Lock Up (1989)
The One-Liner: (Before administering a punch to the balls of the guard who threatened to have his wife raped) Frank Leone - “Rape this!”
Long Version: “I’m not best pleased about your plans to rape my wife. As a token of my anger, please accept this crushing blow to your nether-regions.”
Awesome Version: “I would cut off my own penis before I ever let you get anywhere near my wife. Look into my eyes and know that this is true.”
The Transporter 2 (2005)
The One Liner: (Frank Martin - “I’m afraid that your flight has been cancelled.”) Gianni - “I’m afraid that you have been cancelled.”
Long Version: “This is new information, and quite frankly it has thrown me. I’m annoyed that you appear to have got the best of me, and in my irritation, have come up short in the witty retort stakes. Nevertheless, I’m still going to kick your ass!”
Awesome Version: (As he begins to run) “Then how come I’m taking off?”
Out For Justice (1991)
The One Liner: (Vinnie Madano: “You wouldn't say that shit if Richie was here.”) Gino Felino: “Yeah, but Richie ain’t here. Know why? ‘Cause he’s a chickenshit fucking pussy asshole!”
Long Version: “I say what I like, when I like to whoever I like. Why? Because I’m Gino Felino. My name makes me sound like a character from a nursery rhyme, and yet people still shit themselves when I walk into a room. I am deeply insulted that you would think I would check myself in the presence of Richie or anyone else. Goodness, if you thought I was cross before, you’ve really got me steamed up now.”
Awesome Version: “You really don’t know me at all, do you Vinnie?”
Mission Impossible 3 (2006)
The One Liner: (Having scaled a vast barrier on his way into the Vatican) Ethan Hunt - “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall!”
Long Version: “Hmm, that was a pretty impressive bit of breaking and entering. Pity noone was around to see it. Gosh it’s a long way down. I feel like Humpty Dumpty! I used to love that story. Aah, memories. Anyway, back to business…”
Awesome Version: “Are you a Vatican, or a Vatican't?”
X-Men (2000)
The One Liner: Storm - “Do you know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.”
Long Version: “I might not be as cool as my team-mates, but I’m sure as hell not going to fry your ass without firing off a quick zinger first. Now… something to do with lightning…nope, nothing’s coming. Umm, your name is Toad, right? Okay, okay, what amphibious puns do I know… I’ve got it! I’ll do something about lightning and toads together. Perfect. Stick me on the poster for the second movie guys, I’m about to own this one…”
Awesome Version: “They say lightning never strikes twice…fortunately, once is usually enough.”
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)
The One Liner: Juggernaut – “Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”
Long Version: “Gor’ blimey, this one is going down the shitbox isn’t it? I know, who likes obscure internet memes? Right then, well why don’t I quote you one? I’m the Juggernaut, bitch! Eh? Who’s with me? Eh? Wait, come back! Oh I’m going to kill Ratner for this….”
Awesome Version: “There is one more thing…it’s been emotional.”
Eraser (1996)
The One Liner: (To an alligator he’s just killed) John Kruger – “You’re luggage!”
Long Version: “I know you can’t understand me, what with you being an alligator and all, but for the benefit of any humans watching, I’d better make this sound good. I have killed you, and you are now going to be turned into a handbag or suitcase. This is what happens to reptiles that cross John Kruger…they end up as desirable luxury goods. Tell your friends.”
Awesome Version: “Gator the devil you know…”
Catwoman (2004)
The One Liner: Catwoman – “White Russian, no ice, no vodka… hold the Kahlua.”
Long Version: “I am Catwoman. Ipso facto, I enjoy the taste of milk. Since I’m too proud to ask for a glass of that, please indulge me in this absurd rigmarole in which I order a milk-based cocktail with all of the alcohol taken out. Thanks, it’s much appreciated. Aah, lovely cool milk…”
Awesome Version: “Got milk?”
The Condemned (2007)
The One Liner: Jack Conrad - “Sounds like you’ve had a hard life…good thing it’s over.”
Long Version: “I might sound sympathetic, but Stone Cold doesn’t do sympathy, and in reality I’m about to open up a whole crate of whup-ass on you. I’m going to stomp a mudhole in that chest of yours. I’m going to kill you, basically.”
Awesome Version: “You’re dead, and that’s the bottom line…’CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!”
Batman & Robin (1997)
The One Liner: Mr. Freeze – “If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest…it’s time to feast!”
Long Version: “Oh ho! Ice to meet you. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty more where that came from. I’m called Mr. Freeze you see…that’s why it’s funny! Now, I’m all set to launch my evil masterplan upon Gotham…but come come, there’s surely time for one last, tortured pun, is there not? Brilliant. Or should I say, chilliant?”
Awesome Version: “Things are hotting up…I hate that.”
Hard To Kill (1990)
The One Liner: Mason Storm - “I’m going to take you to the bank Senator Trent…the blood bank.”
