Skip to main content
Games Radar Newsarama Total Film Edge Retro Gamer
GamesRadar+ GamesRadar+ The smarter take on movies
UK EditionUK US EditionUS CA EditionCanada AU EditionAustralia
Sign in
  • View Profile
  • Sign out
Gaming Magazines
Gaming Magazines
Why subscribe?
  • Subscribe from just £3
  • Takes you closer to the games, movies and TV you love
  • Try a single issue or save on a subscription
  • Issues delivered straight to your door or device
From$12
Subscribe now
Don't miss these
Trending
  • Best Netflix Movies
  • Movie Release Dates
  • Best movies on Disney Plus
  • Best Netflix Shows
  1. Entertainment
  2. Movies

The 16 Unsexiest Sex Scenes

Features
By Andy Lowe published 20 November 2008

When flesh-flashing gets ugly…

When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. Here’s how it works.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Beaver-bashers: Carrie-Ann Moss, Keanu Reeves

Carrie and Keanu enjoy a bout of board-stiff sex-cuddling as an underground cave/rave/orgy scene pounds on and on around them. They veeery slooowly writhe in the flickering candlelight, evoking the raw sexual heat of two dermatologists examining each other for potentially cancerous blemishes.

Page 1 of 16
Page 1 of 16
Angel Heart (1987)

Angel Heart (1987)

Uglies-bumpers: Lisa Bonet, Mickey Rourke

Together at last: frantic shagging and a splattering torrent of vein-sauce. Pity poor Lisa (just 19 at the time): from Lenny Kravitz to this. And then not much else.

Page 2 of 16
Page 2 of 16
Body Of Evidence (1993)

Body Of Evidence (1993)

Horizontal joggers: Madonna, Willem Dafoe

Shot in skin-whitening, passion-murdering overhead light. Weaselly Willem keeps his trousers on for an unconvincing full-body ravish of a bored-looking Madge. Then, she spills wax on him.

Page 3 of 16
Page 3 of 16
Knocked Up (2007)

Knocked Up (2007)

Orificial athletes: Katherine Heigl, Seth Rogen

Beautiful blonde woman pumped up with cocktails graciously receives the stoner seed of pudgy, booze-bloated ginger geek. Drunk sex: just a notch above joyless masturbation – only with the added erotic charge of pregnancy risk.

Page 4 of 16
Page 4 of 16
Last Tango In Paris (1973)

Last Tango In Paris (1973)

Synchronised squirmers: Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider

In which a self-loathing, grieving man wastes a perfectly good slop of butter to investigate the rear plumbing of a depressingly compliant woman in France. Banal anal.

Page 5 of 16
Page 5 of 16
Monsters Ball (2001)

Monsters Ball (2001)

Salami-hiders: Halle Berry, Billy Bob Thornton

Okay, so the second ‘tender’ scene is probably worse, but the first couple-up is still criminally over-celebrated. Berry: gorgeous. Billy: inexplicable Jolie ex with a distractingly simian ‘O’ face. Together: total chemistry bypass.

Page 6 of 16
Page 6 of 16
Showgirls (1995)

Showgirls (1995)

Two-backed beast-makers: Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle MacLachlan

A very, very stupid crotch-clinch, with emo-fringed Kyle tipping chip-oil over Liz’s perky puppies before stifling laughter as she, umm, splashes about LIKE A WILD THING. Well, like a stripper having a seizure…

Page 7 of 16
Page 7 of 16
The Tall Guy (1989)

The Tall Guy (1989)

Botched boffers: Emma Thompson, Jeff Goldblum

Oh, it’s so English! All elbows and apologies and stepping on the toast and knocking over the vase. But that’s okay because spontaneous sex is like that, right? Maybe - but at least it doesn’t involve Jeff Goldblum. Unless, of course, you’re Jeff Goldblum’s sex partner… Brr.

Page 8 of 16
Page 8 of 16
Young Adam (2003)

Young Adam (2003)

Muffin-butterers: Emily Mortimer, Ewan McGregor

What movie sex definitely isn’t missing: the spirit of early ‘80s German porn. Emily Mortimer is perfectly lovely without being doused in custard powder, ketchup and random condiments. Bet it smells like a canteen lunch.

