Worst to Best: Star Trek Merchandise

Andorian Hat

Price: £19.79 from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun? Based on Thy’lek Shran from the series Star Trek: Enterprise, this headwear homage will be greeted with nods of recognition by only the most stringent of Trekkies – everyone else will think you’ve just been separated from the world’s weirdest stag do. Hopefully the fleece lining can still keep you warm and cosy when all of your friends refuse to stand anywhere near you..

Captain Picard Quote Bottle Necklace

Price: £9.82 from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun? Wearing a bottle containing a hand-sculpted Starfleet logo and sparkly star confetti might seem like a particularly special type of futility, but the only way to make it worse? Add an obscure Picard quote that is actually incorrect. Here you get the words “What we leave behind is as important as how we've lived" but Jean-Luc’s actual words (spoken in Star Trek Generations) are “What we leave behind is NOT as important as how we've lived" thus the point of his bald-headed wisdom has been squarely missed. Either way, you should definitely just leave this behind.

Ferengi Gold Latinum Brick

The price: £15 (or £45 painted) from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun? For fifteen pounds of real, hard-earned currency, you can own one heavy block of useless, imaginary currency. Which is a bargain if you have lots of other useless, imaginary things to buy and this is the only acceptable form of payment. But wait, that’s just the cheap version. You have to pay out an extra £30 if you want it painted in the right colour. Which is still a bargain because we all know those gold ink gel pens in WH Smiths cost £30, right?

James Tiberius Kirk Leadlight Style Painting

Price: £29.68 from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun? Of all the thousands of spectacular Star Trek fan portraits that can be found for sale on the internet, this might be the least flattering and the most hideous. Even the artist himself, in listing the item, admits “this thing creeps me out”. Yes, that’s because it looks like you pieced it together from William Shatner’s actual skin.

Deoated Kaleidoscope Egg

Price: £39.57 from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun?
If the tasteful red and gold decorations and episode pictures sourced from Google Images aren’t enough to entice you, a kaleidoscope has been built inside. Which is particularly handy for when the outside shell pushes you completely over the edge and the only way to soothe your affronted retinas is to stare blankly at meaningless forms and shapes for an hour.

Rubber Latex Dress

Price: £168.17 from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun? We’re sure this will have a certain appeal to those Trekkies that prefer playing dress-up behind closed doors rather than at conventions, but whatever kind of cosplay floats your starship, there should always be one golden rule: squeaking clothes kind of ruin the illusion a bit. If you’re worried about feeling a bit silly wearing this in the first place, wait until you’re fidgeting around in the Captain’s Chair.

Spock-Themed Baby Hat

Price: £11.86 from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun? The great thing about small children is that you can dress them up how you want and they don't know any better. Even if they did protest, you can just use your firm parent voice and tell them it's for their own good or something. Everyone's a winner. Except for the kid. And maybe you, if Child Services ever caught wind of this.

Boutonniere

Price: £39.34 from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun? If you're attending a formal occasion and need to make a good impression, then a traditional buttonhole flower decoration can be the perfect accessory to offset that 'refined gentleman' look. Plastic Starfleet emblems stuck to your chest, however, will ensure that you are outcast from high society and won't ever be invited back for those wine-tastings.

Custom Glitter Nail Polish

Price: £5.28 from Etsy

Set Phasers to fun? This alien-like nail polish has been called 'First Contact' by its seller and was inspired after watching "all four seasons of Voyager in two weeks". Unfortunately, unless you tell people that when you meet them, everyone will just think you have a hideous fungal infection.

Spock Breast Meld Flask/Cigarette Case

Price: $18.99 from Amazon.com

Set Phasers to fun? The Vulcan mind meld is a deeply personal telepathic link that allows two individuals to share a consciousness. But hey, let's throw a naked lady in there and laugh at Spock being a pervert! Essentially, this hip flask/cigarette case is a combination of alcohol, smoking and 60s Star Trek porn. You just know that Don Draper would have one.