Long Version: “That bastard killed my wife. That makes me mad. Really, really mad. Not so mad however, that I’m beyond making a truly eye-watering pun. Must remember that one for when I finally get my hands on him. ‘The blood bank’! I’m a genius.”
Awesome Version: “I’m going to make a deposit. My boot up your ass!”
Moonraker (1979)
The One Liner: (Hugo Drax - “Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python?) James Bond – “I discovered it had a crush on me.”
Long Version: “How considerate of you to pave the way for my trademark brand of soul-destroying punnery with such a transparently toadying set-up! Allow me to oblige you with the painfully obvious retort. Now, have you any women I can harass?”
Awesome Version: “Because I fucking hate snakes, you soppy tart.”
The Rock (1996)
The One Liner: Stanley Goodspeed - “Let’s talk music. Do you like the Elton John song Rocket Man ? Well, I only bring it up because…it’s you. You’re the Rocket Man.” (Promptly launches a rocket into his enemy)
Long Version: “I could just blow you away with this rocket, but I’d quite like to make a tit out of you first, so how about you play along with this ridiculous line of questioning without gutting me like a fish? Yes? Super.”
Awesome Version: (Singing) “Oh no no no, you’re a Rocket Maaaaaan!”
Twins (1988)
The One Liner: (Having just wiped a guy off his motorbike) Julius Benedict: “I did nothing…the pavement was his enemy”.
Long Version: “Okay, bear with me here, my English isn’t the best! Now, what I’m trying to do is wittily excuse myself from smearing that man all over the sidewalk. Then again, I’m a hopeless naïf with very little to draw on in the way of snarky asides. Never mind, I’ll give it a go… 'the pavement was his enemy'. Haha, it is hilarious, yes?"
Awesome Version: “Speed kills.”
Road House (1989)
The One-Liner: Ben Gazarra - “I see you’ve found my trophy room. The only thing missing is your ass!”
Long Version: “What in the blue hell are you doing in here? I’m actually fairly disconcerted, so will try to bamboozle you with a vaguely homoerotic threat. Gah, what am I even talking about…I sound like I want to enjoy your butt-cheeks at my leisure! Which of course I do, but you weren’t supposed to know that…”
Awesome Version: “Your ass, my wall…let’s go.”
Drive Angry (2011)
The One Liner: Milton - “I’m not going to have a beer until I can drink it out of his skull.”
Long Version: “I’m pretty set upon getting my revenge, and I won’t rest until I make it happen. And when I do get my revenge, it will be pretty horrible, so you might want to give me a wide berth while it's happening. There’s probably going to be blood everywhere. Oh and remind me to take a beer with me. A lot of bars won’t serve you if you’re carrying a severed head under one arm.”
Awesome Version: “Give me a beer…in THAT MAN’S SKULL!”
Spider-Man (2002)
The One Liner: Norman Osborne – “Sorry I’m late, work was murder.”
Long Version: “Guess what everyone? There’s something different about me. Can you guess what it is? Go on, have a guess. Here’s a clue: I had a hard day at work today...you might even say it was MURDER. Just to clarify, I said it was MURDER. So, any guesses? That’s right, I’ve turned into a psychotic loon. Took you bloody long enough…”
Awesome Version: “That dinner was lovely…you might even say I was goblin it down.”
Leprechaun In Tha Hood (2000)
The One Liner: Leprechaun - “A friend with weed is a friend indeed, but a friend with gold is best I’m told.”
Long Version: “Ah, hello there, top of the morning to ye fellas. I’m a little out of me depth here, what with this being tha hood, and the whole scenario being totally fucking ridiculous, so excuse me if me rapping isn’t quite up to scratch. Now, to clarify, you lot like marijuana, and I like gold. Just so we know where we all stand.”
Awesome Version: “Give me what I want so I can get out of here without having to perform any sort of rap.”
Seed Of Chucky (2004)
The One Liner: (Having just killed Britney Spears) Chucky - “Oops, I did it again.”
Long Version: “I’ve just killed Britney Spears, for the sole purpose of quoting one of her hits for comic effect. You see, when she sang “Oops I did it again,” she was talking about mucking someone about romantically. Hilariously, I’ve subverted that lyric into a reference to my homicidal tendencies! What a card I am.”
Awesome Version: “She told me to hit her one more time…so I did.”
Gigli (2003)
The One Liner: Ricki: “It’s turkey time…gobble, gobble.”
Long Version: “I would like you to perform fellatio on me. However, because I feel mildly uncomfortable using openly sexual language, I will be referring to that as “turkey time” from here until the end of our relationship. Presuming that you find this agreeable, feel free to proceed.”
Awesome Version: “Eat me, loser!”
Red Sonja (1985)
The One Liner: Red Sonja – “No man may have me, unless he’s beaten me in a fair fight.”