Page 9 of 16
Page 9 of 16
Casino (1996)

Casino (1996)

Jollies-getters: Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci

Evil, helium-voiced dwarf comforts drunken drug-addict harpie-hooker. Then, the dwarf factors in a little pawing... Oh, Christ. They're not... They are! A needy frenzy of dwarf-drooling and whore-panting. Phwooar.

Page 10 of 16
Page 10 of 16
Kingpin (1996)

Kingpin (1996)

Pipe-cleaners: Lin Shaye, Woody Harrelson

After being rumbled in a rent-dodging scam, Woody’s ten-pin titan is forced to carnally commune with his haggy landlady. The action is off-screen, but the post-coital reveal tells all: him vomming in the en-suite, her basking in the icky afterglow (“What is it about good sex that makes me want to crap?”)

Page 11 of 16
Page 11 of 16
Brideshead Revisited (2008)

Brideshead Revisited (2008)

Mattress-jivers: Hayley Atwell, Matthew Goode

After the steamy trailers, we all hoped for a down and filthy British Dangerous Liaisons. What we got was an exhaustingly chaste period piece capped by this airless, underlit, above-the-waist fumble. As erotic as a trip to Ann Summers with your nan.

Page 12 of 16
Page 12 of 16
Swept Away (2002)

Swept Away (2002)

Secretion-swappers: Madonna, Adriano Giannini

Stranded on a desert isle with a beefy boatsman, Madge’s shrill socialite finally succumbs to a half-arsed pseudo-rape. The sniggerworthy sexlessness isn’t helped by the queen of pop looking like a strip of biltong.

Page 13 of 16
Page 13 of 16
Fargo (1996)

Fargo (1996)

Trench-stormers: Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare, two hookers

Couple of dead-eyed contract kidnappers. One of them craves pancakes. The other wants to “get laid”. Cut to: a pair of prozzies synchro-bouncing on (probably) semi-tumescent contract-kidnapper cock, clearly contemplating their weekend shopping lists. Pancakes, please.

Page 14 of 16
Page 14 of 16
Crash (1996)

Crash (1996)

Bones-jumpers: Rosanna Arquette, James Spader

Cronenberg’s Ballard adap is fuelled by freaky sex – that’s the point. But using a weeping leg-wound as a proxy-vagina? Big bowl of wrong.

Page 15 of 16
Page 15 of 16
Jackie Brown (1997)

Jackie Brown (1997)

The Old In/Outers: Bridget Fonda, Robert De Niro

De Niro rarely does sex well (see the similarly inert insertion with Meryl Streep in Falling In Love) but this one’s barely sex at all. A huff and a puff and we're done – Bobby’s eager emission (and subsequent film career) squirting out over the small of Bridget's back.

Page 16 of 16
Page 16 of 16
Andy Lowe
  • Facebook
  • X
  • Whatsapp
  • Pinterest
  • Flipboard
  • Email
Share this article
Join the conversation
Follow us
Add us as a preferred source on Google
GamesRadar+
Get the GamesRadar+ Newsletter

Weekly digests, tales from the communities you love, and more


By submitting your information you agree to the Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy and are aged 16 or over.

You are now subscribed

Your newsletter sign-up was successful


Want to add more newsletters?

GamesRadar+

Every Friday

GamesRadar+

Your weekly update on everything you could ever want to know about the games you already love, games we know you're going to love in the near future, and tales from the communities that surround them.

GTA 6 O'clock

Every Thursday

GTA 6 O'clock

Our special GTA 6 newsletter, with breaking news, insider info, and rumor analysis from the award-winning GTA 6 O'clock experts.

Knowledge

Every Friday

Knowledge

From the creators of Edge: A weekly videogame industry newsletter with analysis from expert writers, guidance from professionals, and insight into what's on the horizon.

The Setup

Every Thursday

The Setup

Hardware nerds unite, sign up to our free tech newsletter for a weekly digest of the hottest new tech, the latest gadgets on the test bench, and much more.

Switch 2 Spotlight

Every Wednesday

Switch 2 Spotlight

Sign up to our new Switch 2 newsletter, where we bring you the latest talking points on Nintendo's new console each week, bring you up to date on the news, and recommend what games to play.

The Watchlist

Every Saturday

The Watchlist

Subscribe for a weekly digest of the movie and TV news that matters, direct to your inbox. From first-look trailers, interviews, reviews and explainers, we've got you covered.

