorporated, the Blue Chip powerhouse behind the dastardly plot. Uwe Boll directs.
The Big Twist: McCarthy’s character turns out to be part of an alien race of shapeshifting lizards…
The Earth is hollow...
The Conspiracy: Think we’re alone on this planet? Think again. Deep below the surface of the Earth lives a race of creatures known as the Agarthians, whose realm can be accessed via either of the North or South poles. We’re not making this up. That honour goes to naval officer Admiral Byrd, who reported his findings back in 1947. The Navy are keeping it hush-hush now though, the spoilsports. We can handle the truth!
The Movie: John Travolta leads a team of commandos down to the Earth’s core to wipe out the stowaways. A classic action adventure ensues, with the Agarthians giving as good as they get. In the end, a retreating Travolta decides to concrete over the two entrances and hope for the best.
The Big Twist: A miniature Agarthian has stowed away in Travolta’s rucksack. Yeah, they have a shrinking-ray down there. What of it?
HAARP is America's secret weapon...
The Conspiracy: HAARP is the Pentagon’s High-frequency Active Auroral Research Program, an experimental project exploring the possibility of heating the ionosphere using radio waves. At least that’s what they want you to think. It’s actually a giant weapon designed to “lift” sections of the atmosphere, and manufacture extreme weather conditions.
The Movie: When the government’s HAARP-based tinkering takes one liberty too many with Mother Nature, we’re left with the plot for Roland Emmerich’s next disaster movie. All together now: “WE BROUGHT THIS ON OURSELVES!!!!”
The Big Twist: John Cusack’s humble scientist reveals that the chronic weather is just a freak occurrence, and nothing to do with HAARP at all. Everybody is mildly disappointed…
The Bermuda Triangle is the gateway to another world...
The Conspiracy: The Bermuda Triangle is stretch of airspace over the Atlantic Ocean where a number of planes have gone missing over the years. The most likely explanation? It’s a portal to another dimension. Obviously.
The Movie: Sam Rockwell’s cynical scientist decides to charter a plane to fly in and out of the suspicious area over a four-week period, in order to prove once and for all that there is nothing untoward going on. He returns home with the experiment completed, only for his wife to realise that he is behaving rather oddly…what exactly happened out there Sam?
The Big Twist: The real Rockwell disappeared into the Triangle and was replaced by an other-worldly doppelganger! Naturally his replacement continues writing his thesis, so as to convince the world the Triangle is safe…
Chemtrails are paving the way for revolution...
The Conspiracy: This is the theory that some contrails (the white lines of condensed water vapour left in the sky by passing aircraft) are actually the product of a chemical product being deliberately sprayed into the atmosphere. Why are they doing it? Well, nobody’s quite sure, but it may well be something to do with the establishment of a new world order. Ahem.
The Movie: Lars Von Trier directs this affecting portrait of a mind in decay, as Nic Cage’s deranged postman rants and raves about a chemtrail conspiracy, before retiring to an underground bunker with a hundred tins of baked beans and a shotgun. The film follows his distraught family as they attempt to maintain a bond with their increasingly erratic relative.
The Big Twist: He was right all along! Everyone above ground is enslaved by a shadowy new regime who have doped the population into submission as a result of those pesky chemtrails. Only Nic has remained out of their grasp! Sadly, he ran out of beans some months earlier…