Long Version: “I’ve got some pretty messed-up daddy issues, and am a sucker for an abusive relationship, so if you’re willing to smack me about a bit, I’m all yours! You’ll have to be bone-hard though, because I’m a bit of a bruiser myself.”
Awesome Version: “Roses are red, violets are black and blue.”
Con Air (1997)
The One Liner: (Johnny 23 – “Do you know what I am?”) Cameron Poe – “Ugly all day?”
Long Version: “I’m not particularly keen on you because you’re a notorious rapist. However, rather than calling you out on your deviant sexual proclivities, I’ll go straight for the jugular by calling you “ugly”. How d’ya like them apples, bub? Not very nice are they?”
Awesome Version: (In a nod to Lock Up ) “Rape this!”
Terminator 3 (2003)
The One Liner: Terminator - “She’ll be back.”
Long Version: “Excuse me while I get this out of the way. Everyone in the audience is expecting it, so let’s serve it up and move on. That sexy-looking female Terminator? She, as was once the case with myself, will be back. Phew. Now let’s get on with blowing some more shit up, yes?”
Awesome Version: “Dat’s da girl for me!”
Tooth Fairy (2010)
The One Liner: Derek Thompson – “You can't handle the Tooth! And that's the Tooth, the whole Tooth and nothing but the Tooth! I pledge allegiance to the Tooth.”
Long Version: “Look guys, it’s kind of a comedown for a tough guy like me to prance around in a frilly tutu, handing out loose change to infants. However, I find that a spot of laboured punning eases the pain somewhat, so will be crowbarring the word ‘tooth’ into as many of my sentences as possible for the foreseeable future. Because of this, a lot of what I say will seem banal and even irritating, but just give me time. It’s a coping mechanism.”
Awesome Version: “You’re making me fairy mad. Fairy mad indeed…”
Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (2009)
The One Liner: (Leo – “I had a bit of a mild panic attack earlier, right?”) Mudflap – “That’s ‘cause you’re a pussy!”
Long Version: “Yo, yo, yo, yo! Skids and Mudflap in the house, motherfuckers! We a pair of jive-talkin’ suckas, come to bring some of that ghetto realness to the party. We straight trippin’, heard? All you Decepticon fools better recognise, before we bring the pain to yo’ punk asses. Mudflap out!”
Awesome Version: “Time for us to go, yo!”
Gone In Sixty Seconds (2000)
The One Liner: Memphis Raines – “I just stole fifty cars in one night! I’m a little tired, a little wired, and I think I deserve a little appreciation!”
Long Version: “I’m suffering from an acute adrenaline overload which is causing me to introduce unwieldy bouts of rhyming into my sentences. All I want is a bit of attention, and I’m going to bitch and whine until I get it. Right that’s it, I’m off to talk to my car again.”
Awesome Version: “I’m a little bit woah, a little bit weey, a little bit pthphthpth. I’ll nick anything, me.”
Howard The Duck (1986)
The One Liner: Howard – “Noone laughs at a master of Quack-Fu!”
Long Version: “I am trained in the martial arts. Since I am a duck, and not a human, I refer to these as ‘Quack-Fu’ in an attempt to perform a humorous riff on the term ‘Kung-Fu’. I am aware that the words ‘quack’ and ‘kung’ sound nothing alike, and am also beginning to realise that even ‘Duck-Fu’ would have worked better, but there we are. Still, nobody laughs at me in any case! Wait, why are you all laughing?”
Awesome Version: “That’s why they call me the Peking Duck!”
The Spirit (2008)
The One Liner: The Spirit - “I’m gonna kill you all kinds of dead!”
Long Version: “Right, prepare to be intimidated by my intense machismo and rapier wit. I’m going to make you dead, in every way possible! Yes, I know there’s only one kind of dead, but that should still be enough to scare you. Oh, I’ve overdone it haven’t I? Its easy to get carried away with a gun in your hand. Bah.”
Awesome Version: “Expect me to put up a spirited defence. Snarf snarf!”
Nowhere To Run (1993)
The One Liner: Sam Gillen – “Au revoir, fucker!”
Long Version: “I am a cultured soul, but one with a very pronounced mean streak. Just because I can crack walnuts with my backside, don’t be fooled into thinking I am some sort of boorish oaf. I have a firm grasp of many foreign languages, but I also like to keep it real. Now that I have killed you, I shall bid you farewell in the traditional French style, whilst adding a dash of macho Americana to remind everyone I’m still a badass. Parfait! I mean, parfait fucker!”
Awesome Version: “Say ‘bonsoir’ you piece of shit!”
The Avengers (1998)
The One Liner: Sir August de Wynter: “Now is the winter of your discontent!”
Long Version: “I’m weather-mad, me! My whole Earth-chilling plot was basically cooked up so I could deliver this one line. If you’ll note my surname, it refers not only to your chilly fate, but to the man who has engineered it! Quite clever, I think you’ll agree. Now where did I leave my scarf?”
Awesome Version: “Ice to meet you…”
