Skip to main content
Games Radar
  • Newsarama
  • Total Film
  • Edge
  • Retro Gamer
  • SFX
Total Film The smarter take on movies
Sign in
  • View Profile
  • Sign out
flag of UK
UK
flag of US
US
flag of Canada
Canada
flag of Australia
Australia
  • News
  • Reviews
  • Features
  • More
    • PS5
    • Xbox Series X
    • Nintendo Switch
    • Nintendo Switch 2
    • PC
    • Platforms
    • Tabletop Gaming
    • Comics
    • Toys & Collectibles
    • SFX
    • Newsarama
    • Retro Gamer
    • Newsletters
    • About us
    • Features
Gaming Magazines
Gaming Magazines
Why subscribe?
  • Subscribe from just £3
  • Takes you closer to the games, movies and TV you love
  • Try a single issue or save on a subscription
  • Issues delivered straight to your door or device
From$12
View
Trending
  • Best Netflix Movies
  • Best movies on Disney Plus
  • Movie Release Dates
  • Best Netflix Shows
Recommended reading
Dakota Johnson as Lucy and Pedro Pascal as Harry in Celine Song's Materialists
Romance Movies Marvel stars' A24 rom-com Materialists has great reviews, but many are repeating the 'elevated horror' mistake of the 2010s – and we need to dump it before it's too late
Alison Brie and Dave Franco in Together
Horror Movies Upcoming horror movie from the studio behind Longlegs and The Monkey reveals weird and bloody new trailer
The 30 best horror movies of all time: pictures from The Wicker Man, The Shining, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and Hereditary.
Horror Movies The 30 best horror movies that will haunt you long after the credits roll
The Toxic Avenger
Horror Movies Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones stars' strange upcoming horror movie contains "ultra violent content" and "mutant nudity," and it's heading into theaters unrated
Lea Myren as Elvira in The Ugly Stepsister
Horror Movies A new Cinderella inspired horror movie with a near-perfect Rotten Tomatoes score is the perfect mix of Marie Antoinette and The Substance, and highlights atrocities of the original fairytale
An Infected in 28 Years Later
Horror Movies "Nothing could've prepared me": Horror fans react to Sinner star Jack O'Connell's brief appearance in zombie sequel 28 Days Later
Baldur's Gate 3
Baldur's Gate "Not everybody needs to get banged": As Patch 8 reinvigorates Baldur's Gate 3, Halsin actor reminds ship-happy fans that some pairs "CAN remain simply platonic you horny little f***ers"
  1. Entertainment
  2. Movies

The 16 Unsexiest Sex Scenes

Features
By Andy Lowe published 20 November 2008

When flesh-flashing gets ugly…

When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. Here’s how it works.

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Beaver-bashers: Carrie-Ann Moss, Keanu Reeves

Carrie and Keanu enjoy a bout of board-stiff sex-cuddling as an underground cave/rave/orgy scene pounds on and on around them. They veeery slooowly writhe in the flickering candlelight, evoking the raw sexual heat of two dermatologists examining each other for potentially cancerous blemishes.

Page 1 of 16
Page 1 of 16
Angel Heart (1987)

Angel Heart (1987)

Uglies-bumpers: Lisa Bonet, Mickey Rourke

Together at last: frantic shagging and a splattering torrent of vein-sauce. Pity poor Lisa (just 19 at the time): from Lenny Kravitz to this. And then not much else.

Page 2 of 16
Page 2 of 16
Body Of Evidence (1993)

Body Of Evidence (1993)

Horizontal joggers: Madonna, Willem Dafoe

Shot in skin-whitening, passion-murdering overhead light. Weaselly Willem keeps his trousers on for an unconvincing full-body ravish of a bored-looking Madge. Then, she spills wax on him.

Page 3 of 16
Page 3 of 16
Knocked Up (2007)

Knocked Up (2007)

Orificial athletes: Katherine Heigl, Seth Rogen

Beautiful blonde woman pumped up with cocktails graciously receives the stoner seed of pudgy, booze-bloated ginger geek. Drunk sex: just a notch above joyless masturbation – only with the added erotic charge of pregnancy risk.

Page 4 of 16
Page 4 of 16
Last Tango In Paris (1973)

Last Tango In Paris (1973)

Synchronised squirmers: Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider

In which a self-loathing, grieving man wastes a perfectly good slop of butter to investigate the rear plumbing of a depressingly compliant woman in France. Banal anal.

Page 5 of 16
Page 5 of 16
Monsters Ball (2001)

Monsters Ball (2001)

Salami-hiders: Halle Berry, Billy Bob Thornton

Okay, so the second ‘tender’ scene is probably worse, but the first couple-up is still criminally over-celebrated. Berry: gorgeous. Billy: inexplicable Jolie ex with a distractingly simian ‘O’ face. Together: total chemistry bypass.