SFX

Once a month

SFX

Get sneak previews, exclusive competitions and details of special events each month!


An account already exists for this email address, please log in.
Subscribe to our newsletter
Latest in Movies
Gerard Butler and Mike Colter in Plane
Plane sequel cancelled after star Gerard Butler decided "last minute" that he "didn't want to go forward with it"
 
 
After 4 years of no Luke Skywalker, Star Wars fans are plotting ways in which he can return to the franchise
 
 
Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Raphael standing in the sewer
R-rated Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie isn't "off the table", says franchise co-creator: "I think it will happen"
 
 
Georgina Campbell in Psycho Killer
Barbarian star hunts down her husband's killer in new Psycho killer clip, and it reminds me of The Silence of the Lambs
 
 
Thor: Love and Thunder
Even Chris Hemsworth thinks that they "took the piss" with how goofy Thor: Love and Thunder was
 
 
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie
Mario fans are trying to work out who the mysterious character is in the new Super Mario Galaxy teaser: "Is that Fox?"
 
 
Latest in Features
People of Note key art cropped to show pop singer Cadence and rocker Fret
This musical turn-based RPG hits all the right chords, and you can play the free Steam demo right now
 
 
Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 character Henry wounded
Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 is scratching my Knight of the Seven Kingdoms itch
 
 
Leon Kennedy, wearing a black leather jacket, checks his watch in a hospital waiting room in Resident Evil Requiem
I own 23 Resident Evil figurines, and I'd still rather buy Requiem's amiibos instead of a $300 statue
 
 
Mewgenics
"What else are we going to do, another f***ing platformer?": Mewgenics took 15 years to dominate Steam, but its secret sauce was cooked up in just 2 weeks
 
 
Crucial DDR5 Pro facing the camera on a stand, showing the small Crucial branding
RAM shortages explained: Why the world's supply of computing memory is so expensive right now
 
 
Two turtles rock out with 80s-style instruments
I was skeptical about MTG Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but a surprising connection to the arcade games may have won me over
 
 
  1. Grimcoven box on a wooden table beside a can
    1
    This Bloodborne-style board game is one of the best boss battlers I've ever played, hands-down
  2. 2
    Styx: Blades of Greed review: "What if Metal Gear Solid 5 went goblin mode? This dark fantasy open-world stealth 'em up is devilishly creative"
  3. 3
    High on Life 2 review: "I smiled, I laughed, I sorely wished the combat was a lot better"
  4. 4
    God of War Sons of Sparta review: "Retro-style Metroidvania Kratos struggles to stand out, making for an overly tame adventure"
  5. 5
    Reanimal review: "A feast of twisted weirdness conjuring up unpleasant imagery and dark world building"
  1. Return to Silent Hill protagonist James Sunderland
    1
    Return to Silent Hill review: "Neither an impressive adaptation nor coherent enough to act as a standalone film"
  2. 2
    28 Years Later: The Bone Temple review: "The wildest and weirdest entry into the franchise yet"
  3. 3
    Avatar: Fire and Ash review: "Still a technical marvel, with some of the year's best action filmmaking"
  4. 4
    Five Nights at Freddy's 2 review: "We have waited two years for a Five Nights at Freddy's 1.5"
  5. 5
    Wake Up Dead Man: A Knives Out Mystery review: "Brings Knives Out back to its roots for a sequel that's almost on a par with the original"
  1. Yahya Abdul-Mateen II as Simon Williams in Wonder Man.
    1
    Wonder Man review: "A low-key gem that's up there with the MCU's best"
  2. 2
    Starfleet Academy review: "It may feel a little different to what we're used to, but this is Star Trek through and through"
  3. 3
    A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms review: "This Game of Thrones spin-off is a heartfelt and fun return to Westeros"
  4. 4
    Stranger Things season 5 finale review: “Shows off both the best and the worst of Hawkins”
  5. 5
    Stranger Things season 5, Volume 2 review: “All set up for a finale that has so much to deliver”

GamesRadar+ is part of Future US Inc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site.

Add as a preferred source on Google
  • About Us
  • Contact Future's experts
  • Terms and conditions
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies policy
  • Advertise with us
  • Review guidelines
  • Write for us
  • Accessibility Statement
  • Careers

© Future US, Inc. Full 7th Floor, 130 West 42nd Street, New York, NY 10036.

Please login or signup to comment

Please wait...