The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Beaver-bashers: Carrie-Ann Moss, Keanu Reeves
Carrie and Keanu enjoy a bout of board-stiff sex-cuddling as an underground cave/rave/orgy scene pounds on and on around them. They veeery slooowly writhe in the flickering candlelight, evoking the raw sexual heat of two dermatologists examining each other for potentially cancerous blemishes.
The Tall Guy (1989)
Botched boffers: Emma Thompson, Jeff Goldblum
Oh, it’s so English! All elbows and apologies and stepping on the toast and knocking over the vase. But that’s okay because spontaneous sex is like that, right? Maybe - but at least it doesn’t involve Jeff Goldblum. Unless, of course, you’re Jeff Goldblum’s sex partner… Brr.
Kingpin (1996)
Pipe-cleaners: Lin Shaye, Woody Harrelson
After being rumbled in a rent-dodging scam, Woody’s ten-pin titan is forced to carnally commune with his haggy landlady. The action is off-screen, but the post-coital reveal tells all: him vomming in the en-suite, her basking in the icky afterglow (“What is it about good sex that makes me want to crap?”)
Brideshead Revisited (2008)
Mattress-jivers: Hayley Atwell, Matthew Goode
After the steamy trailers, we all hoped for a down and filthy British Dangerous Liaisons. What we got was an exhaustingly chaste period piece capped by this airless, underlit, above-the-waist fumble. As erotic as a trip to Ann Summers with your nan.
Fargo (1996)
Trench-stormers: Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare, two hookers
Couple of dead-eyed contract kidnappers. One of them craves pancakes. The other wants to “get laid”. Cut to: a pair of prozzies synchro-bouncing on (probably) semi-tumescent contract-kidnapper cock, clearly contemplating their weekend shopping lists. Pancakes, please.
Jackie Brown (1997)
The Old In/Outers: Bridget Fonda, Robert De Niro
De Niro rarely does sex well (see the similarly inert insertion with Meryl Streep in Falling In Love) but this one’s barely sex at all. A huff and a puff and we're done – Bobby’s eager emission (and subsequent film career) squirting out over the small of Bridget's back.