Page 6 of 16
Page 6 of 16
Showgirls (1995)

Showgirls (1995)

Two-backed beast-makers: Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle MacLachlan

A very, very stupid crotch-clinch, with emo-fringed Kyle tipping chip-oil over Liz’s perky puppies before stifling laughter as she, umm, splashes about LIKE A WILD THING. Well, like a stripper having a seizure…

Page 7 of 16
Page 7 of 16
The Tall Guy (1989)

The Tall Guy (1989)

Botched boffers: Emma Thompson, Jeff Goldblum

Oh, it’s so English! All elbows and apologies and stepping on the toast and knocking over the vase. But that’s okay because spontaneous sex is like that, right? Maybe - but at least it doesn’t involve Jeff Goldblum. Unless, of course, you’re Jeff Goldblum’s sex partner… Brr.

Page 8 of 16
Page 8 of 16
Young Adam (2003)

Young Adam (2003)

Muffin-butterers: Emily Mortimer, Ewan McGregor

What movie sex definitely isn’t missing: the spirit of early ‘80s German porn. Emily Mortimer is perfectly lovely without being doused in custard powder, ketchup and random condiments. Bet it smells like a canteen lunch.

Page 9 of 16
Page 9 of 16
Casino (1996)

Casino (1996)

Jollies-getters: Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci

Evil, helium-voiced dwarf comforts drunken drug-addict harpie-hooker. Then, the dwarf factors in a little pawing... Oh, Christ. They're not... They are! A needy frenzy of dwarf-drooling and whore-panting. Phwooar.

Page 10 of 16
Page 10 of 16
Kingpin (1996)

Kingpin (1996)

Pipe-cleaners: Lin Shaye, Woody Harrelson

After being rumbled in a rent-dodging scam, Woody’s ten-pin titan is forced to carnally commune with his haggy landlady. The action is off-screen, but the post-coital reveal tells all: him vomming in the en-suite, her basking in the icky afterglow (“What is it about good sex that makes me want to crap?”)

Page 11 of 16
Page 11 of 16
Brideshead Revisited (2008)

Brideshead Revisited (2008)

Mattress-jivers: Hayley Atwell, Matthew Goode

After the steamy trailers, we all hoped for a down and filthy British Dangerous Liaisons. What we got was an exhaustingly chaste period piece capped by this airless, underlit, above-the-waist fumble. As erotic as a trip to Ann Summers with your nan.

Page 12 of 16
Page 12 of 16
Swept Away (2002)

Swept Away (2002)

Secretion-swappers: Madonna, Adriano Giannini

Stranded on a desert isle with a beefy boatsman, Madge’s shrill socialite finally succumbs to a half-arsed pseudo-rape. The sniggerworthy sexlessness isn’t helped by the queen of pop looking like a strip of biltong.

Page 13 of 16
Page 13 of 16
Fargo (1996)

Fargo (1996)

Trench-stormers: Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare, two hookers

Couple of dead-eyed contract kidnappers. One of them craves pancakes. The other wants to “get laid”. Cut to: a pair of prozzies synchro-bouncing on (probably) semi-tumescent contract-kidnapper cock, clearly contemplating their weekend shopping lists. Pancakes, please.

Page 14 of 16
Page 14 of 16
Crash (1996)

Crash (1996)

Bones-jumpers: Rosanna Arquette, James Spader

Cronenberg’s Ballard adap is fuelled by freaky sex – that’s the point. But using a weeping leg-wound as a proxy-vagina? Big bowl of wrong.

Page 15 of 16
Page 15 of 16
Jackie Brown (1997)

Jackie Brown (1997)

The Old In/Outers: Bridget Fonda, Robert De Niro

De Niro rarely does sex well (see the similarly inert insertion with Meryl Streep in Falling In Love) but this one’s barely sex at all. A huff and a puff and we're done – Bobby’s eager emission (and subsequent film career) squirting out over the small of Bridget's back.

Page 16 of 16
Page 16 of 16
Andy Lowe
See more Movies Features
Read more
Dakota Johnson as Lucy and Pedro Pascal as Harry in Celine Song's Materialists
Marvel stars' A24 rom-com Materialists has great reviews, but many are repeating the 'elevated horror' mistake of the 2010s – and we need to dump it before it's too late
Alison Brie and Dave Franco in Together
Upcoming horror movie from the studio behind Longlegs and The Monkey reveals weird and bloody new trailer
The 30 best horror movies of all time: pictures from The Wicker Man, The Shining, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and Hereditary.
The 30 best horror movies that will haunt you long after the credits roll
The Toxic Avenger
Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones stars' strange upcoming horror movie contains "ultra violent content" and "mutant nudity," and it's heading into theaters unrated
Lea Myren as Elvira in The Ugly Stepsister
A new Cinderella inspired horror movie with a near-perfect Rotten Tomatoes score is the perfect mix of Marie Antoinette and The Substance, and highlights atrocities of the original fairytale
An Infected in 28 Years Later
"Nothing could've prepared me": Horror fans react to Sinner star Jack O'Connell's brief appearance in zombie sequel 28 Days Later
Latest in Movies
Guy Gardner, Hawkgirl, and Mister Miracle as the Justice Gang in Superman
The Justice Gang explained - The non-Justice League in James Gunn's Superman may be influenced by team of classic DC supervillains
Crash Bandicoot PS1
Long before the Super Mario Bros. movie grossed $1.3 billion, Sega's president tried making a Crash Bandicoot movie but was told "video games is like a toy business"
James Gunn
James Gunn shares the most important Superman review yet - from the grandchildren of comic creator Jerry Siegel "This is the Superman movie we've been waiting to see"
M3GAN doll shushing Gemma in the final M3GAN 2.0 trailer
M3GAN 3 looks unlikely after new sequel M3GAN 2.0 malfunctions at box office
Ben Grimm and Reed Richards in The Fantastic Four: First Steps
New Fantastic Four concept art post unveils our best look yet at the Baxter Building – and Marvel fans think they might prefer it to the comic version
Elio and an alien in Elio
Pixar's Elio reportedly underwent massive behind-the-scenes changes after a test screening where no one wanted to pay to watch the movie
Latest in Features
Guy Gardner, Hawkgirl, and Mister Miracle as the Justice Gang in Superman
The Justice Gang explained - The non-Justice League in James Gunn's Superman may be influenced by team of classic DC supervillains
Team Fortress 2 characters looking at a map
I have 464 games on my Steam wishlist, 23 games in my Steam Summer Sale shopping cart, and I can feel my already overstuffed library giving me the side-eye
Heavy Metal Death Can demo screenshot
I got a nicotine rush and set zombies on fire in this PS1-style survival horror demo, and it's basically Resident Evil on a submarine
A PSVR 2 review image next to the marketing reveal image of the Meta Quest 3S, separated by an orange line
Xbox finally has a VR headset, but it's not the PSVR 2 rival I was hoping for
Bravely Default Flying Fairy HD Remaster image showing a giant city built upon a hill by the sea
Bravely Default's remaster is secretly the Switch 2's must-play RPG, but it's still flying under the radar
Rematch players celebrating in a large stadium
"The essence of football is not in the rules": Rematch's creative director on nailing that five-a-side feeling and making a game "about kicking a ball rather than kicking heads in"
  1. Sam fires at the ghost mech squid boss in Death Stranding 2: On the Beach
    1
    Death Stranding 2: On the Beach review: "This tarpunk delivery epic is more Metal Gear Solid than ever, for better and worse"
  2. 2
    Rematch review: "As with Rocket League, the just-one-more-game pull is magnetic"
  3. 3
    Tron: Catalyst review: "Disc slinging is a thrill in this gorgeous rendition of the series, but I'm let down by a time-loop story that falls flat"
  4. 4
    FBC: Firebreak review: "A disappointingly bland multiplayer FPS that's missing far too much of what made Control special"
  5. 5
    Dune: Awakening review: "Both extremely compelling and extraordinarily boring, sometimes at the same time – yet still a true Dune love letter"
  1. A T-rex in Jurassic World Rebirth
    1
    Jurassic World Rebirth Review: "An unscary sequel that needed a little more time in amber"
  2. 2
    M3GAN 2.0 review: "A bold sequel with a slightly underwhelming conclusion"
  3. 3
    28 Years Later Review: "Enough terror, splatter and suspense to satisfy”
  4. 4
    Predator: Killer of Killers review: "Great characters, thrilling action, and gorgeous Arcane-esque animation"
  5. 5
    From the World of John Wick: Ballerina review: "Brilliant action, even if the plot gives you a sense of déjà vu"
  1. Lee Jung-jae as Gi-hun in Squid Game season 3
    1
    Squid Game season 3 review: "A staggeringly excellent final season wraps up one of the greatest Netflix shows ever"
  2. 2
    Ironheart review: "A relic of Marvel's content-at-all-costs era"
  3. 3
    Star Trek: Strange New Worlds season 3 review: "The show's most assured run of episodes to date"
  4. 4
    Doctor Who season 2, episode 8 spoiler review: 'The Reality War' is "a mix of the good, the bad, and the truly baffling"
  5. 5
    Doctor Who season 2, episode 7 spoiler review: 'Wish World' is "an exciting and ambitious" start to the season finale, with hints of WandaVision

GamesRadar+ is part of Future US Inc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site.

  • About Us
  • Contact Future's experts
  • Terms and conditions
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies policy
  • Advertise with us
  • Review guidelines
  • Write for us
  • Accessibility Statement
  • Careers

© Future US, Inc. Full 7th Floor, 130 West 42nd Street, New York, NY 10036.

Please login or signup to comment

Please wait...